Goodbye Hickstead

I love to watch showjumping. When people ask me what my favourite televised sport is, the answer always includes showjumping. And who doesn't love the Canadian favourites - those teams that go together like bread and butter? Ian Millar & Big Ben, Eric Lamaze & Hickstead...

The news of Hickstead's death at the Verona CSI in Italy today spread quickly among the online equine community. Even if you didn't watch the video of his last moments, we all realized how sudden it is. I don't know about anyone else, but it reminded me of the mortality of our horses.

They make us feel incredible, invincible - a horse can humble or inspire you (and sometimes those two are one in the same). They are the symbol and vehicle of freedom of many, the best friends of many an awkward (and not awkward!) teenage girl, an instrument of livelihoods and leisure times. Treat a horse right and they will have your back, save your life (physically and emotionally), teach you as many lessons as you can open your heart to learn. And as quickly as they come to you, as immediate as the epiphanies they provide you can be - they can go, again. Disappear before your very eyes and leave you gutted - a stronger and better person for having known and loved them - but devastated for that loss.

I had eight hours to come to the realization that Angel was going, that I would have to wake up the next morning and begin to move through my life without her. I cannot even begin to imagine the way it felt when that realization came to Eric, when his steed staggered out from under him after a brilliant round and then died before his eyes. I can imagine the hole in his heart - I know, I have been there. So tonight, as I put my arms around my frustrating, quirky, portly pony, I thought of Hickstead, of his team, and the man with whom he flew. I put my hand on her chest and wondered 'will you ever leave me this way?', my hand on her stomach and asked the same thing. And then I realized - it doesn't matter. Someday, every horse will leave every girl who ever loved them. Behind them, they will leave a legacy - it might not be in the media, as widely televised as the incredible performances of Hickstead - it could just be in the heart of a girl who will never forget them. I think Hickstead will do a little of both. Godspeed, big little horse.

Don't Cry For The Horses
Brenda Riley-Seymore


Don't cry for the horses that life has set free.
A million white horses, forever to be.
Don't cry for the horses now in God's hands.
As they dance and prance to a heavenly band.


They were ours as a gift, but never to keep
As they close their eyes, forever to sleep.
Their spirits unbound, forever to fly.
A million white horses, against the blue sky.


Look up into Heaven. You will see them above.
The horse we lost, the horse we loved.
Manes and tails flying, they gallop through time.
They were never yours, they were never mine.


Don't cry for the horses, they will be back someday.
When our time has come, they will show us the way.
Do you hear that soft nicker close to your ear?
Don't cry for the horses, love the ones that are here.

If you love something, let it go...

I always thought that saying was silly. I have a hard time letting anything go - a grudge, a cold, money - nevermind something that I love and value. This is why I was so surprised when I walked into the barn last night and right by Ari's empty stall and didn't feel a twinge of sadness. Not any. Not at all.

My personal situation is on the cusp of change at the moment and it is no longer (well, was it ever, really?) reasonable for me to keep three horses that I don't have time for. I had already made a decision to place Rex, my gelding, with a trusted friend of mine, bring Bronwyn with me wherever I go, and let Ari stay on the farm with my family, where I thought she belonged. On a whim, never thinking in a million years that I would find something that would feel "right", I posted Ari for up for a lifetime lease on my Facebook and on the forum. I mean, she is an "aged" mare when it comes to stock horses (she's just turned 8) and she has had maybe a dozen rides on her over those years. She is definitely not a beginner project for anybody, but doesn't have a speck of dirt to be found in her. A few people did inquire about her, but I still didn't have the "this feels right" feeling about any of it... afterall, this is the baby of my baby - she is out of my dearly missed heart horse and sired by my mother's dearly missed heart horse. She was born here and I've watched her grow, seen her in my pasture every day, cried many a tear into her mane.

My friend Maria said "have you talked to Meg? She sounds perfect for Meg!"

When Meg contacted me and began to tell me her story, I started to get that "this is right" feeling. She fit many of my "requirements" - a lifetime of experience with horses, a great support structure, a good understanding of common sense, and most important of all - a true love and care for equine-kind, regardless of their usefulness to her. We sent long emails back and forth for quite a while, detailing everything that I knew about Ari and exactly what Meg was looking for. Without going into too many details - Meg was thrown and nearly paralyzed by her standardbred whose list of past owners reads like a "should be banned from owning animals" list. In short, she needed a confidence builder that reminded her how to have fun on the back of a horse and not to be afraid.

The trip to haul her was longer than I anticipated and with more stresses than I had planned on (as if leaving my little girl behind wasn't stressful enough!), but in the end, I am glad we chose to haul her ourselves. Not just because this gave me an opportunity to put a face to words in emails, to see the facility. In retrospect, some of the best parts of the trip were seeing the little girls at the barn so excited to see the pretty new horse, staying up way too late eating cookies and talking horse with Meg and Maria, and seeing someone else - someone who is clearly capable and willing - spending more saddle time on Ari than I had in the last year. Those were the things that cemented, for me, that this was the right decision - even more so than seeing the facility, signing the contract, meeting the barn owner.

When Meg sat on her, they were perfectly sized for one another. She moves like a horse that wants to play with western pleasure but could be athletic enough to cut or rein - and that's right up Meg's alley.

I won't lie and say I didn't shed a tear or two, because I did. I was fortunate to have my dad with me - at one point, he consoled me by saying "She's going to look after her." and I said "I know, and that might be the part that bothers me the most." - the fact that I didn't have the time to appreciate her as much as Meg clearly was going to.

She has been gone almost a week. I have gotten glowing reports from Meg. She loves her. I imagined that it would be much, much harder to let something that I loved so much go. It was a lot easier to leave her with someone who clearly loves her as much as I do. Someone who appreciates her for the quiet little mare that she is. And most of all, it has been easier since I put it into perspective: Once upon a time, someone provided me with an opportunity with a horse that I really needed... I didn't know how much I needed her at that time, and it took me a long time to figure it out. I was reminded the last night when I sat on her in our muddy yard, in the pitch dark, in 2C weather that Bronwyn is the horse that I need. Rex and Ari are the horses that I love and care for, but Bronwyn is that horse that I need. I am paying it forward.



The photos in this post are courtesy of the marvellously talented Maria Casey, who was there, snapping away and being supportive the whole time! :)

Taking Responsibility

It's Friday, I know, I am supposed to write a favourite. Thing is, I have something else on my mind. It's not really horse related, but it's applicable, and it is relevant, and it belongs to both of my blogs. Maybe this tough-love entry is for my benefit more than anybody else's, but hey - maybe someone else can benefit from it, too.

My life has undergone a few drastic changes in the last couple of years - it started with my brain, that part of myself that suddenly decided to find worth and value in myself as a person - the part that realized that if I wanted something to happen, I was going to have to work toward making it happen myself. That doesn't mean that I haven't had help along the way from an excellent support structure but that does mean that I had to start the ball rolling, nobody else could do it for me. And it's a lot easier to get help to get to your final destination if you're already on the journey - don't forget that everybody else is on their own journey and had to find their motivation to get onto that journey on their own, they don't have the energy left to start you out. This falls into the category of "you can really only help those who help themselves".

This also falls into the category of "fall down seven times, get up eight." Even if you have a couple of false starts, it is better to have tried and failed than never to have tried at all. They don't write news reports and history books about people who never had the strength to start the journey in the first place. When is the last time you heard about a guy who never waged a war against inequality?

What counts is that you don't let yourself down. If you're not happy with where you are, change it. This doesn't mean that you're going to go from homeless to rockstar in one day (unless, of course, you make it on some reality talent show, of course) - and I think that is the part where many people get frustrated and give up before they even begin. They get overwhelmed by the magnitude of their dream - they neglect to work out a road map so that they can measure their progress and consider anything except the realization of the goal to be failure. Start small. Make the small changes in your life that will add up to the big ones. Set small goals that make up the large goals. Celebrate the progress. Take it one day at a time.

Sometimes the progress is going to be just getting out of bed in the morning, looking yourself in the mirror and smiling, whether you feel like it or not.

Set a big goal today. Track the progress. Tell somebody - share it - make the good things happen for yourself. You deserve it as much as anybody does - maybe more!

Keep moving toward your goals!

(I am crossposting a variation of this today on both of my blogs, A Fat Girl & A Fat Horse and Love it, then lose it., because I think it needs to be said on both a healthy lifestyle vein and also the horsey vein!)

I love these little tidbits that I get everyday from SparkPeople.com in my email - they are almost always applicable to the personal emotional journey that I am on in addition to my weight loss journey. This showed up in my email this morning:

Be not afraid of going slowly; be afraid only of standing still.
- Chinese Proverb

A lot of you guys out there are what the horse world calls "re-riders" - which means you rode when you were younger and then life, family and/or career stopped you from riding for a period of time and you are now facing more free time, more free money, etc. A lot of you guys are here because you are both a re-rider and a plus sized rider.

It can be SO frustrating getting back into the saddle after some time off. Your body might not work the way you are used to it working - you could be heavier than you were when you rode before - you could be older, or have experienced medical/physical setbacks during your time away from the saddle. You may have your confidence shaken and all you can manage is a walk or a jog. It's frustrating. You want to be able to do the things you once did - or even if you've never ridden before, you want to be able to do everything right away.

I am a great one for getting some good steam going - a quick pace, and then burning out. I'm talking about various aspects of my life, really - weight loss, emotional issues, riding, career... Because going slow is scary. Being behind everyone is terrifying for me. I am used to excelling at life, being competitive and good at most things that I put my mind to.

When I graduated from high school, I decided to take a year off to work and then go back to university to complete my BSW specializing in Child Welfare. By the time I got back to university, I was already a year behind all of the friends I had graduated with - my mother graciously suggested, since I did not have enough of a student loan to both keep my apartment and pay my tuition and so would have to work through the school year, that I take part time courses. I didn't want to be any farther behind my friends, so I insisted on taking a full course load and working full time - to get to my goal faster.

The disadvantage to this is that I was so caught up in getting to my destination that I missed a lot of the journey. (For those wondering, student loan pulled all of my finding because I had worked too much and I ended up burning out and dropping out of university and haven't been back since - now I am way more than just 1 year behind my friends!).

If you want to ride horses, find a way to make it happen. Work toward your goal - even if you go slow, you are still going. As I have mentioned before, recognize your limitations and

KEEP MOVING, DON'T QUIT.

For the love of an animal...

At the end of the day, when an animal cannot make a decision itself, we are essentially the only ones who are responsible for doing the right thing for them. It is a heavy burden, and the right choice can sometimes be overshadowed by selfishness. Of course we want to keep our furry familiars with us, sometimes even when it is not the best choice for the animal.

A year ago today, a young woman who is very special to me and who I have mentioned in this blog several times as my partner in crime and sister made a decision to do the right thing for a dog that she loved very much. Bella was plagued by demons that none of us could really understand and after three years of blood, sweat, tears, and a lot of money to try to help Bella, my then 17 year old sister helped her best friend cross the Rainbow Bridge with dignity and let her find peace.



There was not a whole lot that Shay wanted more in this world than to be able to keep Bella with her... but she made the decision, as the only one who could, to cease her demons. Many times, she has questioned herself - even today, a year later, there are times when she wonders if she made the right choice. I know that she did. And so does Bella.

I spoke to a friend of mine last weekend who has an intuition for animals. She said to me that animals come here for whatever period of time they have, for a purpose - to teach us a lesson or show us something we didn't know about ourselves - and when their purpose has been completed, they leave us, to make room for the other animals that will teach us other lessons that they were not able to. When they depart this earth, it is their time, whether we feel that it is or not, so there is no resentment, no distrust of a human that may have to make that decision for their creature, because the time is right, whether we know it or not. I choose to believe this.

Friday Favourite: Courageous Comet & Rebecca Holder 2011 WEG Cross Country Run

Thanks to one of our Facebook Fans for sharing this video on the wall yesterday!



I don't think that ANYBODY could tell me that this woman and her horse are not athletes - and he is not an enormous horse, either - tremendous, yes, but enormous, no. Love the pricked ears and pleasant expression - he clearly LOVES his job and is not bothered by any extra pounds his rider may be carrying.

Miss you, miss you, miss you.

The Grandest Foal
Author Unknown



I'll lend you for a little while,
my grandest foal, God said.
For you to love while he's alive,
and mourn for when he's dead.


It may be one or twenty years,
or days or months, you see.
But will you, til I take him back,
Take care of him for me?


He'll bring his charms to gladden you
and should his stay be brief,
you'll have those treasured memories,
as solace for your grief.


I cannot promise he will stay,
since all from earth return.
But there are lessons taught on earth
I want this foal to learn.


I've looked the wide world over
in my search for teachers true.
And from the throngs that crowd life's lanes,
with trust, I have selected you.


Now will you give him all your love?
Nor think the labor vain.
Nor hate me when I come
to take him back again?


I know you'll give him tenderness
and love will bloom each day.
And for the happiness you've known,
you will forever-grateful stay.


But should I come and call for him
much sooner than you'd planned,
you'll brave the bitter grief that comes,
and maybe understand.

Five years ago today, my earth Angel went home. I miss her every day but I also know that without losing her, Bronwyn would never have come into my life. It is because of Angel that I have any passion for horses at all. I will never forget the desperate bond I forged with baby Rex who was still on his mom when she colicked and died that night. I needed him as badly as he needed me. I have truly enjoyed him this summer, and tonight it was, once again, he and I, in the barn, having some quiet time while I doctored the wound he got on his leg last week.

The hardest part for me was recognizing the lessons I had learned - both in Angel's life and in her death, and forgetting about the unfairness of it all. I remember thinking to myself that there were much worse horse owners out there than I - I even know some of them in person - and they get to keep their beloved equine friends while mine was taken away from me after only 5 short years together. There is something about some time and some distance that helps you to realize that nothing happens for no reason - everything has a purpose - and you will grow and learn from it all - even if you can't see that when you're standing in the epicenter of what you think is the worst disaster or pain you've ever felt.

With that said, Irene is just blowing into town for us this evening (she's mostly just a blustery evening so far) - I hope everyone's ponies are healthy, happy, and safe. Give 'em a big hug from Canada.