Why It's OKay To Be Fat

I sometimes feel like I have two different personalities.

The first one looks at herself in the mirror and says "You are good. You are beautiful. You are worthy. Your value is not measured by the number in the back of your pants or on the scale. This body is a good body." This one strides confidently through the grocery store in breeches and tall boots and a little bit of horse snot on my shirt. She gets on her big horse and goes into the woods for a couple of hours and doesn't think there is a thing wrong with it. This one feels confident and in control when she is only wearing a bra and panties (or less, even!) in front of her boyfriend.

The first one doesn't care what other people thinks, she thinks she is pretty awesome. When people talk about seeing "gross" people on the street, she gets indignant and shouts from the rooftops that as long as she is healthy, it is not HER responsibility to be attractive enough for someone else's eyes. She thinks that she would be just fine in a bikini at her glorious current 256lbs at the beach and sometimes she thinks about not shaving her legs.

That one gets to exist for a vast majority of the time. She writes this blog, in fact. I would say probably 80% of the time, she is alive and kicking, and happy.

The second one trips her whenever she gets the chance. Fortunately, the first one is pretty sure-footed and usually just keeps trucking - but once in a while... once in a while, she lands on her knees and the second personality jumps on her back and holds her down.

The second one doesn't seem that bad on first glance. She almost seems like she is helpful, at first - trying to look out for her own best interests. She wouldn't want anyone to be embarrassed. She will look at herself in the mirror and say "You're alright, but you would look really good if you lost another 40lbs." She goes out to eat and thinks to herself "You should pick a healthier food choice - because even though you've been eating well for the last x days and this is a time for a treat of something you enjoy, those people watching you are going to make assumptions about your level of health and motivation." - sometimes when she is at the gym or otherwise working out, she reminds herself that people are probably judging her for "getting to the state you're in" in the first place, and criticising her form. Sometimes, in those cases, she thinks it might just be better to not exercise because then people can't criticize her silently in their minds.

She doesn't think she should go to the beach in a bikini because "nobody needs to see that", and she hesitates before she undresses for bed with her boyfriend in the same room because "what if he doesn't find this body attractive after two and a half years?". She gets on the scale obsessively, several times per day, sometimes, to see if she has lost even an ounce - because that, that is success - more than her physical fitness or good food choices or overall health - and when she has, she celebrates, and when she doesn't, she says "you are going to try harder" - she sometimes uses the mantra "hard work. dedication." when she fails to make herself feel like when she fails she has been lazy and undedicated.

She sometimes operates under the guise of self love but at the end of the day, the only thing that comes out of her mouth is criticism. She just wants to fit in - to fly under the radar and not experience any critical eyes, and she is her own worst enemy.

And when I read about Health At Every Size and Radical Self Love and Healthy Is The New Skinny, the first personality embraces it, rolls in it, RUNS with it. She loves it - she thrives on the idea that if she takes care of herself, and she doesn't lose weight, that is perfectly okay. The second one says "but what will people think?". She has read too many trash magazines bashing this actress or another for gaining TEN POUNDS. She has heard too much talk about the "obesity epidemic", and the tricks and turns you can make to be skinny - like skinny is the only thing worth being (I'm not saying there's anything wrong with it, it just ain't gonna happen for this body!). She worries that if she lets the first personality take over completely and doesn't qualify her existence with excuses about how she is "working on it" or "losing weight" then people will think she is lazy or slovenly or that she doesn't try hard enough or care about herself - when we both know, in reality, that letting the first personality take over is caring about herself.

And that is just how those two personalities feel about the physical - the emotional is a WHOLE 'nother story.

I have been training the first personality - she was not so sure footed before. The division of time I spent being one personality or the other used to be a lot more even - more like 50/50, and for a brief part of my late teens and early twenties, it was more like 20/80 in favour of the second personality. The problem is that the first personality is not  invincible all of the time. She doesn't pay as much attention, but she does see the trash magazines and the media, she hears society telling her she is lesser because she is greater from time to time. Most of the time, she can ignore it, but sometimes it distracts her and that is when the second personality finds it so easy to trip her up. So when I found this video, my first personality took heed.

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I found this gem on a friend's Facebook profile today, and I think it's brilliant. I think this needs to be mandatory viewing.