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2015-12-15: Hi! You're probably here because you did a Google search for 'plus sized horseback riders' or you saw my content quoted elsewhere. There are a couple of things I'd like you to know.

I am still here! But I am living away from my horses and not riding often. I could tell you a lie and say that I am, but I have always endeavored to give you the truth here. As a result, I'm not feeling terribly motivated to write blog posts and I feel out of touch with the community.

I'd love for you to stay a while and look back through the archives. Visit the links listed below. We still have an active forum community and I post on the Facebook page from time to time.

I have tentative plans to try to get more involved in the horse world in 2016, and I will absolutely share whatever that adventure becomes with you, so keep checking back!

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Black Bile Monster Girl / Not-so-horse-related

I have another mid-week confessional.

I know most of you think I am a perfect, wonderful, faultless, caring individual (hahahahaha!). Let me tell you a secret... I'm not. I have been known to fall into the gossip trap, love to read celebrity "news" magazines and enjoy hearing about drama as long as it's not happening to me. I do make a concentrated effort not to be an outwardly hurtful person but sometimes find myself making remarks in my head about things that if I said out loud would be completely completely unacceptable.

**I think I want to really clarify here that I love my blog readers and forum posters and they should not worry about sharing things with me - the things that I mostly talk about in my head are people who I sometimes consider to be "stupid" - being a fat girl on a horse myself, I think it is wonderful and encouraging and beautiful to see other plus sized riders sharing what they are doing!**

I believe that voice in my head is directly related to the one that sometimes looks at a picture of me riding and says "OMG, look at how you're crushing that horse!" or "Why would that ridiculously-good-looking man even say 'hello' to you? You're not even close to pretty enough to be in his league, AND you're fat!" A lot of the time, I have a great confidence level - a lot of the time, I can be inspiring and encouraging to my readership, but sometimes I go through what I call "black moods", where I just cannot make myself happy no matter what way I slice it.

I think I am afflicted to a lesser degree than some others... after all, those moods are fleeting and usually pass within a day or two (or sometimes even over the span of a good nap or time for personal meditation), I recognize that they are not healthy and I make every attempt to keep myself from spreading that bile and negativity to those around me, particularly those that look to me for encouragement and support. When that "Black Bile Monster Girl" comes to visit, I try to keep her locked up in my bedroom.

I firmly believe that MY Black Bile Monster Girl, while she has never manifested herself like this, is a direct relative (maybe descendant?) of the part that is inside of people that cause them to write these precious nuggets:

YOU FAT COW, HOW DARE YOU MAKE A HORSE DO THAT!!!!
YOU CAN CAUSE A HORSE PERMANT DAMAGE BY FORCING THEM TO DO THAT!!!!! YOUR SUCH A ASTUPID FAT COW, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU CALL YOURSELF A HUMAN!!!! YOU NEVER DO THAT TO A HORSE!!!!!


(To those wondering, this was a comment in response to my video: Bronwyn's Brief Repetoire of Tricks, and I believe, but am not entirely sure that it was in reference to me demonstrating how I was teaching her to bow, by lifting a foot and gently encouraging her to stretch long in the back and slide down onto the knee. She also left a nice nugget on my riding video from November saying that I needed to get off the horse because I was going to "crush it!" -- almost a year later, horse is still not crushed, damnit!)

I never, never, EVER want my Black Bile Monster Girl to turn into ... well, whatever mutant spewed the above writing from inside of what I am sure is often times a relatively civil, reasonable person. NEVER.

I do, however, tend to gossip, and say what I really think to people that aren't the people I am thinking those things about... I dislike confrontation. But imagine how big the confrontation would be if someone found out I was saying those things behind their back instead of trying to word my opinions in a way that is truthful but respectful and maybe hurting some feelings, but at least being honest and true to my word. I think this is a good first step to silencing the Black Bile Monster Girl before she starts to hurt other people in addition to the way she sometimes hurts me.

And on the other hand, even though I know that the person who wrote that comment is probably just a sad, selfish girl who doesn't have her own horse, and is sadly uneducated - her Little Mutant Girl hurt me - as much as you try to deflect the things that other people say, even when you know that the things they are saying are not true... it still hurts. But, if her Little Mutant Girl is hurting other people like that... imagine what it's doing to HER insides! I wouldn't want to see it.

This blog entry was inspired by the 40 Day Inner Mean Girl Cleanse - they also do an Inner Mean Girl Reform School which looks pretty dang tempting.

15 comments:

  1. This is a great post , and good on you to face up to the nasty side we all have. Sorry that the vitroilic comments on your video were left to hurt you. That all said ,I am wondering if you can help me , I asked a few posts back if the company your mom hads is still running (custom show clothes for bigger girls?)

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  2. Hey there - sorry I didn't get back to you earlier - I get so many comments and questions, I used to try to keep up with them but sometimes they overwhelm me! Anyways, she does still make show clothes and has a couple of open spots in her schedule right now - you can email her at rockyvalley@yahoo.com :)

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  3. I like your response to the comment on your video page. I'm glad you didn't lower yourself to their level. Great blog entry. We all have that horrible side of us. Though many of us try to keep a handle on it and don't want to hurt others, the truth is, there are people in this world that just don't care about anyone else.

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  4. I wonder what has happened to Little Mutant Girl to make her so pathetic and nasty. I suspect that she is very lonely. How sad. As much as the comments hurt you, good for you for not responding in kind.

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  5. I always feel sad for those people that can only feel good when they make someone else feel bad. The way I handle folks like that is 1) Imagine something painful, embarrassing and permanent happening to them. Then, after step one, I consider the source and put the hurtful remark in its proper place, which is out of my mind. You know what you do with B is fine and your accomplishments inspire all of us.

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  6. I feel befuddled. I assume that's you in the title picture and if it is, then you are a very pretty with the figure of an adult woman and not going to crush a well built horse. So what's this carry on about how you are supposed to be not attractive and how you are supposed to be fat? Utter nonsense if you ask me. People like George H. Morris who demand that female horse riders be slender, hipless wonders have done immense damage to the psyche of countless women.

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  7. I've had experience with someone recently I think I'm going to have to mentally term a "black bile monster girl". They didn't say anything quite as crazy (or all-capsified) as your youtube commenter but still...I find myself returning to their words over again and getting annoyed again every time I do. Ugh. And then I want to be a bitch back at them but am instead attempting to take the high road here.

    Note: attempting.

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  8. You are lovely, and your horse is lovely too. If you look through youtube, you will find that people leave rude, ignorant comments on the very best rider's videos. They clearly know nothing about riding or horses. I've disabled comments on my videos because I just don't want to hear it. I think your nutcase is a young girl that wants a horse and can't have one. She's jealous and angry. Try not to let that type of thing get you down. Easier said than done, I know.

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  9. What a hateful thing to say. I agree with the above comment. You and your horse are both lovely. I'm sorry those words were spoken to you and about you. It can be hard to recover from comments like those. I hope you will not allow it to wound you deeply. Hugs.

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  10. youtube is full of silly people like the ashley girl. terry sums it up perfectly.
    the video was so cute, and bronwyn looks like a really happy horse!

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  11. I think that maybe ashley5445 needs to watch this video. This one was one of the suggested videos to watch after watching yours.) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WCkFs3fi-xI

    BTW, was just sent to your blog by a fellow large friend who also rides. You have a wonderful blog here--thanks for sharing your experiences!

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  12. Some people are just mean, and the only way they can make themselves feel like someone is to demean and belittle others. Unfortunately they do not realize that it is them that make themselves look like a complete idiot. You have the self-confidence to put yourself out there for the world to see and to hear your opinions; this alone intimidates the idiots. Thanks for intimidating them! If you know who you are and what you stand for, these insignificant peoples will no longer be anything than an occasional annoying insect you can swat with your glove. Congratulations on being the better (or best) person and thank you for also giving us robust appearing ladies incentive to get back in the saddle!

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  13. LOL katphoti! I love that Mo'nique video - I love all of those little oxygen snippets.

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  14. I guess the difference between some people and us is we do not feel the need to say nasty, hurtful things just because we can and not have any backlash or accountability. So, I sez, sez I--keep on doin' what you do and disregard the pettiness. You had an awesome show day and that counts for more.

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