October 21st, 2011 - "Invasion of the Drafties" trail ride

Okay, so maybe it wasn't called that but it sure felt like it!

A few years back, a group of us with an interest in draft and draft crosses as saddle horses got together in a Tim Hortons and connected - though most of us have been too busy to run an official club or organization, we have been getting together for trail rides when time allows it and this was another "unofficial" event. Though the majority of the horses (8 of 11) were drafts or draft crosses, we also had a few "normal sized" horses and a "fun sized" (pony) equine with us.

I love taking Bronwyn out on group trails. She loves to head out into the woods and I love to be with other riders - so it works for both of us. Though she can be a little more "up" in the arena, she is very laid back on the trail - as I tell people, I usually kick my feet out of the stirrups, ride on the buckle, and enjoy the ride.

This ride included an element that she hasn't been exposed to yet, either -- cows! As most of you remember, we missed out on the cattle penning clinic we hoped to go to because she needed her adjustment. I was disappointed but so thankful that I have my old girl back, even better, since the adjustment and massage! Anywho, the beginning of this ride involved a short jaunt through a pasture of adult beef cows. She looked at them like they were going to eat her. As long as they weren't moving in any direction that looked like it would be aimed at her, she was fine. But she was definitely on the alert!

You should be able to click on all of the below pictures for a larger version!

This photo was taken by my friend, Leah Grandy. Bronwyn looks like a pony because Leah was atop a purebred Clydesdale!

The other 6 drafties were all purebred Clydesdales. A group of girls is working on a drill team with them - and many of them hadn't been under saddle long. I have to say they did a fantastic job! We also had two saddle horses, a standardbred and the pony. We were out for about two hours and really enjoyed the fall scenery - the weather was absolutely gorgeous and the trail involved lots of puddles, much to the joy of some of the horses (the standardbred stopped at every opportunity and splashed her rider with glee!).

Just missing one saddle horse in this picture - just before we came home, the rider stopped to visit with a neighbour.

Bringing up the rear - everyone in this shot except for Jenny, the girl on the standardbred, Anna, who I rode the back and chatted with for most of the ride.

Gorgeous, clear trails! No bushwhacking for us - not like when I ride in the woods at the farm!

Probably my favourite picture out of all of them - the shadows of all of our ponies going up the road on the way home. I can only imagine how awesome the sight of, essentially, the Budweiser Clydesdale commercial coming up the road must have been for people seeing us go by1

Bronwyn never batted an eyelid at the traffic either.

We also did meet a truck on the trail that stopped, pulled over, and even turned off his engine to allow us to pass! I thought that was super classy and tipped my helmet to them as we passed by. :) I wish that every driver was as polite and considerate of horses!

Mailbag: Some Commonly Asked Questions

I've decided to do a new feature from time to time - I have a lot of really good conversations with many of my readers via Facebook messages or my email, and sometimes the same sorts of questions come up frequently. I thought that the best way to address these, with the permission of the writer, is to start a "Mailbag" feature and share some of our conversations and discussions with the rest of my readership. 

I am not an expert in ANY field, but I don't mind sharing my observations and opinions. If you have any comments or further questions, feel free to post in the comments! :)

Amber wrote:

Hi! I have just discovered your vlog and webpage. I am from Mississippi, and I, too, am overweight. I love horses and have always dreamed of doing barrel racing. On August 14, I had a weightloss surgery. I wanted to see if I could ask you some questions. I am a beginner rider. I owned horses as a young girl, and loved to ride. After being thrown off, I wasn't brave enough to ride anymore. Now, here I am losing weight, and I am wanting to RIDE! I cant get it out of my head that I am too big for the horse.  My starting weight was 337. I am now 290, Praise the Lord. At what size do you think is good to get on a horse? Also I noticed your hose is kind of stock and well built. What type of horse and size do you suggest for an overweight beginner??? Thanks so much Amber

 First of all, congratulations on your loss. :)

As for your questions - it is pretty common for people to ask me for absolutes - what weight, what height, what breed is appropriate for a plus-sized rider. The problem is that there are many more factors than the number on the scale or the weight of the horse.

First of all, I always recommend having another set of eyes with you - even if you are quite experienced - to look at whatever horse you are viewing or trying out and give you an objective opinion. Especially when you have been out of the saddle for a while, sometimes emotion can overcome reason (this is how I ended up with a feral three year old draft cross mare when I finally went looking for a horse to ride after being out of the saddle for a year, instead of the quiet, solid, older stock horse gelding I was looking for!), and you might end up with something less appropriate.

We had someone viewing horses at our place and they insisted because they were a stockier person, they required a horse 'at least 16hh'. There was then a comment about how short Bronwyn's back is (in a negative way). The truth is that 16hh is a long way to fall! It is true that often a taller horse weighs more so they work out better for whichever arbitrary rider weight vs horse weight equation that you may choose to use, but often a taller horse is a longer horse, which often equates to a longer back which is not as good for carrying weight.

My big picks are horses that, conformationally, are compact and short backed, with good bone, good feet, and a short loin coupling (you can read a little more about length of back here). I find that this sort of horse is often found in stock horses (non specialized breeding, usually) or draft crosses, but not always.

A lot of people want to choose full drafts for plus sized riders - depending on the breeding, they can also be some of the most docile, good natured horses to deal with - largely based on their height and weight. Sometimes a full draft is not a good choice, because in my personal experience, some of the hitch bred horses can have quite long backs. They are, afterall, generally bred to pull weight, not carry it.

As for what weight to get on a horse - it largely depends on the horse - and the rider. I think the most important thing, for your own safety, is that you have been doing some sort of exercise prior. I am not talking about running marathons or swimming the English channel, but I do feel that a minimum level of physical activity, even if it is just walking for 30 minutes every other day, is one of the best ways to start off. Apart from the fact that moving your body is good for you in the first place, your muscles are going to have an idea of what is going on and anything that you will be doing will likely be engaging some of the primary muscles that you will need for riding (core, legs, etc).

I strongly recommend you find a coach who will work with you, understand the potential limitations of your weight and fitness level, and has an appropriate horse to start. When I started back to lessons, even though I had been running and doing other physical activity, it was a couple of months before I got a chance to canter. Still, the majority of my work is done at the walk and trot both in lessons and on Bronwyn as I continue to condition her (and myself!). I really don't have the level of fitness yet to ride for hours, hold two-point and post without stirrups, but I am working on it. I think it is really important to realize that you need to walk before you can run - literally.

Bronwyn is a draft cross - I have no idea what her breeding is. She is 7 years old and about 15hh tall. Some of my favourite features of her conformation are her short back, her heavy bone and sound feet and her general compactness. I have had some feedback that she has nice angles for a potential dressage horse, but unfortunately, I noticed none of that when I first viewed her, and four hours later brought her home - emotion overrode logic. I was lucky I ended up with the gem that I did!

The most recent side photo that I have of her from much earlier this summer before she began to acquire any muscle at all!

Broken Pony is broken no more!

I don't know if I have really expressed the magnitude of the problems we have been having over the last month or so - between the ill-fitting saddle, and on to the severe behavioural issues that we began to experience following it.

Even after the saddle fit issue was resolved, Bronwyn would still work for about 20 minutes and then begin being outright "naughty" when I asked for a little more - put leg on and asked her to extend. She would crank her head up and to the side, and stop up instead of moving forward. I tried various saddles, bridles, bits and girths and then put my shingle out looking for a chiro or massage therapist to come and take a look at her because something was clearly wrong. Though Bronwyn has spent much of her life being silly or scared of things, never once has she been naughty - and her work ethic has been pretty awesome all summer. The big difference, though, is that her body has changed quite significantly - in shape and in fitness.

I got replies from several people suggesting Christa - and was pleased to find that she had been to my barn recently to work on a horse that was dealing with lameness issues and that this mare had gotten much better after a session.

Fortunately, she was able to come out quite quickly for me. Bronwyn was really quite at ease with her, I think largely due to the fact that she is constantly talking to her during the session, which is what I do with just about every horse. (As a side note, I was largely ridiculed for this when I worked with race horses "back in the day", but I had the quietest horses in the barn, who, when they went to another groom who wasn't as verbose as I tend to be, suddenly were uptight and nervous around their handlers. Imagine!)

She immediately could see that her neck and her pelvis needed adjustments, and then proceeded to spend about an hour working on her muscles - I could see a visible change in the shape of some parts of her body right away!

I have to say that I felt bad at the beginning when she found the initial problems. I think every plus sized rider wonders if their weight could be affecting their horse, even if they adhere to the "20% rule" or any of the other governing guidelines for determining if you are too heavy for your horse, and that was what I initially was concerned with. Without asking the specific question of if I had caused it, Christa reminded me that these sorts of things could happen in any way - rolling over a rock, etc - and I know someone who adjusts her horse post birthing, etc. 

I have to admit to being a little bit nervous when she adjusted her pelvis and neck. Even for humans, the idea of manipulating the bones and the spine kind of terrifies me, but as Christa has a pretty impressive resume, I trusted her while she adjusted the pelvis (not TOO bad) and the neck (admittedly, much scarier). And two days later, when I was advised to go out and ride her again... I had a different horse.

Overall, I think Bronwyn was thrilled with her new friend!

Bronwyn earned the nickname "Ploddius" over the summer, due to her short, heavy strides. Let's just say she is Ploddius no more! It was quite interesting to feel the difference in the ride - she carried herself lightly - I have never realized that she wasn't moving that lightly, because she probably never has! Overall, it was worth every penny.

Full Disclosure

Hi!

I'm Amanda. I am 27 years old and I have been what most would call "fat" (with a varying tone of disdain depending on who you are, I guess) for just about my whole life. I was born 10lbs 11oz, and at my highest, I weighed 325lbs. I have enjoyed horses my entire life.

My job makes me deskbound (I am tied to a phone, quite literally), but just about every day, without fail, I walk my dog for a minimum of 2 kilometers (sometimes 4 or 6), I ride my bike at a speed of roughly 10 miles/hr over about 4 miles (with hills and flats), and two or three times a week, ride a baroque-style horse for 40-90 minutes (and work up a sweat). At 260lbs, I ran a 5K race and finished in about 43 minutes.


I eat when I am hungry (surprise), and sometimes when I am bored. Rarely when I am sad. Most days, I eat a salad for lunch (and I'm not talking about a McDonald's salad with breaded chicken and cheese, although I do, sometimes (gasp!) eat McDonalds when I am hungry). I really enjoy ice cream, frozen yogurt and baked goods, though the first and last in that list, I try not to purchase very often, because then I will eat it!

Right now, my body seems to have settled right around the 250 mark. I wear a 1XL shirt and size 18-20 jeans, depending on the cut.
My horse is a 7 year old draft cross of some variety that I have ridden in varying stages of weight (her and myself!). She might be 15hh if she is a day, and almost as wide as she is tall. I have no idea how much she weighs. I ride in a size 36 or 40 breech, but would probably be more comfortable in a 38 (I just haven't bitten the bullet to buy a pair yet!), and depending on the saddle, an 18-19" seat. I am not an expert rider, by any stretch of the imagination.

She has never taken a lame step in her life (*knock on wood*!). We have recently begun to see a chiro/massage therapist. We run the gamut on saddles as her body seems to be constantly changing. I have no idea what her life was like - physically - before she came to me - all I know is that she foaled somewhere, lost the foal, and was physically emaciated. She is a dominant mare in the pasture and likes to put chase to the other horses when she can.

When I was in grade school, I once sat on a porch swing that was jimmy rigged with twine on one end at a child's birthday party. It broke on the end I sat on, of course, and the children teased me mercilessly about my weight afterwards. Nevermind that there were five children on the swing... I cried on my own after I left the birthday party.

In 2005, I went to London, England - probably weighing roughly 275-290lbs (can't remember for sure!) and my girlfriend and I were out on the town for the evening. As we walked by a man standing on a stairway smoking, he said "hey biggie" under his breath and touched my bare arm with the cherry of his cigarette. Even my traveling partner did not know about this.

A few years ago, I put the first ride on my mother's then-six year old stallion. I was very proud of myself, and him. He was 15.2hh and a solid, well built guy (if anyone is familiar, he is an own son of RH Mr Imprint), and went blind in one eye as an adult horse. I posted the pictures from the first ride and was told that I was overloading him. I allowed myself to believe, even if for a brief time, that I was too heavy to ride any horse, not just this one. I almost made up my mind not to ride any horse, at all, anymore.

I have never - no, not once, been inspired to lose weight or learned something new by someone saying to me that I was fat (with the level of disdain you would imagine), or that I should "eat less, move more", or the favourite - "it's simple - consume less calories than you burn". Though I have lost approximately 75lbs over the course of the last several years, it has never been that simple. Never. And I have never "sat on the couch stuffing my face with Doritos and ice cream". Never.

I have never assumed that someone was naturally skinny because they are anorexic, because they had an unhealthy addiction to exercise, or hated food. I dislike using the terminology "skinny" rider - but have on occasion referenced "average sized" riders. I would never imagine calling someone skinny - to their face, or in their absence, on the internet or in person anything derogatory relating to their physical appearance, whether they were being cruel or not -- though I may have a few choice words about their personality!

I have also never considered myself to be superior to someone who weighed less merely based on the number on the scale. In fact, let me just state, that in the last couple of years, I have not considered myself, either, to be an inferior being to someone who weighed less.

My body is my body, in whatever state that it is, and my fundamental value as a human being is not tied to the number that appears on the scales when I step on them, that is printed on the back of my pants, or stamped under the flap of my saddle. It's the same with your body, believe it or not.

I use this blog to catalogue my adventures and progress with Bronwyn, and encourage others to live their lives at whatever stage they are at. I encourage other plus sized people to ride horses that are suitable for them, for periods of time that both the horse and rider can physically handle.

There. Now maybe you can look at a picture of me riding, a snapshot in time, and judge what is going on.

I want to thank all of you for reading the blog. I want you all to know that you are not any less human for carrying a few (or several, or too many - however you want to describe it!) extra pounds, and do not allow any other person, real or "internet persona" to make you believe otherwise. I want you to be healthy, and strong, and I don't want you to stop living your life because someone makes you feel bad about it.

Love,
B & Me

Saddle frustrations... again!

My goodness, I can't believe September is nearly over!

This is my favourite time of the year, that is absolutely certain. Not only is it my "birthday month" but I love when the evenings get cool and fresh and blow out the stale air from the day. You actually feel a little bit more human - we have been plagued by a ridiculous amount of humidity this summer, so the cooler evenings are definitely a welcome reprieve.

I have known this blog entry was coming for a few weeks now, and it makes me pretty sad.

Anybody who has been reading along knows that I struggled quite a while to find the right saddle for Bronwyn and I. She has shoulders like hams and a very broad back and try as I might to get the "cheap-and-LOOKS-wide-or-is-stamped-wide" saddles I could find locally to fit her, I ended up deposited on my head more than once from slipping saddles. Finally, a blog reader pointed me in the direction of Duett saddles and I acquired my 19" 38cm Companion Trail on eBay.

At the time, it was a good fit for her as she was quite overweight and had been out of work. I continued to ride her once a week or once every two weeks (or sometimes less often than that) and never had a problem. Her gait opened up, she was very clearly a happier horse.

Since I moved her to the boarding barn in June, she has lost some weight from the work and gained some muscle and about a month and a half ago, I noticed some dry spots under the saddlepad, on her shoulders. Right away, I ordered a half pad with gel inserts to try and fandangle a quick fix until I could afford to get a new saddle.

Unfortunately, it became apparent in two rides that the half pad isn't going to do the trick and might have, in fact, been exacerbating the problem. (Insert giant sadface here!) I noticed that when I put leg on to ask for an extension about 20 minutes into the ride, she made nasty faces, bumped up and slowed up almost to a stop. She was trying to even rear a little the last ride.

This horse endured MANY saddles that didn't fit so great without so much as saying boo - she has never, in her life, EVER, been naughty under saddle. Scared and a little flighty? Yes, maybe - but never needed a spank, and forward motion has never been an issue either. This was her telling me, in no uncertain terms, that something is very wrong with the saddle/half pad combination, and later, the same thing with no half pad. After getting a set of eyes on the ground, we determined that the saddle is now so wide that there are parts of it sitting on her withers that should never come in contact with her withers. So I sold the saddle - it was entirely nonfunctional for us at this point, so no use in keeping it around.

I picked up a Wintec Wide on Tack Trader that I am still waiting for (should be here next week!) and for now, we are riding this way:

We both enjoy this kind of riding (yes, that's my leadrope tied to her halter!), but she also likes to work, so we are both looking forward to the saddle coming. We are currently working on trotting bareback, which is going swimmingly. :)

I really love Duett saddles, and as far as I am aware, they are one of the only brands that is designed on a hoop tree for horses with shoulders like hams (AND design with seats up to 20"), so I want to stick with a Duett and have put my mind to purchasing my first ever brand-new saddle - so I contacted Nancy from Duett and we are going to work together to figure out what she needs and go from there!

Product Review: Fuller Fillies Show Boot

What's not to love about a pink box?!

  These boots were after my heart from the moment I found out that they come up to a size 12 US foot. When they showed up in a great pink box, it was even better!

I have to admit that when I first began to ride English, the thought of the cost of tall boots just about made me run for the hills. I have a size 12 US ladies foot and calves that measure in around 19" apiece. I had visions of $600+ to have a custom calf put on a men's boot - and quite frankly, I probably wouldn't have bothered for that price.

At this time, the best place, even if you live in North America, to get the Fuller Fillies Show Boot is from Tackanory - and even with the current exchange, they work out to less than $250 Canadian.

Measuring:

Following standard boot-measuring procedure, I sat with my legs at a 90 degree angle and measured around the widest part of my calf, and down the back of my calf from the bend in my knee to the floor. I measured 18.5" & 19" around my calves and 17" from knee to floor - based on those measurements, I chose to order a pair of size 12 XW in a standard height. When I ordered, Suzanne from Fuller Fillies made a comment about my unnaturally large feet which I have chosen to take as a compliment - the good thing is that I did not have to wait for my boots - they were in stock because they were an uncommon size.

I want to make a note about measuring your legs -- I have a fairly large thigh and I truly believe that I should have measured longer and gotten a taller boot. This was no error of Suz's, but entirely mine in how I measured my leg. I believe that sitting with my legs at a 90 degree angle, my thigh interfered with my ability to measure to the very crook of my knee as I measured straight up the back of my calf. As a result, MY boots, while they are still functional and will be fine for what I intend to use them for (local level open showing), may not be appropriate for higher levels of competition.

"When You Get Them"
 
When they were in the mail, Suzanne sent me the following:

When you get them:

Get someone to help you zip them up the first few times whilst you stand up. Ascertain the length is correct and the top doesn't go to far beyond the crease in your knee.

If they are a little long they will drop HOWEVER; you should not ride in them until they do as bending your knee whilst the bend is not clear of the top will result in a sprained zip-pull…

Unless they zip up comfortably please wear them for a few times to get the leather to stretch; the Renapur will help this and should be used once you are happy with them to keep the leather fed.

... things I never would have known on my own, having never owned a pair of tall boots, and wanted to share with all of you. It never occured to me that even if they wouldn't zip up on their own, they might do if someone who had two hands available and was not twisting around like a contortionist may be able to zip them up for me.

I held my breath and closed my eyes when my mother first zipped me into them with no socks or anything underneath. I will admit that at that time, they were snug enough that I worried about my ability to wear socks under them, nevermind breeches and socks. Several times over the next couple of days, I had someone zip me into them and wore them around - though you often hear about the zipper being the first thing to go and my wincing every time I went down a step, worried they would bust at any minute, the zipper - which appears to be industrial strength but doesn't look like a giant, ugly industrial strength type of zipper - held fast.

Admittedly, while I probably could have been zipping myself into them, I still had my boyfriend zip me into them before I went to the barn for a couple of weeks after I got them. I was probably being overcautious.

Features:

These boots feature a great elasticized leather panel in the back along either side of the zipper. This gives them the ability to stretch and move with you, without limiting you, provided that you haven't put too much calf in too little boot in the first place. It helps to maintain a nice, sleek, clean look when you wear them.

I also find that they are nicely tapered in the ankle area - for me, who doesn't seem to carry much weight on my ankle, this is nice - again, with the clean look - the advantage is the panel in the back which means that even though they taper at the ankle quite a bit, if your ankles are thicker than mine, you still can fit into the boots.

They have a zipper keeper in the elastic snap across the back of your calf - not that I have ever had a problem with my zippers falling down - but that little added sense of security.

Appearance:

One major appearance point that I really love about these boots are the spanish style tops. For someone with a blocky calf like mine, it has a lengthening, slimming effect - and would be even more so if my boots were tall enough. They are made of full grain leather which shines up nicely with just a swipe of a lightly dampened cloth - and they look like a million bucks with a recent coating of the Renapur Leather Balsam that came with them!

Longevity:

As of the publishing date of this review, I have had the boots for two months. I have been wearing them 2-3 times per week for as long as 4 hours at a time. Although I wanted to "save them for nice", my boyfriend reminded me that in the interest of a fair review, I should really test the boots... so I did. I have worn them slogging through mud to catch horses, doing ground work, riding (more than one horse in a session!) - in a dressage saddle, in an AP saddle, bareback - mucking, cleaning out hooves, oiling hooves, crouching down to brush out feathers, using the wash rack (YES, I have gotten them wet!), and driving the car. I have left them uncleaned, completely, though maybe twice in this period, when they have gotten damp in the washrack, I wiped them off a bit with a cloth, but not with any real intent to clean them.

Tonight, I decided to take a picture of what they look like "used" - I then spent less than 5 minutes wiping them down with a damp cloth and applied a go of leather balsam (only the second time I have done it since I got them!) to them.

Don't judge us for our bottles - we don't drink a lot, we just don't go to the bottle recycling depot often enough!

I just can't get over how AWESOME they look after I basically used and abused them!

Another thing that I can't get over is how comfortable they are. My feet and joints tend to get very sore after being on them for 3-4 hours but I had virtually no muscle fatigue or sore soles even after wearing the boots all of that time, and riding in them. Now that they are well fitted to my legs, I feel like I could wear them all day long at a show with ease and not think twice about it!

 

 Overall, I give the boots a rave review! I think for the money, they are fantastic.. and affordable enough that I am seriously considering keeping a pair for show and a pair for barn wear -- though as evidenced above, you wouldn't even need to do that since they clean up so nicely and with so little effort!

 ---

And to end - a rare snapshot of one of my favorite creatures Boyfriendus Groomus! He makes rare appearances but Bronwyn loves him and sees him as the bearer of treats, scratches and chauffeur for her rider! (Yes, we have talked about flipflops in the barn - he tells me I have to buy him a pair of cowboy boots and problem solved!)

NHR: 33 Things to Accept and Embrace

I am working on a few other entries at the moment and working on getting those loose ends tied up but a colleague at work passed this on to me this morning and I thought it was too good not to share. It's not horse related, but on the note of bettering oneself all the time, I thought it could be as useful to someone else as it is to me.

From Tiny Buddha:

1. Beauty cannot be defined. Beauty is a reflection of what we deem valuable. For me, it’s an inner radiance and bliss that transcends judgment and fear, or at least makes an effort to.


2. Perfection cannot be obtained (and it’s boring anyways). Trying to be perfect makes us feel inferior and desperate to change; owning our uniqueness makes us feel worthy and excited to evolve.

3. Love will be messy at times. Sometimes love looks nothing like the ideal. Unless you’re in an unhealthy relationship, lean into the messiness. That’s where the intimacy is.

4. Other people will judge. Doing our best and accepting that people will form opinions is far more empowering than stressing about what everyone else thinks.

5. Sometimes there is no right or wrong. There isn’t always a right decision or answer. It’s just about what feels right to us right now, and whether we have the courage to honor it.

6. No one else knows what’s right for us. Someone else may seem certain they know what we should do. Should can be deceiving; it seduces us with the promise of an ideal destination when what we really need is to choose for ourselves and then pave our path as we go.

7. Tomorrow is uncertain. Despite all our planning, plotting, worrying, or dreading, what will be will be—and no matter how scared we feel right now, we can and will make the most of it.

8. There are things we don’t know. And there are things we don’t know that we don’t know. It might be humbling to revise our understandings of things, but this is how we grow.

9. No other person can make us feel whole. Sometimes we’ll feel a void and turn to other people to fill it. Mutually fulfilling relationships involve two whole people who complement, not complete each other.

10. We can’t change other people. We have to want to change in order to do it. No matter how much we wish someone would act differently, it has to be his or her choice.

11. There are some things we can’t change about ourselves. Change sells, and it’s seductive, but certain things cannot be changed—like parts of our body or nature.

12. Sometimes there are gifts in the things we want to change. For years I cursed my heightened emotions; now I channel them into something positive. Don’t run from yourself; grow into yourself.

13. We are worthy, just as we are. Growth is a lifelong proposition, with no static endpoint. We do it not because we lack value, just as we are, but because we value ourselves.

14. We are going to age. With every year that passes, we have 365 days to enjoy that age—and no one age is better than another. Each is different, with its own challenges and gifts.

15. We are more than any one role. We aren’t one-dimensional, and we don’t have to be. Recognizing this has been huge for me. I am a self-help writer who also likes Judd Apatow movies, karaoke bars, and eBay. I’m multifaceted and owning it!

16. We are going to redefine ourselves. It’s tempting to cling to roles and ideas of who we are, but who we are is always evolving. Life’s far more fulfilling if we see changes as adventures.

17. We will occasionally have to do things we don’t want to do. We won’t always love the things we need to do, for work or the people we care about, but we can find something enjoyable in it, if that’s our intention.

18. We will hurt at times. Pain is inevitable. It’s not a sign that something’s wrong with us or our lives; it’s a sign that we’re human, and we have the courage to care and live fully.

19. We will mess up at times. We will make mistakes—and sometimes the same ones over and over again. This is a big part of how we learn. The important thing is that we do.

20. People won’t always forgive us. We can’t make someone stay in our lives; we can only make amends and then be strong enough to accept the consequences of our actions.

21. Peace is forgiving ourselves. We don’t deserve to cower in shame—and it won’t do us any good. If we want to be happy, we need to cut ourselves some slack and believe we’re doing the best we can.

22. We won’t always like the consequences of our actions. Sometimes we’ll feel regret, wishing we could go back and do things differently. We can’t—but we can make different choices going forward.

23. We always have a choice in how we respond to what happens. No matter what our circumstances, we can choose what we do with them. We can decide it’s the end of the world, or start fresh from right where we stand.

24. We are never alone. It might feel like it, but there is always someone to offer love, kindness, and support. We just need to be willing to reach out and ask for what we need.

25. We will lose things and people we love—but we can gain something from every loss. Everything in life is impermanent—and no amount of time will feel like enough with the people we love. Loss hurts, be we can heal if we believe it’s possible.

26. Everything is cyclical. For every pain, there will be pleasure. Nothing stays the same, so relax through the tough times and fully enjoy the fun times. Everything transforms eventually.

27. There are some things we may never understand. Much of life is a mystery, and it’s human nature to try to solve it. Peace is learning to embrace the open-ended questions.

28. The worst that could possibly happen may happen. Sometimes the thing we fear the most may happen, making us wish we didn’t make a change, or an effort, or a fuss.

29. The worst that could possibly happen might not be that bad. If we’re willing to consider the possibility, we may find opportunity in that “horrible” thing. At the very least, we may recognize we’re okay—still here, still strong, still breathing.

30. We may not get everything we think we want. Despite all our best-laid plans, things won’t always turn out as we hoped they would.

31. As the Rolling Stones sang, we can still get what we need. We may not get the job, the house, the call, or whatever we wanted so badly, and yet find we have everything that matters. Hopefully we can see and celebrate it.

32. We might always want more. It’s human nature to wonder what else there is, at least at times. We can use this to fuel progress, instead of cursing our nature and ourselves for not being perfectly spiritual.

33. What we do matters. It might not seem like it when our efforts and outcomes seem small, but we create tiny miracles everyday, both by doing what we do and being who we are. We all make a difference.

Over the last few days, I have been reflecting on the person that I used to be and the growth that I have experienced, particularly in the years since I lost Angel (6 years ago this past Sunday, 8/26). One thing I can say with certainty is that I am not the person that I once was, and I had to go through the pain and struggle and grief to be able to become that person.