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Sunday, July 24, 2011

Where you find yourself now...

This morning when I was doing the chores, Serenity was nickering over her stall wall to me, hanging her head over, and generally just begging for scritches. The only way to describe her is charismatic. She's sweet and she draws you in but she's also sassy and full of herself. To say that we love her is an understatement. She's just so full of personality, loves to be scratched and petted, picks up her feet, wears her halter and working on leading. When she goes out with mama, she runs circles around her, kicking and jumping and stretching her legs.

As I was rubbing Serenity's ears, it made me consider Bronwyn, who is, even still, "a little funny" about her ears. Imagine if Bronwyn had had the same kind of start that Serenity is having. Regular handling from the time she was born, taught to pick up her feet and lead when she was a wee wiffet instead of when she was four years old and 1300lbs, fed well, exposed to things. Where would she be now? Not with me, that's for certain. Who knows what she could be doing now? She could be pulling a wagon, competing in low level dressage, a trail string pony, a broodmare - any number of things that she is not, at this time, or may never be, while in my possession. So yes, she did have a rough start in life, but I am convinced that were it not for that rough start, her path would never have led her to me.

I struggled with depression for a long time when I was a teen - from about the age of 12 on to 18 or 19, I was not a happy person. My unhappiness sprung from a variety of different places, including (but not limited to) my weight. I grew up a big girl - I was born 10lbs 11oz - and very little changed after that. There were times when I wished that I was skinny and traditionally beautiful and imagined that so many more opportunities and experiences would open up for me.

It's funny how it is only in retrospect that you can fully appreciate the path you have traveled to end up where you are. I fully acknowledge that I still have a lot of road to travel but I am happy. Somewhere along the road, I came to realize that the number on the scale is not an indication of my self worth. Even if I am overweight, I am still a fundamentally good person, and the cause of my weight - whether it is genetics, lack of willpower, medical conditions - whatever it is - it is no greater a sin or character flaw than anything that any person of average weight carries - nobody is perfect.

It's interesting to consider what a different destination I might have ended up at if any of the components of my journey had been different. There have certainly been times that I have wanted to shake my fist at whatever governing power there is in the universe and ask them if they're playing a sick joke on me, but it is sometimes those changes or turns of events that you resist the most that end up being some of the best things that ever happened to you.



You might not have come to the point in your journey yet where you can look back and say "thank God for all I've missed because it led me here to this", but I think it's important to realize that yes, you are on a journey, and the destination you are at now probably isn't going to be the same in a couple of days, weeks, months, years or decades. And just because you are in a position that you don't care for at the moment, doesn't mean that you are undeserving of the good things and desirable final destination that you're going to end up in.

5 comments:

  1. I don't really have regrets about decisions in my life, even awful ones that I paid for. I might think that xxx was stupid or I should have done something different etc. But every step along the way I have had new things come into my life that wouldn't have if I had made different decisions. So I just keep bumbling along and try to enjoy the good things that come along with the bad.

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  2. You are wise beyond your years. It took me a few more decades than you to figure this out :) Another blogger I follow was recently writing about how challenges we wish weren't there often lead to better places. It's so true. Great post.

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  3. What a great post! Thank you! And I know how you feel about Bronwyn...my Patty is the same way. She was a rescue pony, and is now a retired show princess. I would have never been able to have her, had the folks that had her promoted and handled her properly. She's definitly a blessing in my life, and I hope she feels the same about me. I also understand your journey with weight issues. I was raised in a family that believed you were ugly unless you were skinny. There were many times my mom and grandmother told me "You could do so much better if you werent so fat. Its a pitty.", "you could have had that job if you were prettier (ie, skinny)." And it took a long time to realize that I was a pretty decent person and had great friends and that all that nonsense I had grown up with was just that--nonsense! You are beautiful! Never forget that!

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  4. I couldn't agree more, there's nothing to say that had I not moved to KY, gotten Tessa(and despite me selling her, still) I may not have ever found this blog or the forum and I right now couldn't be happier and more content konwing that i make my own route in life, with guidance from online and in person family and friends!!

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  5. This hit home so much I was almost in tears. I have to say you are wise for your age compared to me. Bravo!

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