2015-12-15: Hi! You're probably here because you did a Google search for 'plus sized horseback riders' or you saw my content quoted elsewhere. There are a couple of things I'd like you to know.
I am still here! But I am living away from my horses and not riding often. I could tell you a lie and say that I am, but I have always endeavored to give you the truth here. As a result, I'm not feeling terribly motivated to write blog posts and I feel out of touch with the community.
I'd love for you to stay a while and look back through the archives. Visit the links listed below. We still have an active forum community and I post on the Facebook page from time to time.
I have tentative plans to try to get more involved in the horse world in 2016, and I will absolutely share whatever that adventure becomes with you, so keep checking back!
I don't know why I like them so much but I am a big fan of bucket lists. I tend to write them up, imagining the things I want to accomplish and see before I don't have the opportunity anymore. This morning, I found this AMAZING video on Facebook of what's called "working equitation". I will let it speak for itself!
The dedication... stamina, athleticism, precision and freaking horsemanship in this video is fan-freaking-tastic.
Anyways, it led me to think about my horse-related bucket list because, you guessed it, andalusians are on it! (You might recognize that my love for them comes from my love of Spanish Normans.) So without any further ado, not necessarily related to my goals for my own horses, and in no particular order....
Guys, winter sucks. I mean, I trade a lot of the other stuff to have to deal with winter - sweltering heat, tornadoes, earthquakes, large populations of poisonous animals, etc - and every year, when winter starts and the snowflakes are kind of cute and romantic, I say "oh well, it's just winter". Yeah. Right about now, I am counting down the days until winter is over.
I was out to the farm a couple of times last week - Sunday to meet up with my trimmer so she could give my kids fancy pedicures, and then again through the week to visit/basically spend time with the horses. Though the weather was mild, the ice on the ground was freaking ridiculous, so my original fantasies about going on just one tiny little stroll bareback through the snow were pretty much dashed. And so it goes with winter. Stinking winter.
Now that we've had tons of mild weather and rain, the snow is mostly gone but I am stuck in the office. So goes with life. Stinking life. Anyways, here are some pictures I snapped with the new camera that G gave me for Christmas. It's water, dust, shock and cold proof which means the intent with which he gave it was so that I could take it to the barn/riding and stop using his camera for those things and putting it in harm's way every time. :) Enjoy!
Bronwyn sez "I see you have come to feed me treats."
Bronwyn sez "Please also feed my filly, Lola, treats as well."
Lola sez "I CAN SEE THE TREATS."
Rex, Serenity and Lola are the derpiest of derps. Bronwyn cannot associate with them.
It has been a couple of years since I have gone into a new year with any clear vision for the 365 days to follow. So often, the holiday season depletes me to the point that all I can think about is being able to clear my head after it's all over and done with and get some rest.
This year has been no exception. Some of you may know I work an additional physically demanding waitressing job during the holiday season and my primary job can be influenced by poor weather affecting my company's infrastructure, so with back to back weekly storms for the last few weeks, it goes without saying that I have been both physically and emotionally drained for weeks now.
We have just one more holiday celebration tomorrow with G's mother's part of the family, which is traditionally always on New Year's Day (a bit of a relief considering how many different places we have to divide our time between during the holiday!), we are wrapping things up for another year.
Unlike previous years, however, I feel a renewed sense of motivation for productivity, goodness and self development. I started drafting a list of wishes and resolutions for 2014 in my paper journal a couple of days ago when I found myself with a few free moments and a glass of wine. So, here I share with you the stream of consciousness that is my desire for the new year. Please share yours in the comments below!
- Spend more time reading and writing. These are things that I love to do and rarely have a problem doing once I actually make myself sit down to do it. Finding myself unbothered by other, more "present" distractions can be difficult. The plan is to enforce a 1 hour daily, timed if necessary, alternating timespace in my day for reading or writing. Doesn't matter if it's good, just matters that I am doing it. Eventually, it will be habit and a cherished part of my day, though I am sure it will begin feeling painful and forced.
- Publish (e-publish, possibly) at least one piece of fictional writing in 2014 and build my portfolio as both a blogger and writer of fiction. I have made some connections to begin to explore my options - might as well make that hour a day writing count for something, right? I would also like to get into my options as far as guest blogging and possibly cultivate a non-horse related blog for my other body positivity/feminist ramblings and rants.
- Write at least 4 blog entries per month (preferably weekly!) and integrate at least 1 guest blog or review entry per month. Here is where all of you can be helpful in keeping me accountable. Shout at me on the fanpage if necessary. And if you are interested in guestblogging or writing a review, please see this page.
- Get the Etsy shop for my bling saddle pads - Sweet Angel Custom Bling Saddlepads and spend some time promoting and working at this. This is something I really enjoy doing and again, it falls into lack of productivity. During any time but the holiday, my work schedule allows for me to work on other things in my own time, and this is something I want to pursue more.
- Go swimming once per week. Everybody says "lose weight" every year and I was really tempted this year. I have put on a little bit of weight through bad eating habits in the last month or two but when I really got down to it, it is not about losing weight and being "skinnier". I have come to terms with my body in any state that it is in, I truly have, but I have not been feeling good or energetic. Once I get moving, I feel like continuing. I got a new waterproof MP3 player for Christmas from G, for the purpose of my lap swimming - so this is something I am going to make time for once per week, and hopefully it will lend itself to other things.
- Attempt to do at least 2 "social" things per month outside of the things I do with G. This one is as much for him as it is for me. He insists I should be out doing more social activity. So this will be a movie or a coffee or a trail ride with a girlfriend or a group of friends at least twice per month. (There, are you happy? Haha, just kidding!)
- Get out of our apartment by the end of 2014. This is one both G and I set together. I want this to mean a house with a property for the horses to be with us. All I know is we are outgrowing our apartment with the sheer volume of our "stuff", soooo...
But Amanda, you don't have any horse related goals. BUT I DO! - Ride Rex. I have talked about this OVER AND OVER AND OVER. A few months ago, I started a small savings fund and have been putting away a little bit at a time. I already have enough for a month of training on him in the spring. My parents have me nearly convinced to ride him myself and a strong motivator for that is that I could then, instead, use the money to take him and Bronwyn out to trail rides, clinics, and other fun stuff. I am fully capable and able to ride him myself, I just have to DO IT.
Rex's whole story is truly about false starts. Every year since he was two or three, I've gone through the motions that he was going to be ridden. All the ground work, lunging with a saddle, bridling him - I have even been on him a couple of times. But I keep making excuses. For him, this is old hat, for me this is some kind of mental block, I truly believe. I am going to punch a hole right in that wall this year. Particularly because if I don't, it will block the next wish/resolution.
- Clinic Bronwyn. This might be a cattle penning clinic. You never know.
- Canter Bronwyn. Yes, we've cantered before. This is more about getting the pair of us to the fitness level necessary to canter in a balanced and collected way.
- Spend more time with the ponies. Also, this little girl:
Obviously not a recent picture.
Expect to see more Lola in 2014. Sweet thang.
Overall, I want 2014 to be a year of moving and shaking. Focusing on the things that I love to do. Allowing myself to be myself. Embracing everything that comes my way. Understanding that I cannot always be in control, and to trust others when that happens. Giving more value to my time. Taking care of myself. Pursuing my goals.
I'm going to be honest and say I've had a couple of theme songs leading me into this mindframe, I think. Don't laugh, now.
Aaand then... for the purpose of ringing in the new year, I bring you this!
You know when something belongs on your bucket list but you've never put it there because it doesn't occur to you that it might be a possibility or something that you could make happen? Yeah, that's what seeing Dr. Temple Grandin speak in public was for me.
When my mother and I found out that she was coming to Truro, NS, about a four hour drive from my place, and we could head out there while combining a trip to make connections to a new forever home for a dog, it was a pretty easy decision for me to reschedule a dentist appointment and postpone a nacho night, since this was a once in a lifetime opportunity.
As the daughter of a livestock producer (small scale as it is), I have particular interest in her influence on the welfare of meat animals, and as 50% of all cattle and pigs being slaughtered in North America today are being slaughtered in facilities that employ her strategies, that's kind of a big deal. She has a unique way of looking at the processing of commercial meat without attaching emotion to it - while still employing empathy.
Dr. Grandin was in the area to attend a conference on autism as, if you weren't aware, she is one of the most recognized adults with autism and, in addition to her work with animals, is a well known author and "inside voice" about issues surrounding the autism spectrum, but is a friend of the former Nova Scotia Agricultural College (now the Dalhousie University Faculty of Agriculture) and insisted that she get a chance to "do some animal talks" while she was in the area. My mom is an NSAC alumni (she took a course called "Horse Care", hehe).
When Dr. Grandin spoke at the NSAC campus a few years back, it was the first time that the 400-seat Alumni theatre had been filled to capacity, which we didn't know. We were dawdling around town after making connections to deliver the dog when a friend of mine living in the area advised me that we should get to campus if we wanted to be able to get a seat, since an hour and a half before the doors even opened (which was 30 minutes before the talk was to begin!), there was already a line up. We motored over and found a line around the corner of the building, 3 or 4 people wide in some places. I hopped out of the car and mom went to park it. By the time that she got back, the line had doubled.
And the line got longer after that! We filled the Alumi theatre (we were fortunate to get inside), and they set up two on campus locations for people to view live streaming (and it was available online as well). It looked like the satellite locations to watch live streaming were pretty full, too.
We got in and settled in and I couldn't stop grinning. Dr. Grandin received a standing ovation when she took the stage. It was clear that I was not the only person THOROUGHLY STOKED to see this legend in person.
She was exactly like you would imagine her to be - from her enthusiasm to her outfit to the no-nonsense common sense information that she provided. From what I could gather, she had given a talk to livestock producers earlier in the day that would I would have found really interesting in addition to the lecture she gave us on animal behaviour and how to prevent fear memories in animals.
After the slideshow and lecture, we moved on to the Q&A period, which she clearly was looking forward to (and I sometimes felt like she was pushing through the slideshow specifically to get there). The passion and enthusiasm that she spoke with made it really evident how invested she is in the well being of animals. She got another standing ovation when she left - and because we had a long trip to get home and the crush of people moving up into the foyer to have books signed by her was, quite frankly, overwhelming, we headed home. (Also, secretly, I did not want to "fangirl" in front of her...)
If you're interested, they put the primary talk on Youtube, but sadly didn't include the Q&A, which, in my opinion, was the best part!
It is hard not to feel blessed out the wazoo today.
On top of being it being the Thanksgiving celebrations (I was definitely craving turkey yesterday!) for our US friends, yesterday, I celebrated my 3 year anniversary with G. I have talked about him a few times through the blog but I don't know if I've ever communicated just how awesome he is, how much he "gets" me, and how supportive he is (even though he is not even an inkling a "horse person"). And then today, four years ago today, I wrote my very first blog entry: The Beginning Is A Good Place To Begin. Since then, there have been over 200 blog entries written, over 2300 fans on Facebook and almost a quarter of a million independent views.
I had no inkling then what this blog would become, and I can't honestly say if I knew then how it would come about if I would have done anything differently. I have had my lows and my highs and my readership has been through them all with me. I have grown so significantly as a person - both as a direct result of the friendships I have made and stories I have heard through the readership and through the research and reading I have done online about body positivity and acceptance - things I didn't even know really existed when I started the blog. Yes, I have even grown through the (relatively small amount of) negative feedback that I have gotten.
When I started writing, I did know a few things -
1) I was a fat girl riding a horse
2) the online equestrian community (at least at that time and what I had been exposed to) was largely not in favour of fat girls riding horses
3) I was not the only fat girl riding horses
4) I wanted to write about it because people didn't talk about it and I wanted others to know they weren't alone
5) the response was either going to not exist or be terrible.
I could not have anticipated the way that people would respond to the blog, and pretty much every single day, I feel like I am not worthy or qualified to have your ear. I regularly get emails and messages asking for advice and support, and sometimes am so overwhelmed that I can't reply to all of them, and the ones I do reply to, I feel like I am not an expert on any topic (I'm really not) and would be better off directing people to other venues to get their information (for the record, when I can divert someone to someone more qualified, I do, but how do you qualify someone's expertise on existing as a fat person in a world dominated by a different body shape?). I have had opportunities to learn how to be kinder, how to be tougher, and more professional. I have, from my online family community on the forum, learned many things about how to deal in day to day not-horse-related life. I've gotten riding tips, and horse management tips and enjoyed spreading the word in person as frequently as I could.
I changed from someone who secretly wanted to be different than the "fat girl" to someone who loved herself completely in whichever state that I was in, and who, in turn, could then love someone else completely. And I don't think that I could have done that without writing this blog - so as much as it was FOR all of you, and as much as it IS for all of you, it has also been for me. It has been for the girl who always used to qualify her very existence by tagging on "but I'm losing weight", and the girl who would tell people "we are all works in progress", but in her mind knew that was about losing weight, not about developing personally, the girl who pined after the things she wanted but never went out and got them because she didn't think she deserved them. This blog has been for the girl who was shy to go out in public, who worried what other people would think about her, who thought she could stay that girl forever - the one who thought if she lost weight, her life would magically be better and she would be happier - the one who put off things "until the right time" but really meant "until I lose the weight".
It has also been for the new girl that has emerged over the last four years - the one who no longer feels the need to qualify her existence for anyone, who can truly and genuinely say that she is happy, who understands motivation and seizing the day and not being afraid to speak her mind, the one who (kind of, secretly) enjoys the look on someone's face when she suggests that maybe not every body is meant to fit into the same silhouette and that maybe there is more to life than being thin or losing weight. It's for that girl who can be called names like "fat cow" and "buttered pig" and lift her head high because she knows her truth, and that those words and opinions speak volumes about the other person and absolutely not a thing about her.
I hope that the last four years has done something like this for you, too.
When I was in the throes of my multiple rides, I commented to my friend Nicole that Bronwyn "is the brains in the operation". The majority of the time, I feel that I can let her make the safest decision for the pair of us when it comes to footing or precarious paths. She did, afterall, just walk out of a collapsed culvert without hurting herself or losing me in the process. This video is a prime example of trusting your horse to make the best decision for the two of you as a pair. I don't know enough about jumping to know how or why they ended up in the mess going into that combination but it is clear that the rider decided that his interference was the last thing that this horse needed in order for the pair of them to be able to make it through together that with all of their appendages intact.
I get a lot of private messages and emails. Absolutely, by far and away, the most popular question is some variation of "Am I too big to ride?" and sometimes refers to a specific horse. I have often said that there is an appropriate horse out there for anyone who can get themselves into a saddle - it just might not be the horse in that physical state that they are riding at that time. If you ask a general equine interest forum, there is a lot of talk about the "20% rule", some people say the line is absolutely drawn at some arbitrary weight (usually 250lbs) - and I have even imposed that one on myself before.
I would be lying if I said I didn't, from time to time, see horses and riders that I did not feel were well matched (in one direction or the other, I have definitely seen riders that are riding horses that are WAY TOO BIG) - it is generally not my place to comment. The truth is that I feel there are way too many changing factors to consider when deciding if a horse and rider are a well matched pair for me to feel comfortable giving any solid guidelines, especially in a general sense.
We can talk about 20% rules and bone ratios and man fat vs. woman fat all we want, but I think we sometimes forget to give the horse some credit for helping to make this decision. Very often, the horse is the brains in the operation. They don't behave on emotion or selfish motives the way that we do. Though some horses are more stoic than others when it comes to pain or discomfort, they will not feign comfort in order to avoid hurting your feelings and likewise, they do not demonstrate physical problems with bearing your weight out of spite or any other emotion. If you are an attentive, aware rider, your horse very often will tell you, without any words, if you are too heavy or just right. So pay attention - just because you might fit the 20% rule (or whichever of the varying guidelines for weight bearing that you choose to follow at whichever time) doesn't mean that you can ignore pinned ears, constant moving off from the mounting block (that isn't related to training issues), surface pain, etc - but also, that horse that you are 20 or 30 or even 50lbs over the "rule that says I can ride" for might prick his ears forward, nod enthusiastically when you pull out your helmet, come rushing to be caught, and lift his back with ease under your weight.
I do think I have occasionally run into readers who are so obsessed with the numbers that they talk themselves out of riding a horse that is perfectly acceptable for bearing their weight. I'm not saying that we should ignore some of the guidelines that are set in place to help us understand where to draw the line when it comes to riding, but I am also saying that sometimes the horse that, by all accounts, should be able to bear your weight can't - because it has a long back, or because it is out of shape, or because it is too old or too young. And sometimes the one the rules say you shouldn't ride is a perfectly acceptable mount because of their conformation and physical fitness.
Nobody wants to be a bad horse owner, and I think it's pretty safe to say that we all love our horses. For many of us, the horse has been the one constant companion that we have had that has never passed judgement on us for not looking like a girl on the cover of Cosmo. None of us want to hurt our horses. Sometimes we need to set our pride aside and admit that the horse we are riding is not the right horse for us at that time, but more often, I think we need to set the "rules" aside and ask the horse to be the brains in the operation for a couple of minutes.
So, every once in a while, in my online travels, I see things that make me kind of mad. Last night, I saw so much stuff that made me mad that I queued up a blog entry that I entitled "Why Are Horse People So Mean?". It was going to be about how competitive we are, and how bad people are for absolutely no reason at all. It had this for an opening:
This might be an unpopular statement but that's never stopped me before: If I were not already a horse person who knew the joy of the bond with a horse, that comforting smell of hay and sweat and leather, and the only exposure I had to base my decision on was the people involved with horses, I probably would choose not to get involved.
Fortunately, I ran out of time/steam/energy to write it before it was finished. And then I realized that it would have just been a whole pot full of negativity and complaining, and that's not my MO these days.
And then when I got in bed, I started thinking, and remembered this image that I had shared on my personal Facebook timeline a week or so ago:
I don't know if there is actually any actual, scientific proof to this statement. But I can attest to how negativity or online confrontations affect me at the point of impact -- sweaty palms, cold digits, overall brain numbness, stomach upset. I basically hate to subject myself to it and it would be awful for me to subject my readership to it unnecessarily.
So why do we? Why do I keep looking? Why do I post just one more post? Why do I sneak back to look at that FB page that just makes me roll my eyes and make me angry with how unkind people are to one another? Why do we stay friends with the person that snidely makes underhanded comments about us?
In essence - why do we give others the power to affect how we feel negatively?
Someone once said to me that staying mad over someone is like letting them live rent free in your head. You might be hard pressed to let someone you like do that, so why would you let someone you dislike do that?
I think I used to almost enjoy that dramatic anger, in my "younger days" (insert everyone older than me giving me the stinkeye because I'm calling myself old here), but I have learned that life is indeed every single cliche about being too short to waste it on things and people that do not make you happy. I'm not saying that you should always run at the slightest indication of negativity, but measure the value of it in your life. If something is making your eyes roll or your heart race (with anger) more than it makes you smile, it might be time to cut that something loose, unfriend that FB friend-that-you-don't-even-know-in-real-life-but-keeps-posting-inflammatory-political-posts, make a positive change in your own life.
These days, I try not to get into altercations. Most of the (very few) negative comments that get posted to the blog are responded to with fact, not emotion, and I try to walk away more often than not. I have lived a happier life since I learned to own and know my own truth and get rid of the negative stressors in my life. That is not to say that I don't welcome intelligent conversation - I do, but the minute it turns into personal poison, something that will live in my heart longer than just in the moment, and give me afterburn, I try to get out of that situation as quickly as possible. And I try not to perpetuate it. It's not perfect, but it's the best favour I ever learned to do for myself.
