Mid Week Confessional

I was thinking about this as I did my chores this morning... I have a confession to make.

I try to convey a lot of confidence when I write this blog. I feel completely confident and well seated on Bronwyn - I have no guilt or concern riding her at all.

BUT - some of you may know this, some of you may not - but I have two other horses who are NOT "The Fat Horse".

I have Rex:



and I have his half sister, Ari:



Besides their many individual redeeming qualities, Rex and Ari are around mainly because their mother was an extremely important horse to me (I am working on the post to tell you all about her, I promise!)... I feel that she lives on through them - however, it took Bronwyn to spark my interest in horses again.

So anyways, on to the confession part. I do have a nagging little voice inside of me that doesn't want me to ride my non-fat horses. Logic says that Ari, even though she is only 14.2hh, but built like a brick pooper (I would guesstimate around 1200lbs), could carry me comfortably - while I build her up and get her fit, I couldn't do much harm to her. I have ridden her before:





AND to add to this foolishness, Ari has bulked up considerably since these pictures - she was 4 in these pictures, and she will be SEVEN in this coming April. She has approximately 15 rides on her. I started her myself, before I even thought about weight in relation to horses.

Then, I'm not sure what happened, but that naggy voice inside of me came into being, and I have not ridden her since 2007. My mother has ridden her a handful of times over the last couple of years. The real shame is that the mare has beautiful movement, a GORGEOUS temperament and great potential. But I am stuck. I can't bring myself to ride her. I keep telling myself I will when I get down to 250, but will I keep making excuses?

It breaks my heart because Ari is, by far and away, the easiest and closest connection that I have to her mother, Angel, and I can't enjoy her because I have a little voice in my head going "You're going to squish that pony!".

Then there is Rex. He will be four in April and I have not started him yet. He is ready to start - he's all the way there - the groundwork has been laid, he's been sacked out and ground driven excessively - he hardly bats an eyelid when I put my foot in the stirrup and jump around... but my naggy voice tells me he has "spindly legs and little feet" and he's not nearly fit or thick enough to hold me. He's about 15-15.1hh - I would say probably 1050-1100lbs. In another year or two, he's going to fill out into a massive 1300lber, because that's exactly what his mama did.

A few years ago, I would never have had these issues, NEVER. I think what happened was this:

I was starting a 6 year old stallion who is blind in one eye... big boy, sweet boy... I took some video stills and posted them on a forum where many people that I love and trust (still do!) post, and was told I was too big for him and he looked uncomfortable carrying my weight.

This is the picture:




Here is another shot taken NOT from a video still so you can get an appropriate idea:



Every stitch of sense in my brain tells me that he was an extremely suitably sized horse for me. But that was the moment when I began thinking about it, began second guessing myself every time I put my foot in a stirrup. In retrospect, I am grateful because it has helped me to become more aware and able to articulate the things that I have been writing in this blog... but I am also resentful because I have not allowed myself to enjoy two of my favourite horses for fear that I am hurting them.

Sometimes that little naggy voice even comes out when I am choosing pictures from riding sessions on Bronwyn to show on the internet or on this blog. It says "If you post this angle, people are going to see how unsuitable you are for this horse..." and the naggy voice often makes me ask in the middle of a session "Do I look alright? Does this look natural?".

I worked very hard to quash that naggy voice and he hardly ever comes up anymore. One of the greatest things I did was have a real, honest-to-goodness photo shoot on Bronwyn so I could see how freaking gorgeous I actually look on her. No "tricks of the camera", no "bad angles"... I cried when I saw the photo that is up to the left on the blog. And they weren't tears of sadness because the little naggy voice told me anything, they were tears of happiness because I knew I looked fantastic and so did my mare and we had both come through a significant journey this summer. Due in part to the photos (taken by Jilly @ Scuffed Boots Photography), I learned to LOVE myself. I had always been okay with myself, never had a problem, really, but now I LOVE myself and I know I am worth so much.

So maybe this winter, one of my goals will be to go head to head with my little naggy voice and show him who is boss. Why? Because I deserve to let myself enjoy the things that I have... and I'm beginning to feel like a hypocrite, telling everyone to just get out and ride when I am not doing that with my non-fat horses.

So - I am opening the floor for the Mid Week Confessional -- in the comments, confess! Encouragement and support is what this blog is all about and identifying your fears and misgivings is the first step to overcoming them!