Day 3 [I promise these won't all be this long, some will be 'we lunged for 10 minutes. there were bugs. the end.']
IT TURNS OUT that my hypothesis that I would do better if I was accountable to an audience was correct.
(By the way, thank you all so much for all the kind comments and encouragement last night on my post. I stayed up WAY TOO LATE reading them and trying to respond to every one, and then my child woke up 4 times between 1:30 and 5:30 am...)
... which leads me to... I wasn't going to work her today. I have an overnight shift tonight and do a lot of prep (including a nap) during the day prior. I wasn't exactly energetic this morning before the day started getting warmer. BUT... I thought about all the comments from last night, all the people who are 'glad to see me' and I changed out of my nightgown and even put on a bra (!!) and went to the barn. (Don't mind the stain on my shirt, this is Life With Toddler lol).
We did the same as the last 2 days -- 5 minutes in each direction, any speed. I walked in place for at least 8 of those minutes. There was less trotting today. We might be sore/becoming aware of our muscles, or it might have been the heat. It was 23C but neither Bronwyn nor I love the heat (I also don't love the cold, but I'm pretty sure B is part yak).
I just wanted to talk for a minute about fear, as it specifically pertains to my situation. We talked about it a bit in the comments last night.
I often tell people B is 'squirrely'. She's hyperaware of her surroundings and is the type to leap first and ask questions later. I know that about her. I think that is part of what is intimidating me about riding, especially at this fitness level. I can say a lot of other stuff (and I will, on another day) about making time for what you love, and excuses, priorities, and self care. But at the very deep bottom of this, there is this:
I am a mother and someone depends on me not to be hurt. If I'm hurt (or God forbid, worse), there's a kid that needs me. And yeah, it's better now that I don't have to carry him everywhere, but at the end of the day, somebody's gotta drive the car to the splash pad and make his cheese sandwiches and while I have a very engaged parenting partner and extra help from my parents, a very significant part of the time, that somebody is me. I already have all that weird mom guilt that comes with doing anything that takes away from the enriching engagement that a lot of moms strive for - like when he's independently exploring the variety of toys he has while I write or do admin stuff for my author job - an injury or time out of commission that is 'self inflicted' feels worse, somehow. Selfish, maybe? Because I did it while I was doing something leisurely, a hobby that's just for me?
I think a big component of my fear is that I just haven't been spending as much time as I used to with Bronwyn, so it feels like I'm out of touch with 'who she is', so to speak. I used to never sweat falling off because I knew it was inevitable -- I tell people she's 'predictably unpredictable' and that's how we get along -- but I feel like I'm out of touch with her nuances since it seems all I do is turn out, muck, bring in, hold for trimmers these days. I'm interested to see how that progresses as we move through this.
Thanks for being along for the ride!
Amanda & Bronwyn
Amanda & Bronwyn