*tap tap* Is this thing on?

Wow, I've been truant with this blog before but this takes it to a whole new level. My last update was in August, and I was still crazy pregnant. Now my little guy is (as my mom put it the other day, which freaked me out) "almost half a year old". So if you didn't catch it on my Facebook page, meet Caleb. He was born September 3rd @ 8lbs, 20.5", about 36 hours after being admitted to the hospital for my induction.

My induction began on the evening of September 1st, three days after being told in an ultrasound that he would be over 9lbs at birth. I used a clinic of OBGYNs so saw a rotating roster of doctors, one of whom offered to schedule me a C-section almost immediately as he was measuring in the 98th percentile for much of my pregnancy. I felt strongly that I could deliver him vaginally and my primary care OB was on board with that. 24 hours in, I wasn't sure how happy I was with that decision, but when my body finally cooperated, dilated quickly, and I pushed him out in 13 minutes with almost no tearing and at 8lbs, I was glad I hadn't opted for the surgery. I trusted that my body could do it; while she'd gotten out of control during my pregnancy in some aspects, I knew there was a part of me that could manage this one thing. If I had had any doubts about my ability, I would have gone with the doctor's recommendation, but I had at least one professional backing me up and my own instincts as well.

They don't tell you that labor is hard but definitely not the hardest part. I love this kid like whoa. In the beginning, that was hard to grasp, emotionally speaking. I definitely had a case of baby blues, and then major anxiety. Suddenly, EVERYTHING is scary -- for your baby AND for you. You're somebody's mom and to say that I suddenly feel my mortality is an understatement. You second guess yourself about everything. I'm not used to that. For the last five years or so, I've been really confident in myself, my body, my ability and my intuition. Suddenly, everything gets thrown off kilter, by the internet, by well-meaning friends and family offering advice, by your own crazy brain.

I will say this: I am so grateful for the support I have here, between G and my parents. I didn't feel #blessed when I was pregnant but I definitely do now, and I don't know how people do it without support. I don't know how I was doing it before I broke down and let myself take advantage of that support. I really resisted in the beginning because I felt like 'other mothers' were doing it with less. But as with everything else, I had to have a little heart to heart with myself and recognize what I need and want out of life, truly, and use the resources I have around me to make that happen. And that means leaving Caleb with my mom one night a week so I can go write. It means asking her to watch him every day while I go clean stalls and just spend some time with myself.

He's a pretty serious guy, just like his daddy, but sometimes he busts out that million watt smile and I just love it. It just took forever for him to decide to do it!

Man, I hope he grows up to love horses.

Speaking of horses, everyone is doing great. The barn did get put up. Maybe not exactly what I wanted, but it's there, and everyone is pretty glad to be able to get inside out of the 'feels like' -31C weather. We didn't name the farm "Windy Pines" for nothing!

It isn't exactly how I want it (I want box stalls of course!), but it's good enough for now and it's a roof over their heads, especially for Princess Rex, who hasn't been managing the cold weather as well as I would expect. Everybody is still getting along well, and I'm eager to do some work on it in the spring to get it a little closer to what I want (electric & water in the barn, a tack/feed room and boxes!) -- though as with everything about this property, it's kind of a work in progress and I expect it'll take 5-10 years for everything to be how we want it to be. But it works for now and nobody is complaining (even G, who waded through our last big snow fall this morning to run barrels to water the stock!). 

Bronwyn is...super fluffy. But I want to ride. Badly. I think now that they are here and the baby is out, I'm beginning to realign myself with the things I need out of life and one of those things is to sit on a horse. However...that aforementioned knowledge of my mortality has definitely stepped in, along with some baby/wedding/house buying weight still on, and I don't feel very confident about doing it. I've sourced a nice, big quiet mare locally to get some practice rides on and I'd like to get myself a tiny bit more in shape (walking more at least!) before I get too much riding in. It's been since the October before I found out I was pregnant, so well over a year, since I rode -- though I am really enjoying picking stalls, filling hay feeders, etc, and putting hands on everyone every evening when I bring them in. <3 p="">

I will blog more. I can't promise it will always be about riding or the horse world in general (as I don't feel much like I've got my finger on THAT particular pulse anymore), but I will continue to share as much for myself as anything else -- and I hope you might like to follow along. <3 p="">