Resolutions...

Ahh, the new year.

I realize it is no longer the 1st of January so really "past" the time for resolutions, but I'm going to talk about them anyway. I was still caught up in the emotional exhaustion of what my November and December turned out to be on January 1st so I chose not to make any resolutions, except for one, that I have managed, thus far, to keep quite well...

With all of the work in November/December, I was drinking a lot of coffee. A LOT. I am a water drinker by nature but I kept pumping in the coffee and cola soft drinks to try and keep my energy up instead of just resorting to a Red Bull or something else - and I was, as a result, not drinking enough water. I can state proudly that since Christmas Day, I have only had two small glasses of 7Up (they were mixed with wine, haha) on the day after New Year's. Other than that, no pop or coffee at all. I feel pretty good and most days, I don't even want any. I have taken to drinking chai tea in the mornings, but that is it - my water intake has increased significantly, as a result.

I always like to take some time and reflect on my resolutions from the past year when I start to think about new ones. I discovered last year that general things are easier to keep, and easier not to disappoint myself about. I think it was helpful.

So, without further ado:

Last Year:

I want to be "visible" with Bronwyn - in whatever context that ends up to be - horse show, clinic, demos and trade fairs.

I also want to be talking about plus sized riders in person. I go to a lot of equine trade fairs, shows and events with my mother who runs a small home based horse show clothing business (yes, she does make plus sized clothes). I'd like to take a flyer or maybe some business cards along with me. Maybe someday it will develop into talks and demonstrations. Have to start small!

...my "non-horsey" resolution is also health related. My resolution this year is to allow my health to take priority on a daily basis. This means taking the time every day to prepare myself healthier foods, go for a walk, work out, etc. This also means looking after my mental health, which is likely going to mean more time spent on horseback.

I also have a non-horsey resolution to get my completed romantic suspense manuscript into the hands of an agent - ideally published by the end of 2010 (or at least in plans for publication), but into the hands of an agent is a good start.

So... how did I do?

I would say that Bronwyn and I were definitely more visible last year. We attended one show and two public trail rides, as well as a local parade. I would love to expound on this a little more, and take in a clinic, continue with the trail rides, and also plan to bring her along with me to the Equine Review in late April, which is a trade fair with demos, etc. Ideally, I would like to do a demo on clicker training and with our draft under saddle club. I would also like to show her under saddle at at least one show.

I would also say that I succeeded in talking to more plus sized riders - not just in person, but online. I made a forum to go along with the blog and we have built a safe, comfortable, supportive community there where we encourage and challenge one another to be the best that we can be in all aspects of our lives. I brought business cards and a powerpoint presentation that I set up at trade fairs we went to - and talked to many a person - this year, with Bronwyn along, maybe I'll talk to even more people!

As for my non horsey related goals?

...to allow my health to take priority on a daily basis. This means taking the time every day to prepare myself healthier foods, go for a walk, work out, etc. This also means looking after my mental health, which is likely going to mean more time spent on horseback.

I also have a non-horsey resolution to get my completed romantic suspense manuscript into the hands of an agent - ideally published by the end of 2010 (or at least in plans for publication), but into the hands of an agent is a good start.

I would say on the first point, I was reasonably successful. In the year of 2010, I lost probably 50lbs, and kept it off. I stood up for myself emotionally (sometimes it took a little longer to do it, but I always did). I spent more time on horseback than I have in quite a few years, I would say. I developed a deeper connection with Bronwyn and challenged us both, physically and mentally (hello, four hour trail ride anyone?). I would consider that a successful resolution.

As for my novel? Epic fail on that one, though I have begun to consider a different route for the manuscript (e-publisher) and that is something I aim to pursue in 2011 a little more. I just ran out of time and steam in 2010!

So, for this year? I'm going to up the ante a little!

Horse Related

- One show under saddle, one clinic, one mounted parade, one beach ride and one trailride (with the people I ride with, I know the trail ride issue at the very least will exceed my goal!).
- More saddle time in general.
- More opportunity to share my horses with those around me who don't have those opportunities.
- And the most specific one? For my family of four to be able to go on a Christmas day trail ride - this means I have two horses to get broke this year!

Health Related
- 500 miles in 365 days (either with my Leslie Sansone DVD, or on a piece of gym equipment).
- 5k marathon, EVEN IF I JUST WALK.
- 100lb total loss by the end of the year - this means since my beginning weight, which will put me at 225lbs.

Life in General
- Give myself a break emotionally once in a while.
- (I've already got a good start on this one...) Embrace the idea that comfortable and easy trumps dramatic and stressful every. single. time.
- Enjoy the blessings that I have been given. :)

So... how about everyone else? By now, you all should probably have had a chance to move toward your goals and see how they're going to work out for you. What's the word? Your resolutions?

It's here! It's here!

AND I have gotten a chance to ride in it!

I am just going to say it right now: I am never, ever trying to buy a "non" name brand saddle again. The difference in craftsmanship, leather quality, EVERYTHING, is so significant. Sure, I had to expand my budget a little bit, but I think I mentioned in my last entry that I had a wonderful experience with a seller who was willing to work with me. (So Nora, if you're reading this, thank you again! I know I've said it a million times, but I'd keep saying it!)

I picked it up at my postbox across the border on Tuesday, the 4th, but in my excitement, even though I knew (believe me, I kept reading the specs on the saddle over and over) that it is rigged for a dressage girth, I "forgot" and so didn't have a suitable girth to use... so it sat in my living room on my saddle rack while I admired it from across the room until Saturday morning when I was finally able to get to a local tack shop and pick one up.

I ended up with a 26", which WILL girth up and go up several holes, but I am told is a little too short. Anyways - I had to get a girth and that was the only option I had and if I didn't get something soon, I was going to strap it down with balertwine and sit in it! With the holidays and troublesome weather on the East coast, it took just short of three weeks to arrive, so I was pretty anxious.

So Saturday rolled around and I headed to town, went to the gym, picked up the girth, ate some sushi, headed home, and immediately changed my clothes and headed out to the barn. We've been getting some snow, so I knew I couldn't do too much but I needed to at least SIT in that saddle!

Anyways... this is what you're all here for! The pictures!

For comparison's sake, I am first going to refresh your memory with a couple of pictures from the 18" Thorowgood that I bought a while back. The extended panels were too long for her short, stout back, and she was pinched at the shoulders. It also really didn't fit me, like, at all.





Now, the new saddle!




If that doesn't look like a happy horse, I don't know what does!

I normally am very cautious riding in the snow but I was so excited about this saddle and the obvious difference in how easily and pleasantly she moved out that I just had to see what a canter in a well fitted saddle felt like. We have not done a lot of canter, DUE to the saddle issues we have had because of slipping (anyone remember me getting deposited on my head at the canter from a saddle that slipped all the way around Bronwyn's belly?) and also due to the ill fitting saddles, she had some issues (ducking, veering, etc) when we weren't in a roundpen in a "forced" circle.

We took off up through the snow... straight, balanced, comfortable and SO MUCH FUN.

I have had a few offers to buy this saddle from me (before I even got a chance to sit in it) but I have said more than once that I love this one so much I think I might have it buried with me, haha! If anything, it is a smidge too wide for Bronwyn, but I would rather a little too wide than too narrow, and still a little tight for me but I think it works for the length of my leg, just gotta work some of my butt off.

Now I feel that I can finally move forward instead of just floundering around in the same place. I have things I need to work on (hands out of my crotch, no piano hands, and eyes up, to name a few things!) and I feel like I can work on those now that I am not obsessively thinking "Is this saddle hurting my horse? Is this causing her pain?" - I feel like I can comfortably spend more time in the saddle now - it's refreshing and makes 2011 seem pretty bright and exciting to me!

Merry Christmas to ME!

I didn't want to say anything sooner for fear of jinxing it, but as many of you know, I have been on the "Great Saddle Search" for some time now. In the end, I resolved that the Duett line of saddles is about the only way I can go. They are not cheap, but I have yet to hear any bad feedback at all about them. In fact, they are so well liked, as a general rule, that finding a good used one is kind of like finding a unicorn... and finding a good used one that would be both wide enough for Bronwyn and big enough in the seat for me... they exist, oh, they exist... but to get one that is USED is kind of a "from my cold, dead hands.", a la Charlton Heston.

I have doggedly kept my eyes on eBay and Tack Trader looking for something that will fit me and (most importantly) Bronwyn... a couple of times they have come up, out of my price range. Two went over the summer in the $500-600 range which would have been right up my alley, had I had money in my hands. I eventually gave up on the idea of something used and took on a second job through the November/December months in order to buy a new one in the new year.

And then it happened. I found a 38cm, 19" Duett Companion Trail on eBay with a starting bid at $500. This was doable. I was excited!



I don't dig the two-tone going on, but with what I do with Bronwyn at this moment, and considering the fact that my butt and thighs will cover most of the ugly up, it will do. Heck, at this point, I wouldn't care if it had Mickey Mouse all over it, as long as it fits Bronwyn.

Anyways, the seller, "Nora", was beyond helpful. I contacted her with what I anticipated to be my payment schedule prior to even bidding on the account. She was so easy to get along with and even expressed excitement when I won the auction. So, Nora... thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for assisting in this wonderful adventure we call saddle-fitting!

Now, I am a pretty experienced eBayer, but I am also pretty anxious, and I have a hard time (and heart palpitations) when I am bidding on something that is not that common to find and that I also "need". I enlisted my mother, who I would call a "MASTER EBAYER" to help me out with the bidding. What that meant is that she sat at the desktop computer with the page open ready to "snipe" the bidding at 10 seconds prior to the auction ending, and I sat in my bedroom, on my bed, with a blanket over my head and my laptop open before me, neurotically refreshing and refreshing the eBay page and occasionally letting out squeals and shrieks. I had already decided what price I wanted to go to, but what if someone else went $10 higher and I lost the auction?!?! THEN I would have to continue this neurotic searching of eBay and all things internet or wait until the new year before I could buy a saddle.

In the end, I ended up winning the Companion for less than half of what it would cost new (even including the shipping), and I am pretty darn excited. It got into the mail on Friday and I have only a delivery confirmation number so I can do some more neurotic refreshing on the USPS website (probably better that there isn't an actual tracking number so I have more details to anticipate looking for).

Does anyone see a pattern with neurosis here? I am practically bouncing in my seat hoping that it will land before Christmas (they said 8 days but I know USPS can sometimes be faster... but also during this time of year can also be MUCH MUCH SLOWER) and I will have a REAL Christmas present for myself and for my horse.

I usually have buyer's remorse after spending any amount of money on anything (sometimes even grocery shopping gives me buyer's remorse!), but I haven't experienced an ounce of it yet and I am so darn excited!

Slightly Not-Horse-Related: Being Thankful

A week ago on Saturday, I was thankful for having a steady mount. Bronwyn and I decided to finally ride up on the clearcut that has happened next to our home (you might remember me blogging about it and how upset it made me). All the snow that had been on the ground had melted out and it was a really mild day - we had gotten a lot of rain shortly before it but it had backed off and I was really looking forward to just riding my horse up into the mountain and being able to unwind from some personal stresses that were going on.

Bronwyn was keen so as we headed out the driveway, we picked up a brisk trot. As we were passing our pond, all of a sudden, there was no horse under me. Thinking she had stumbled, I supported her head the best I could and tried to keep her from doing a nosedive and Bronwyn managed to stay on her feet. She continued to trot off as though nothing had happened. I reined her in and looked behind me to find an enormous gaping hole in our driveway.

She had put a front foot through a spot beside the cedar culvert that someone had built several years ago. Fortunately, there was no metal for her to cut herself on or get caught up in. Due to the heavy rains we had been experiencing, the earth beside the culvert had just washed away and left a sinkhole. She walked off sound and we completed our ride with no problems - she was not sore even the day after. I was so impressed with her steadiness, and the way that she just took things in stride.

It's funny because to many, she is not predictable, she is difficult and sometimes I feel like she can be a handful. On our longer-than-should-be-legal 4 hour ride, she was full of it when we left - my dad actually said later on that he hadn't been sure if I could handle her. She is reliable in her unpredictability, and the strong underlying current, despite some of the fears she still harbours, is that she trusts me and I trust her and in the end, that is why we get along so well!

Later on, I became thankful for other things that were related to saturated ground and rain.

This is a picture of what our front lawn looked like earlier this week - you can see the spot on the driveway where we fell through the sinkhole. The pond in front of our house is supposed to start about three feet behind the fence. Eventually, we unclogged the old rotted culvert and set most of the pond free and our dog yard is no longer flooded through, but the rain did more damage to other areas.

I lucked out. I am thankful.

These images were taken on roads that I travel on at least a weekly basis (some of them more like daily). This was all from a day's worth of torrential rain.







Fortunately, our place sustained no real damage, but places just 20 minutes away.. people were evacuated, horses had to be moved, reports of riding rings and barns down, pastures flooded, homes picked up and MOVED by the water.

The area is rebuilding, but this has always been one of those "it can't happen here" things.

One Year Later

For anyone whose mind just did a double take when I said I was a fat girl who rides horses, my fat horse and I are here to change the way you think. For anyone whose mind just took a wistful trip down through their childhood memories in which they once rode horses but now feel they are too fat to do so, my fat horse and I are here to change the way you think. And for anyone whose mind did an acknowledging little nod and said "Mhmm, you go girl!", I am here to celebrate with you.

When I sat down to write my first blog entry for this blog on November 29th, 2009, I didn't know what to expect. I knew that I was taking a foray into waters that have, in the past, been controversial, so it could have ended up in one of two ways - I would receive copious amounts of backlash due to my content, or I would receive accolades. I knew from the beginning that there would be few out there who would be impartial to the things I would be saying - there would be either hate or love and one would certainly outweigh the other.

I did not know that there was a whole community of ladies (and some men!) out there who could relate to the things that I was saying. A supportive, wonderful, funny, talented, knowledgeable base of women who were already doing the things they loved without worrying about what others would say. I did not know that there was a whole community of ladies (and some men!) who would need the encouragement that I would provide, that would take the words that I would type and let them bolster their confidence and help them to do things that they may not have otherwise done, like get back into the saddle, start taking riding lessons at a public barn, or purchase their first horse in years.

So many things have come of this blog - so many positive things, that may not have happened without it - and I have benefited from it as well. I have developed more courage, more confidence and more character as a result of this blog. I have felt more love, shared more joy, and celebrated more successes of others as a result of this blog. I feel comfortable, excited and happy to share photos of myself, and I think there are others out there who feel the same way now, too.

I was reminded of why I started writing this blog in March, when I went to visit with my dear friend, Carina, and helped her rediscover the joy of riding. (I have to say, I was also pretty spoiled on this aspect because I got to ride a great horse and enjoy the lovely weather while doing it!)

I "met" the amazing Suzanne Wild, who wrote a guest blog for us, of Fuller Fillies who is facing the same potential for controversy that I do in writing my blog by creating her clothing line.

I have had many a personal revelation that aren't always horse related to share with my readers.

We developed the Forum where someone posted words that completely made my heart swell a couple of weeks ago - "I feel safe here." This is exactly what I had been hoping for, exactly what I had envisioned in beginning to share my journey with everyone. The forum has become a tight knit, supportive community for those who are foraying out for the first time into the world of horses, or who want to get back into it, or who are living it to the fullest. We encourage a community of respect and honesty and so far, have done well. I love those girls and there are parts of each of them that I aspire to be more like.

I love writing this blog. I love hearing the stories, receiving the emails, photos, and feedback from people who are living differently now or who are feeling differently about themselves. It is heartening to me to know that by simply sharing my fat horse with the world, that others are seeing things in a different light. This blog makes me feel safe.

So, a year later, Bronwyn and I want to thank everybody from the bottom of our hearts for the support, encouragement, and sometimes even the criticism to take a second look at what I am doing and how I am doing it and change things. Here's to many more years just like this one has been!

Learning not to fear the fall...

I do kind of live life on the wild side once in a while.

The first time I ever rode Bronwyn bareback, she had been off for about two months. I had never ridden her bareback and it had been YEARS since I had ridden ANY horse bareback... but I thought to myself "Oh, why the heck not?" - the last time I had ridden her, we had parted ways unexpectedly due to the sudden levitation of a cat into an apple tree. I don't know what made me think it was a good idea to climb on without riding in a saddle first, but I did, and I was pretty dang proud of the two of us by the end of that ride:



As a side note, prior to the fall that I had prior to that picture, my last fall was ELEVEN years before. As you can tell, I have lucked out. It is easy for me to say "FACE YOUR FEARS!" and encourage people to ride and not worry about falling off - when I know there are those out there who have had serious injuries to their backs, their pelvises, their heads, etc, that don't find it that easy.

Anyways, all of this to say that I have gotten a little cocky. My little mare can be taken out pretty fresh and we can go for a jaunt without a bridle OR saddle now:



I kind of knew I was riding on borrowed luck from the first go round, which is why it didn't REALLY surprise me when I accomplished fall #3 from Bronwyn's back in a beautifully epic, but sadly unwitnessed front flip over her shoulder into the snow when I decided I HAD to ride my fresh mare who hadn't been turned out in about 12 hours, who had not been ridden in about two weeks in the fluffy snow that was falling. Did I mention I was wearing a horse-eating winter jacket that makes noise when you move around? No? Well, I was.

I also neglected to longe her prior to riding, and to bother with a bridle - I just had my rope reins attached to her halter. I was pretty much asking for it.

She was a little sticky about standing still while I mounted up, which is not very typical for this big beast. I eventually did find a low enough spot to stand her in to get my leg swung up over her but before I could get it all the way over and get myself settled onto her back, she started moving off - I was essentially laying on my stomach along her spine. When she veered left, I went right and landed on my back in the snow, laughing just a little bit.

I have kind of tried to take the attitude that "If I fall, I fall..." all along but that doesn't make falling too awesome. Fortunately, Bronwyn is also still of the mindset that I SHOULD be on her back, not on the ground, so she is always surprised when I land there and hasn't mastered the art of trying to GET me there. It's kind of cute how she is like "MOM! WHY are you on the ground?!??!?!?! *horrified look*"

Anyways... I'm doing alright this morning - my neck is a little stiff from the lash as I always try to protect my helmet from hitting the ground when I fall (awesome, right? LOL) and get a little bit of whiplash.

I managed to get back on after I fell (though I was pretty shaken up) and we had a nice little jaunt around the pasture just like we had intended originally. I wasn't afraid of falling again, because I managed to get out of that one...

But I am curious - those of you who have been hurt in a fall (broken bones, bedrest, hospital stay resulting, etc), how do you muster up the courage to get back on? In my lifetime with horses, I have never broken a bone or had a concussion or anything to that effect (knock on wood), but if I did, I am not sure I would still be brave. Let's talk about it in the comments!

I hate saddles!

There has been a lot of discussion about saddles on the forum lately - the good, the bad, the ugly. One of the lovely ladies on the forum said "I love saddles!" - and all I could think was "I HATE saddles!".

Yeah, I do hate them. Right now, anyway. I am on saddle three, on an extremely limited budget, and trying to find something that fits both my big butt and long inseam as well as Bronwyn's mountainous withers and broad-as-a-coffee-table back has been a challenge that frustrates me. I've almost decided to give up on saddles altogether. I have been posting this photo around the internet and telling people I give up - I am just going to live in the woods with my horse and braid sticks into her mane and ride her around with no tack whatsoever and go wherever she wants, whenever she wants and completely forget about the concept of schooling or competing with her.

Honestly, I feel like my lack of a saddle that we feel comfortable in together has been a huge block to me getting any work done with her. I would say her training has really not progressed more than a step or two this summer due to a combined lack of time to invest into it and also the fact that when I do ride, I am scared to put any real significant amount of time on her, or to do anything strenous for fear of hurting her because of poor saddle fit. I can't work on my position because the saddles I have had don't allow me to get my leg under me. It's overall uncomfortable.

I have taken to riding bareback, primarily. I enjoy it - I look forward to it - probably because I am so uncomfortable in the saddle. I have ridden Bronwyn herself bareback more often in the last two years than I ever rode all of the horses I ever owned and rode in my childhood previous to Bronwyn put together. It's just comfortable that way.

That doesn't mean I wouldn't LIKE to find a saddle that I love. I'd love to find something that will change my mind. Unfortunately, the tack "scene" in our region is not the same as in other places. Sure, you can find lots of 18 or 19" seats... and you can once in a while find a reasonably priced "broadback" style saddle (though never seem to be as wide as Bronwyn needs!), but you rarely find something that fits both her AND I in one saddle in one place, anywhere near me, and in my price range. I can't go to a tack shop and sit in a variety of brand name saddles to see what fits me best or take something home from the consignment shop for a seven day trial. I will have no choice but to buy something from "away" and risk it not fitting, and pay the shipping both ways if it doesn't... IF there is a return option. I am just scared of making a mistake that I can't afford.

I want to put my pennies together and buy something great, designed for a broad backed horse with a seat to fit my butt but it seems like that is a long way in the future at the rate I am going now. I will bide my time, watch eBay, collect pennies out of the washing machine and eventually, I know I will own something that I will love.

In the meantime, you can find me in that treeline behind my roundpen, weaving alder branches into Bronwyn's mane!