Bring it on, 2014!

It has been a couple of years since I have gone into a new year with any clear vision for the 365 days to follow. So often, the holiday season depletes me to the point that all I can think about is being able to clear my head after it's all over and done with and get some rest.

This year has been no exception. Some of you may know I work an additional physically demanding waitressing job during the holiday season and my primary job can be influenced by poor weather affecting my company's infrastructure, so with back to back weekly storms for the last few weeks, it goes without saying that I have been both physically and emotionally drained for weeks now.

We have just one more holiday celebration tomorrow with G's mother's part of the family, which is traditionally always on New Year's Day (a bit of a relief considering how many different places we have to divide our time between during the holiday!), we are wrapping things up for another year.

Unlike previous years, however, I feel a renewed sense of motivation for productivity, goodness and self development. I started drafting a list of wishes and resolutions for 2014 in my paper journal a couple of days ago when I found myself with a few free moments and a glass of wine. So, here I share with you the stream of consciousness that is my desire for the new year. Please share yours in the comments below!

- Spend more time reading and writing. These are things that I love to do and rarely have a problem doing once I actually make myself sit down to do it. Finding myself unbothered by other, more "present" distractions can be difficult. The plan is to enforce a 1 hour daily, timed if necessary, alternating timespace in my day for reading or writing. Doesn't matter if it's good, just matters that I am doing it. Eventually, it will be habit and a cherished part of my day, though I am sure it will begin feeling painful and forced.

 -  Publish (e-publish, possibly) at least one piece of fictional writing in 2014 and build my portfolio as both a blogger and writer of fiction. I have made some connections to begin to explore my options - might as well make that hour a day writing count for something, right? I would also like to get into my options as far as guest blogging and possibly cultivate a non-horse related blog for my other body positivity/feminist ramblings and rants.

- Write at least 4 blog entries per month (preferably weekly!) and integrate at least 1 guest blog or review entry per month. Here is where all of you can be helpful in keeping me accountable. Shout at me on the fanpage if necessary. And if you are interested in guestblogging or writing a review, please see this page.

- Get the Etsy shop for my bling saddle pads - Sweet Angel Custom Bling Saddlepads and spend some time promoting and working at this. This is something I really enjoy doing and again, it falls into lack of productivity. During any time but the holiday, my work schedule allows for me to work on other things in my own time, and this is something I want to pursue more.

- Go swimming once per week. Everybody says "lose weight" every year and I was really tempted this year. I have put on a little bit of weight through bad eating habits in the last month or two but when I really got down to it, it is not about losing weight and being "skinnier". I have come to terms with my body in any state that it is in, I truly have, but I have not been feeling good or energetic. Once I get moving, I feel like continuing. I got a new waterproof MP3 player for Christmas from G, for the purpose of my lap swimming - so this is something I am going to make time for once per week, and hopefully it will lend itself to other things.

- Attempt to do at least 2 "social" things per month outside of the things I do with G. This one is as much for him as it is for me. He insists I should be out doing more social activity. So this will be a movie or a coffee or a trail ride with a girlfriend or a group of friends at least twice per month. (There, are you happy? Haha, just kidding!)

- Get out of our apartment by the end of 2014. This is one both G and I set together. I want this to mean a house with a property for the horses to be with us. All I know is we are outgrowing our apartment with the sheer volume of our "stuff", soooo...

But Amanda, you don't have any horse related goals.

BUT I DO!

- Ride Rex. I have talked about this OVER AND OVER AND OVER. A few months ago, I started a small savings fund and have been putting away a little bit at a time. I already have enough for a month of training on him in the spring. My parents have me nearly convinced to ride him myself and a strong motivator for that is that I could then, instead, use the money to take him and Bronwyn out to trail rides, clinics, and other fun stuff. I am fully capable and able to ride him myself, I just have to DO IT.

Rex's whole story is truly about false starts. Every year since he was two or three, I've gone through the motions that he was going to be ridden. All the ground work, lunging with a saddle, bridling him - I have even been on him a couple of times. But I keep making excuses. For him, this is old hat, for me this is some kind of mental block, I truly believe. I am going to punch a hole right in that wall this year. Particularly because if I don't, it will block the next wish/resolution.

- Clinic Bronwyn. This might be a cattle penning clinic. You never know.

- Canter Bronwyn. Yes, we've cantered before. This is more about getting the pair of us to the fitness level necessary to canter in a balanced and collected way.

- Spend more time with the ponies. Also, this little girl: 

Obviously not a recent picture.

Expect to see more Lola in 2014. Sweet thang.

Overall, I want 2014 to be a year of moving and shaking. Focusing on the things that I love to do. Allowing myself to be myself. Embracing everything that comes my way. Understanding that I cannot always be in control, and to trust others when that happens. Giving more value to my time. Taking care of myself. Pursuing my goals.

I'm going to be honest and say I've had a couple of theme songs leading me into this mindframe, I think. Don't laugh, now.

Aaand then... for the purpose of ringing in the new year, I bring you this!

AFG&AFH Is 4 Years Old Today!

It is hard not to feel blessed out the wazoo today.

On top of being it being the Thanksgiving celebrations (I was definitely craving turkey yesterday!) for our US friends, yesterday, I celebrated my 3 year anniversary with G. I have talked about him a few times through the blog but I don't know if I've ever communicated just how awesome he is, how much he "gets" me, and how supportive he is (even though he is not even an inkling a "horse person"). And then today, four years ago today, I wrote my very first blog entry: The Beginning Is A Good Place To Begin. Since then, there have been over 200 blog entries written, over 2300 fans on Facebook and almost a quarter of a million independent views.

I had no inkling then what this blog would become, and I can't honestly say if I knew then how it would come about if I would have done anything differently. I have had my lows and my highs and my readership has been through them all with me. I have grown so significantly as a person - both as a direct result of the friendships I have made and stories I have heard through the readership and through the research and reading I have done online about body positivity and acceptance - things I didn't even know really existed when I started the blog. Yes, I have even grown through the (relatively small amount of) negative feedback that I have gotten.

When I started writing, I did know a few things -

1) I was a fat girl riding a horse
2) the online equestrian community (at least at that time and what I had been exposed to) was largely not in favour of fat girls riding horses
3) I was not the only fat girl riding horses
4) I wanted to write about it because people didn't talk about it and I wanted others to know they weren't alone
5) the response was either going to not exist or be terrible.

I could not have anticipated the way that people would respond to the blog, and pretty much every single day, I feel like I am not worthy or qualified to have your ear. I regularly get emails and messages asking for advice and support, and sometimes am so overwhelmed that I can't reply to all of them, and the ones I do reply to, I feel like I am not an expert on any topic (I'm really not) and would be better off directing people to other venues to get their information (for the record, when I can divert someone to someone more qualified, I do, but how do you qualify someone's expertise on existing as a fat person in a world dominated by a different body shape?). I have had opportunities to learn how to be kinder, how to be tougher, and more professional. I have, from my online family community on the forum, learned many things about how to deal in day to day not-horse-related life. I've gotten riding tips, and horse management tips and enjoyed spreading the word in person as frequently as I could.

I changed from someone who secretly wanted to be different than the "fat girl" to someone who loved herself completely in whichever state that I was in, and who, in turn, could then love someone else completely. And I don't think that I could have done that without writing this blog - so as much as it was FOR all of you, and as much as it IS for all of you, it has also been for me. It has been for the girl who always used to qualify her very existence by tagging on "but I'm losing weight", and the girl who would tell people "we are all works in progress", but in her mind knew that was about losing weight, not about developing personally, the girl who pined after the things she wanted but never went out and got them because she didn't think she deserved them. This blog has been for the girl who was shy to go out in public, who worried what other people would think about her, who thought she could stay that girl forever - the one who thought if she lost weight, her life would magically be better and she would be happier - the one who put off things "until the right time" but really meant "until I lose the weight".

It has also been for the new girl that has emerged over the last four years - the one who no longer feels the need to qualify her existence for anyone, who can truly and genuinely say that she is happy, who understands motivation and seizing the day and not being afraid to speak her mind, the one who (kind of, secretly) enjoys the look on someone's face when she suggests that maybe not every body is meant to fit into the same silhouette and that maybe there is more to life than being thin or losing weight. It's for that girl who can be called names like "fat cow" and "buttered pig" and lift her head high because she knows her truth, and that those words and opinions speak volumes about the other person and absolutely not a thing about her.

I hope that the last four years has done something like this for you, too.

Why You Will Never See Me Post About Real Women Having Curves

Listen up, ladies... - and men, too - because this might be important for you to read as well!

This might not be popular. And I might be crossing the line into a bit of "feminism" here, too.

I try to repost as many relevant things as I can on the Facebook page, but I can't post internet memes about "real women" having specific body parts. You've seen them... they are usually colourful and feature some womanly icon who isn't a size 0 and they say things like "Nobody wants a steak that is all bone so why would a man want a woman without a little meat?" and "REAL women have curves", and a variety of other things that speak about your validity and desirability as a woman based on your physical attributes.

Here is the thing - real women are fat and skinny, tall and short, have hair on their face and smooth, hairless bodies. They come in every shape and size, nationality and personality. Even though we, as fat women, have been told by society (and sometimes even the people in our lives that are supposed to love and care about us) that skinny women are better than us - more desirable to men, more successful and more attractive - indeed, more "womanly" than us, the answer is not to try to juxtapose ourselves as better women than anyone.

I do not want to be more woman than anyone. I just want to be a woman, recognized and appreciated as such, whether I weigh 100lbs or 400lbs. The amount of fat and weight that I carry on my body has absolutely nothing to do with the gender with which I identify. I do not want to marginalize or ostracize other groups of women in order to make myself feel better.

Don't get me wrong... it is understandable to want to do so. I know why it is easy to do this. For your whole life, likely, people have seen fit to comment on the state of your body without your permission like you are not even a human being let alone a powerful, wonderful woman. I've mentioned before that I was once looking at a sales rack in a clothing store when an elderly man approached me to remind me that I couldn't fit into any of those clothes and shouldn't bother looking. Yes, these sorts of things made me angry. They made me want to hurt someone the way that I was hurt.

But let's think about it this way - you know you have that friend on your Facebook page that once in a while posts something derogatory - probably one of those "some ecards" internet memes that make some sort of commentary about a fat person in Walmart, or whatnot. You know they didn't mean it for you because, well, obviously they are your friend... but a part of you feels badly and it stinks because you feel like you don't have a right to say anything because it wasn't directed at you. When you start posting the comments about "what man wants a bone?", you are certainly making someone else feel the same way you feel when you see derogatory comments about fat people - and if you're a half decent person - why would you want to make someone else feel that way?

People, and specifically women, are sometimes fat or skinny despite their best efforts, because of genetics or medical conditions or sometimes because they just want to be. You don't know the passage of their life, you don't know how or why they are where they are or look the way that they do, and assigning "bad" to skinny is no better than them assigning "bad" to fat.

And that is why I don't allow any "better than" talk on my Facebook page. Because we don't have to be better than to be good, wonderful, authentic, marvelous women. We are all enough just exactly the way that we are.

Do One Thing Every Day That Scares You

I bet most of you don't know that I get very anxious going into new social situations. That might be surprising for some of you - some of you might not find it that surprising. I, myself, was a little surprised when it started to rear its head in my first, and only year of university.

All through middle and high school, I had been that obnoxiously outgoing girl. You know, the one who turns around and introduces herself to everyone within hearing distance in lines at concerts, has no problem getting up in front of her youth group and acting like a doofus, makes it all the way to the provincial level of public speaking competitions without batting an eyelash. Then, in university, it started small - as simple as I could not possibly spend the night at someone's house, I would fight tooth and nail to get back to my apartment after a night out at the bars. I knew that it was turning into a problem when I started taking an economics course mid year and I got up on the first day and gathered my books, ate breakfast, showered - got all the way ready to go and got to the door to leave and turned around and climbed back into my bed, unable to face the "newness" of a whole class of new faces, a professor I had never met, and a completely different part of the university than I had ever had a class in.

It never developed into anything that has affected my quality of life but I know there are some experiences and friends I have probably missed out on as a result of my desire to stay home, where I am comfortable.

So when I decided I wanted to add "something else" besides dog walking and biking to work to my exercise regime, I picked lap swimming. We have a local pool that offers a pretty decent price and is not far from our apartment, so I investigated it as much as I could online... but then I came to questions I couldn't find the answers to online - like what sort of people swim there? Am I going to get hated on for being a slowpoke? How do you know which way to swim? Which time is the busiest to go? And of course... the one that I try to never let myself ask but pokes it's head up ALL OF THE TIME and I think is the root of all of the anxieties I have about just about everything - even though I know better than this - Am I going to be the fattest person there?*

All of those unknowns cause me a lot of anxiety so yesterday, G put me in the car and drove me to the pool without my bathing suit so I could take a peek in through the big window and see what sort of people swim there, and how fast they are swimming (the answers were all sorts and all speeds). I talked to the lifeguard at the desk to get a feel for it and he told me I should swim in the medium speed lane because the slow lane is mostly people walking or flutterboarding. He told me that the midday swim is usually the busiest.

Armed with this information, I steeled myself to go back today and actually swim. I knew I had to take my information I had gained and the little burst of bravery that I had and go swim sooner, rather than later, or I would chicken out completely. So I put my swimsuit and a towel in a bag and headed out. I was extremely nervous as I left the house, tummy full of butterflies - what if they don't like me? G gave me a hug and told me I would be just fine and sent me out the door.

As I parked the car, I wanted to turn around and go home, but I knew that G was at home and would know I hadn't swam if I just turned around and went back with dry hair, so that little bit of knowledge forced me into the reception and changing rooms. By then, I was most of the way there so why not just try it?

So I did. And obviously, I am here to write this and my entry didn't start with "NEVER GO LAP SWIMMING, IT IS HORRIBLE!". The truth was that it was uncomfortable at first, but I enjoyed it. It felt like a physical challenge. I pushed my body and my mind and I came out alive on the other end. There were, indeed, bodies of all ages, and shapes and sizes and speeds. In fact, the most inspiring swimmer there was a woman a bit bigger than me. She came to the pool, got in the medium speed lane, put her head down and went right to work. I felt like my strokes were frenzied and challenging, I felt like I was splashing a lot, but she cut through the water like a hot knife in butter, with slow, methodical strokes. She was a beautiful swimmer.

Am I going back? Of course.

If you're comfortable, you're not growing.

* And really, who cares if I am? I am as entitled as anyone else to pay my $3.50 and go swim as many laps as slowly or as quickly as I want to, regardless of my size or skill level.

Fat Girl But Not Fat Horse Related (Health At Every Size)

First, I want to apologize to those who prefer not to read weight-loss type entries - this is a vent, I had to get it off my brain, and it has been cooking for a while. I am not going to be very eloquent here, either, because I am still putting together the thought process.

Second - I want to promise that there IS going to be a goals and resolutions post BEFORE THE END OF JANUARY (I'm writing it down to make it so - one of my new goals, follow through!), but again - this is on my brain and I have to talk about it.

Lately, I have been feeling conflicted, and it kind of came to a head tonight, while reading an article about a woman who weighed 303lbs and lost 130lbs. In the article, she talks about eating "two or three pizzas", and big bags of chips in one sitting, and that's "a normal day". You see it all the time - articles about phenomenal weight loss from people who started well over 250lbs - they eat whole tubs of ice cream, they eat McDonalds EVERY. DAY., they like their chicken triple fried with extra gravy and biscuits. You hear about these crazy unhealthy eating habits which got them to the place they reached.

A lot of you know (since I've posted it on the blog many times) that at one point in my journey, I weighed 324lbs. Never did I eat "two or three" pizzas (or even ONE whole one!) in one day, or a whole bag of chips by myself, or a whole tub of ice cream. I have never liked sugared sodas. Did I overindulge by times? Of course, like any normal person. Here is the kicker - I was born 10lbs 11oz. I am now 6' tall with size 12 ladies feet. When I was an early teen,  my mother was diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes and so she formatted the way that we ate - she lost some weight, I never did. I grew up on whole wheat, lots of veggies, real fruit juice, lean, homegrown meats. It was not uncommon to take a second helping of those things, however.

I am what I would call reasonably active (I walk my dog usually about 5K a day and when I am walking to and from work in good weather, I am walking closer to 6 or 8K a day - I ride twice a week), I eat moderately well MOST of the time - during the summer, my regular lunch is salad! My body has settled around the 250lb mark. I am sure I can go lower with more salad and more walking, but the point is that this is where my body sits when I live a "normal" life (not too much, not too little), and that, to many, is not "normal". I firmly believe in the value of fueling and moving your body the appropriate way, and maintaining it (you wouldn't put watered down gas or drive on flat tires on your car would you?), but I also don't believe that in order to be "normal", you should have to restrict yourself to 1200 calories and exercise 4-6 hours a day.

Ever since watching Joy Nash's "Fat Rant", there has been this niggling in the back of my mind. I mean... I want to be able to live a life that is enjoyable, without having to consider every SINGLE calorie that enters my mouth and spend any time I am not at paid employment working out. WHAT IF I treat my body the right way, but I am still not "normal" by society's standards? What then?

The Health At Every Size movement is incredible. It is based on the idea of loving your body and treating it right and being kind to yourself if your "normal" body size is not what everybody else considers to be "normal".

Don't get me wrong, I am not saying that every person that is overweight is "supposed" to be, and I do believe that it is possible to lose weight and find your body at its ideal weight, not the weight that society has arbitrarily told you is "ideal" or "looks the best". I do believe there are some of us hanging onto weight out of laziness or emotional challenges or medical issues. But I also believe that some of us look exactly how we are supposed to. I am saying that if you are treating your body the right way and enjoying life and you still don't look like someone that is regularly featured on the cover of Cosmopolitan, that's probably just fine, too.

The biggest enemy, however, of the self love and acceptance movement of HAES, I believe, is articles like the one I mentioned above. I am very happy that the woman featured found enough self love to stop treating her body like a dumpster - I am thrilled that she seems to have found a weight where her body is happy... but an article like this, detailing the way that she abused her body prior to treating it right perpetuates the idea that ALL fat people are this way because of gross neglect of our body, when that may not always be true. An actual comment on my blog told me to "get off the couch and stop stuffing [my] face with Doritos and ice cream"... the truth is - I love Doritos but I can't remember the last time I had them, and while I do try to include a small amount of frozen yogurt (masquerading as ice cream, my favourite is chocolate chip cookie dough!) in my day, if my hunger and calorie budget allows it, I am not much of a full fat ice cream eater. I do take a couple of hours to myself, a few evenings a week, to sit on the couch, yes - who doesn't? And why do I deserve to do it less than anyone else? And when I tell people what I am doing, and am not losing crazy amounts of weight doing it, I'm "lying" about how I am living. It is a vicious cycle.

If you haven't already checked out the HAES movement, I strongly encourage you to. It makes a lot of sense, if you are somebody like me - active, eating moderately, and not dropping weight hand over fist (anymore). It also really goes hand in hand with the idea I have been trying to promote with this blog - the most important first step to being happy is loving yourself, and caring about yourself - this is how you will accomplish your goals, this is how you will live the most fulfilled life possible. There is also a page full of resources - blogs and websites, books and communities that follow the HAES movement. Do yourself a favor and check it out!

The right path...

If you have been reading this blog for any amount of time, or even know me a little bit, it is pretty obvious that I really subscribe to the theory that everything happens for exactly the reason it is supposed to. We may not realize it at the time - it might take years for things to come full circle - but I do believe that some of the experiences that I have, in the past, categorized as the 'worst' experiences of my life have spit-polished me into a person that I am proud to be.

With that said, I have been experiencing some stress this week. I landed at the barn after a weekend away last Tuesday to find Browyn injured. You know, I realize this kind of thing happens from time to time in herd settings and for the social and physical  benefits of living in a herd, I wouldn't change it, it is just frustrating - especially when you have to drive 20 minutes to the barn each way to check on her. Mind you, I am used to having my horses about 20 feet from my doorstep and so if I found an injury like this on a horse while I was living at the farm, I would just hop out before bed or work and take another look, just to put my mind at ease. Not so easy to do when I don't have a vehicle and it is a bit of a drive.

I am normally at the barn alone when I go out to ride, unless I am having a lesson - and my boyfriend just started a new shift at work (it came with a promotion, so it is, in all reality, a good thing, a better thing, it's just hard to adjust to) so he is not home in the evenings. I can get a bit high strung by times and when I have no one to interject, things can easily escalate to desperate panic when my mind gets rolling (... do you see where this is going?).

After visiting the barn four or five times, including going out on nights that aren't my barn night, I was convinced that she was out in her hip, needed more chiro, I may never be able to ride her again, and I should just retire her home to the farm for the rest of her life. At this point, I wanted to be able to fast foward our 5 year plan into a 2 year or less plan. I just wanted to be able to watch my horses in my own backyard again.

Then, Wednesday night, after a particularly discouraging visit to the barn Tuesday (I thought she looked lamer, the swelling on her belly was more lumpy and, I had concluded, she just "looked sick".), I was out walking my dog. We heard something in the bushes/a waterhole while we were walking, and I eventually deducted that it was a couple of dogs "at large", so to avoid any potential injuries/attacks/fights (in the dark, with a medium-small dog, I was not interested in meeting them!), I turned around and went home to finish the walk later.

I was even to the point where I had called my parents to see about them making room to keep my now (in my mind) chronically lame, sick horse at the farm again.

Then I finished my dog's walk.

(Yes, I am getting to a point here!)

Some of you may know the significance of shooting stars to me - some of you may not. The long and short of it is that the night that my heart horse, Angel, died, several shooting stars crossed the sky while I was walking her out in her last hours. Almost every night after that for weeks, I always happened to spot one when I was leaving the barn after doing chores. These days, I don't see them as frequently, but every once in a while, when I am feeling a bit down or I am on the precipice of or have just made a big decision that I am uncertain about, I will see one. It might just be a coincidence, but I choose to take it as a reassuring sign from my earth Angel that I am doing the right thing and that I will be okay.

So you guessed it. I saw a shooting star when I took my dog back out. I haven't seen one in a while. I slept better than I had in quite some time and when I went to the barn the following night (last night), Bronwyn looked better, brighter, and happier than I had imagined her to be. We did a bit of clicker work just for fun, a little bit of lunge work. The barn owner was there, along with a couple of leasers and I did not feel quite so desperate about her situation. And she didn't look lame at all. I am still not sure whether I imagined how bad it was or if she just got better, but I do plan to ride her again starting Tuesday. I sure miss that connection.

I have a busy weekend - I am taking my pressed t-shirts (a la the soon-to-be-rebranded Sweet Angel Equine Designs to an SPCA fundraiser Pet Expo this weekend. If you are in New Brunswick (Canada), in the Fredericton area, stop by! If not... have an excellent weekend with your ponies!

Source: wallpaperswide.com via Joselyn on Pinterest

Don't wait.

I am one of the guiltiest people when it comes to this... too often, it's "when I have a nicer body, I'll do ____" or "when I have enough money, I'll do _____". I put things off and put them off until it's the "right time" or "things are aligned". The silly part is that a lot of the time, it's already the right time, and things will never be aligned or perfect. If you wait forever for the perfect time to do the things that make you happy, you might wait forever.

The community that I went to school in is grieving. This week, they found the body of a young woman that I went to school with and whose mother taught me in elementary and middle school on the side of the road. She was 26 years old and 7 months pregnant. They suspected foul play. The articles written about how friendly and happy she was were almost more painful to read than the details of the investigation to this point. I'm not going to pretend that I was best friends with her, because I wasn't - but I am genuinely sorry for the loss of such a bright spark on this earth and sending all my love and prayers out to her family, grappling to come to some kind of sense with this... but this sure wakes you up. 

You might not have forever to wait for that perfect moment to do the things that will make you happy or that you want to do. 

Don't wait "until tomorrow". Tomorrow might never come.

So live your life, do the things that make you happy and healthy. Aggressively pursue your dreams. Do not settle for less "for now". Stop thinking about what other people might think about your happiness. Embrace your body, in all of it's forms, stop hating it - you can't run this race when you are strangling yourself with self loathing. And you know, it's not going to be easy, and you are going to want to give up because nothing worth having is "easy". DO NOT STOP. Stop balking at road blocks or challenges, EMBRACE THEM, tackle them voraciously -  they will make you a better person - you might not understand now, but you will later - and if later never comes, you will still be that better person. Buy yourself that cute shirt now, not after you're "less lumpy". Save your pennies for that house or that incredible vacation or, God forbid, that horse you have been dying to buy! They say that "good things come to those who wait", but you can't wait for the things in life that you deserve to fall into your lap, you have to have a hand in making them happen. Be a good person, love sincerely and honestly and wholeheartedly - and while you're at it, feel all of your emotions with your whole heart - because there's no sense feeling them in the first place if you don't! Get those 'once-in-a-lifetime' romances, friendships, opportunities now, NOT LATER, because THIS is your lifetime. RIGHT NOW. And you are exactly as good, worthy, deserving or valuable now as you are ever going to be.

Source: flickr.com via Amanda on Pinterest

The True Cost of Loving a Horse

I have been spending the weekend home at the farm and this morning, my dad was reading some statistics from a magazine about the expense of keeping a horse. Depending on your locale, I believe the article he was reading quoted something like $2500-3500 annually. I can't even begin to calculate the financial costs of my small herd, because if I do, it might make me a bit sick - and I do things "cheap", to boot.

Owning horses or riding them costs more than financially, too. I have learned over the years that owning a horse could cost you your heart, parts of your family or circle of friends. Horses, though they will never do it for a selfish or malicious purpose like a human might, can break your heart unequivocally - with death, with lameness, with one of the myriad of illnesses or infirmities that can strike horses for absolutely no reason at all, with an unwilling sale forced by the economy or loss of a job... You get kicked, you get dumped, you get hurt - some partners have a hard time sharing their time with a horse or appreciating when you come home with your hair full of hay and smelling a bit like manure.

But at the end of the day, we may spend money and emotion and physical wellness on the love of a horse (or a few horses!) - and when you sell, you never actually MAKE money - but we get paid back, too. We profit substantially from loving a horse, and I like to think that makes the slaving at a day job to make the money, which seems to spend mere microseconds in our wallet, to keep our horses worthwhile. I like to think that it makes your heart breaking worthwhile because someday, you can look back fondly and with love and recognize the lessons that you have learned and how much richer you were for the experience. At the end of the day, I think I profit more than I spend.

The profits from loving a horse --

- the confidence you earn from working with a 1200lb animal that could kill you, but instead allows you to climb up on its back in the same way that a predator might, and carries you with pride.

- the rewarding ache in your muscles from putting up hay or mucking stalls, or giving a really good grooming - or simply just spending most of a crisp fall day in the barn bumming around.

- owning or riding horses seems to be an instant conversation starter - because whether they love them or fear them, the general public seems to have a fascination with horses - either the day to day or your mental sanity regarding the amount of money that you spend on them.

- you have an ever present sounding board - someone who is never going to tell you that you need to be less invested, that your hurt feelings are silly or that they doubt your ability to meet the challenge you are facing.

- the network of friends and professionals, either in person or online that turn out to understand your needs and desires better than some people who have been in your life since the beginning.

- the peaceful stillness in your heart when you've put in a day's work and can just recline on a bale of hay and listen to the eating of horses, or watching your equine friends grazing in a field, or just being with a horse.

- the surprising joy when you find something in the Dollarstore or at Walmart that you can use for your horse that will cost you a fraction of the money of buying it from a tack store (I also count this as financial profit!).

- the laughter when your horse proves itself to be more clever (in a NON-mischevious way!) than you expected.

- the satisfaction of introducing a child to a horse.

Yes, at the end of the day, I believe that even if we can't line our wallets in it, we profit incredibly from the love of a horse - and for each person, there is so much more that is personal and private and makes their life with horses that much more worthwhile.

Source: rideforlifeorlove.tumblr.com via Adriana on Pinterest

October 21st, 2011 - "Invasion of the Drafties" trail ride

Okay, so maybe it wasn't called that but it sure felt like it!

A few years back, a group of us with an interest in draft and draft crosses as saddle horses got together in a Tim Hortons and connected - though most of us have been too busy to run an official club or organization, we have been getting together for trail rides when time allows it and this was another "unofficial" event. Though the majority of the horses (8 of 11) were drafts or draft crosses, we also had a few "normal sized" horses and a "fun sized" (pony) equine with us.

I love taking Bronwyn out on group trails. She loves to head out into the woods and I love to be with other riders - so it works for both of us. Though she can be a little more "up" in the arena, she is very laid back on the trail - as I tell people, I usually kick my feet out of the stirrups, ride on the buckle, and enjoy the ride.

This ride included an element that she hasn't been exposed to yet, either -- cows! As most of you remember, we missed out on the cattle penning clinic we hoped to go to because she needed her adjustment. I was disappointed but so thankful that I have my old girl back, even better, since the adjustment and massage! Anywho, the beginning of this ride involved a short jaunt through a pasture of adult beef cows. She looked at them like they were going to eat her. As long as they weren't moving in any direction that looked like it would be aimed at her, she was fine. But she was definitely on the alert!

You should be able to click on all of the below pictures for a larger version!

This photo was taken by my friend, Leah Grandy. Bronwyn looks like a pony because Leah was atop a purebred Clydesdale!

The other 6 drafties were all purebred Clydesdales. A group of girls is working on a drill team with them - and many of them hadn't been under saddle long. I have to say they did a fantastic job! We also had two saddle horses, a standardbred and the pony. We were out for about two hours and really enjoyed the fall scenery - the weather was absolutely gorgeous and the trail involved lots of puddles, much to the joy of some of the horses (the standardbred stopped at every opportunity and splashed her rider with glee!).

Just missing one saddle horse in this picture - just before we came home, the rider stopped to visit with a neighbour.

Bringing up the rear - everyone in this shot except for Jenny, the girl on the standardbred, Anna, who I rode the back and chatted with for most of the ride.

Gorgeous, clear trails! No bushwhacking for us - not like when I ride in the woods at the farm!

Probably my favourite picture out of all of them - the shadows of all of our ponies going up the road on the way home. I can only imagine how awesome the sight of, essentially, the Budweiser Clydesdale commercial coming up the road must have been for people seeing us go by1

Bronwyn never batted an eyelid at the traffic either.

We also did meet a truck on the trail that stopped, pulled over, and even turned off his engine to allow us to pass! I thought that was super classy and tipped my helmet to them as we passed by. :) I wish that every driver was as polite and considerate of horses!

Mailbag: Some Commonly Asked Questions

I've decided to do a new feature from time to time - I have a lot of really good conversations with many of my readers via Facebook messages or my email, and sometimes the same sorts of questions come up frequently. I thought that the best way to address these, with the permission of the writer, is to start a "Mailbag" feature and share some of our conversations and discussions with the rest of my readership. 

I am not an expert in ANY field, but I don't mind sharing my observations and opinions. If you have any comments or further questions, feel free to post in the comments! :)

Amber wrote:

Hi! I have just discovered your vlog and webpage. I am from Mississippi, and I, too, am overweight. I love horses and have always dreamed of doing barrel racing. On August 14, I had a weightloss surgery. I wanted to see if I could ask you some questions. I am a beginner rider. I owned horses as a young girl, and loved to ride. After being thrown off, I wasn't brave enough to ride anymore. Now, here I am losing weight, and I am wanting to RIDE! I cant get it out of my head that I am too big for the horse.  My starting weight was 337. I am now 290, Praise the Lord. At what size do you think is good to get on a horse? Also I noticed your hose is kind of stock and well built. What type of horse and size do you suggest for an overweight beginner??? Thanks so much Amber

 First of all, congratulations on your loss. :)

As for your questions - it is pretty common for people to ask me for absolutes - what weight, what height, what breed is appropriate for a plus-sized rider. The problem is that there are many more factors than the number on the scale or the weight of the horse.

First of all, I always recommend having another set of eyes with you - even if you are quite experienced - to look at whatever horse you are viewing or trying out and give you an objective opinion. Especially when you have been out of the saddle for a while, sometimes emotion can overcome reason (this is how I ended up with a feral three year old draft cross mare when I finally went looking for a horse to ride after being out of the saddle for a year, instead of the quiet, solid, older stock horse gelding I was looking for!), and you might end up with something less appropriate.

We had someone viewing horses at our place and they insisted because they were a stockier person, they required a horse 'at least 16hh'. There was then a comment about how short Bronwyn's back is (in a negative way). The truth is that 16hh is a long way to fall! It is true that often a taller horse weighs more so they work out better for whichever arbitrary rider weight vs horse weight equation that you may choose to use, but often a taller horse is a longer horse, which often equates to a longer back which is not as good for carrying weight.

My big picks are horses that, conformationally, are compact and short backed, with good bone, good feet, and a short loin coupling (you can read a little more about length of back here). I find that this sort of horse is often found in stock horses (non specialized breeding, usually) or draft crosses, but not always.

A lot of people want to choose full drafts for plus sized riders - depending on the breeding, they can also be some of the most docile, good natured horses to deal with - largely based on their height and weight. Sometimes a full draft is not a good choice, because in my personal experience, some of the hitch bred horses can have quite long backs. They are, afterall, generally bred to pull weight, not carry it.

As for what weight to get on a horse - it largely depends on the horse - and the rider. I think the most important thing, for your own safety, is that you have been doing some sort of exercise prior. I am not talking about running marathons or swimming the English channel, but I do feel that a minimum level of physical activity, even if it is just walking for 30 minutes every other day, is one of the best ways to start off. Apart from the fact that moving your body is good for you in the first place, your muscles are going to have an idea of what is going on and anything that you will be doing will likely be engaging some of the primary muscles that you will need for riding (core, legs, etc).

I strongly recommend you find a coach who will work with you, understand the potential limitations of your weight and fitness level, and has an appropriate horse to start. When I started back to lessons, even though I had been running and doing other physical activity, it was a couple of months before I got a chance to canter. Still, the majority of my work is done at the walk and trot both in lessons and on Bronwyn as I continue to condition her (and myself!). I really don't have the level of fitness yet to ride for hours, hold two-point and post without stirrups, but I am working on it. I think it is really important to realize that you need to walk before you can run - literally.

Bronwyn is a draft cross - I have no idea what her breeding is. She is 7 years old and about 15hh tall. Some of my favourite features of her conformation are her short back, her heavy bone and sound feet and her general compactness. I have had some feedback that she has nice angles for a potential dressage horse, but unfortunately, I noticed none of that when I first viewed her, and four hours later brought her home - emotion overrode logic. I was lucky I ended up with the gem that I did!

The most recent side photo that I have of her from much earlier this summer before she began to acquire any muscle at all!

Broken Pony is broken no more!

I don't know if I have really expressed the magnitude of the problems we have been having over the last month or so - between the ill-fitting saddle, and on to the severe behavioural issues that we began to experience following it.

Even after the saddle fit issue was resolved, Bronwyn would still work for about 20 minutes and then begin being outright "naughty" when I asked for a little more - put leg on and asked her to extend. She would crank her head up and to the side, and stop up instead of moving forward. I tried various saddles, bridles, bits and girths and then put my shingle out looking for a chiro or massage therapist to come and take a look at her because something was clearly wrong. Though Bronwyn has spent much of her life being silly or scared of things, never once has she been naughty - and her work ethic has been pretty awesome all summer. The big difference, though, is that her body has changed quite significantly - in shape and in fitness.

I got replies from several people suggesting Christa - and was pleased to find that she had been to my barn recently to work on a horse that was dealing with lameness issues and that this mare had gotten much better after a session.

Fortunately, she was able to come out quite quickly for me. Bronwyn was really quite at ease with her, I think largely due to the fact that she is constantly talking to her during the session, which is what I do with just about every horse. (As a side note, I was largely ridiculed for this when I worked with race horses "back in the day", but I had the quietest horses in the barn, who, when they went to another groom who wasn't as verbose as I tend to be, suddenly were uptight and nervous around their handlers. Imagine!)

She immediately could see that her neck and her pelvis needed adjustments, and then proceeded to spend about an hour working on her muscles - I could see a visible change in the shape of some parts of her body right away!

I have to say that I felt bad at the beginning when she found the initial problems. I think every plus sized rider wonders if their weight could be affecting their horse, even if they adhere to the "20% rule" or any of the other governing guidelines for determining if you are too heavy for your horse, and that was what I initially was concerned with. Without asking the specific question of if I had caused it, Christa reminded me that these sorts of things could happen in any way - rolling over a rock, etc - and I know someone who adjusts her horse post birthing, etc. 

I have to admit to being a little bit nervous when she adjusted her pelvis and neck. Even for humans, the idea of manipulating the bones and the spine kind of terrifies me, but as Christa has a pretty impressive resume, I trusted her while she adjusted the pelvis (not TOO bad) and the neck (admittedly, much scarier). And two days later, when I was advised to go out and ride her again... I had a different horse.

Overall, I think Bronwyn was thrilled with her new friend!

Bronwyn earned the nickname "Ploddius" over the summer, due to her short, heavy strides. Let's just say she is Ploddius no more! It was quite interesting to feel the difference in the ride - she carried herself lightly - I have never realized that she wasn't moving that lightly, because she probably never has! Overall, it was worth every penny.

NHR: 33 Things to Accept and Embrace

I am working on a few other entries at the moment and working on getting those loose ends tied up but a colleague at work passed this on to me this morning and I thought it was too good not to share. It's not horse related, but on the note of bettering oneself all the time, I thought it could be as useful to someone else as it is to me.

From Tiny Buddha:

1. Beauty cannot be defined. Beauty is a reflection of what we deem valuable. For me, it’s an inner radiance and bliss that transcends judgment and fear, or at least makes an effort to.


2. Perfection cannot be obtained (and it’s boring anyways). Trying to be perfect makes us feel inferior and desperate to change; owning our uniqueness makes us feel worthy and excited to evolve.

3. Love will be messy at times. Sometimes love looks nothing like the ideal. Unless you’re in an unhealthy relationship, lean into the messiness. That’s where the intimacy is.

4. Other people will judge. Doing our best and accepting that people will form opinions is far more empowering than stressing about what everyone else thinks.

5. Sometimes there is no right or wrong. There isn’t always a right decision or answer. It’s just about what feels right to us right now, and whether we have the courage to honor it.

6. No one else knows what’s right for us. Someone else may seem certain they know what we should do. Should can be deceiving; it seduces us with the promise of an ideal destination when what we really need is to choose for ourselves and then pave our path as we go.

7. Tomorrow is uncertain. Despite all our planning, plotting, worrying, or dreading, what will be will be—and no matter how scared we feel right now, we can and will make the most of it.

8. There are things we don’t know. And there are things we don’t know that we don’t know. It might be humbling to revise our understandings of things, but this is how we grow.

9. No other person can make us feel whole. Sometimes we’ll feel a void and turn to other people to fill it. Mutually fulfilling relationships involve two whole people who complement, not complete each other.

10. We can’t change other people. We have to want to change in order to do it. No matter how much we wish someone would act differently, it has to be his or her choice.

11. There are some things we can’t change about ourselves. Change sells, and it’s seductive, but certain things cannot be changed—like parts of our body or nature.

12. Sometimes there are gifts in the things we want to change. For years I cursed my heightened emotions; now I channel them into something positive. Don’t run from yourself; grow into yourself.

13. We are worthy, just as we are. Growth is a lifelong proposition, with no static endpoint. We do it not because we lack value, just as we are, but because we value ourselves.

14. We are going to age. With every year that passes, we have 365 days to enjoy that age—and no one age is better than another. Each is different, with its own challenges and gifts.

15. We are more than any one role. We aren’t one-dimensional, and we don’t have to be. Recognizing this has been huge for me. I am a self-help writer who also likes Judd Apatow movies, karaoke bars, and eBay. I’m multifaceted and owning it!

16. We are going to redefine ourselves. It’s tempting to cling to roles and ideas of who we are, but who we are is always evolving. Life’s far more fulfilling if we see changes as adventures.

17. We will occasionally have to do things we don’t want to do. We won’t always love the things we need to do, for work or the people we care about, but we can find something enjoyable in it, if that’s our intention.

18. We will hurt at times. Pain is inevitable. It’s not a sign that something’s wrong with us or our lives; it’s a sign that we’re human, and we have the courage to care and live fully.

19. We will mess up at times. We will make mistakes—and sometimes the same ones over and over again. This is a big part of how we learn. The important thing is that we do.

20. People won’t always forgive us. We can’t make someone stay in our lives; we can only make amends and then be strong enough to accept the consequences of our actions.

21. Peace is forgiving ourselves. We don’t deserve to cower in shame—and it won’t do us any good. If we want to be happy, we need to cut ourselves some slack and believe we’re doing the best we can.

22. We won’t always like the consequences of our actions. Sometimes we’ll feel regret, wishing we could go back and do things differently. We can’t—but we can make different choices going forward.

23. We always have a choice in how we respond to what happens. No matter what our circumstances, we can choose what we do with them. We can decide it’s the end of the world, or start fresh from right where we stand.

24. We are never alone. It might feel like it, but there is always someone to offer love, kindness, and support. We just need to be willing to reach out and ask for what we need.

25. We will lose things and people we love—but we can gain something from every loss. Everything in life is impermanent—and no amount of time will feel like enough with the people we love. Loss hurts, be we can heal if we believe it’s possible.

26. Everything is cyclical. For every pain, there will be pleasure. Nothing stays the same, so relax through the tough times and fully enjoy the fun times. Everything transforms eventually.

27. There are some things we may never understand. Much of life is a mystery, and it’s human nature to try to solve it. Peace is learning to embrace the open-ended questions.

28. The worst that could possibly happen may happen. Sometimes the thing we fear the most may happen, making us wish we didn’t make a change, or an effort, or a fuss.

29. The worst that could possibly happen might not be that bad. If we’re willing to consider the possibility, we may find opportunity in that “horrible” thing. At the very least, we may recognize we’re okay—still here, still strong, still breathing.

30. We may not get everything we think we want. Despite all our best-laid plans, things won’t always turn out as we hoped they would.

31. As the Rolling Stones sang, we can still get what we need. We may not get the job, the house, the call, or whatever we wanted so badly, and yet find we have everything that matters. Hopefully we can see and celebrate it.

32. We might always want more. It’s human nature to wonder what else there is, at least at times. We can use this to fuel progress, instead of cursing our nature and ourselves for not being perfectly spiritual.

33. What we do matters. It might not seem like it when our efforts and outcomes seem small, but we create tiny miracles everyday, both by doing what we do and being who we are. We all make a difference.

Over the last few days, I have been reflecting on the person that I used to be and the growth that I have experienced, particularly in the years since I lost Angel (6 years ago this past Sunday, 8/26). One thing I can say with certainty is that I am not the person that I once was, and I had to go through the pain and struggle and grief to be able to become that person.

I'll lend you for a while my grandest foal...

The world lost two great horses in the last month. I don't think you would find either of their names in any magazines or posters of them on any girls' wall, except of those who were privileged enough to call them theirs. But for those girls who owned them, these horses were the world. A best friend, a confidant, a mane to cry in when one needed that little bit of extra strength that can't be acquired from anywhere but horsehair.

It doesn't matter if these horses were great or not - they were great to at least one person, and both were taken much, much too young, through events that were not under either owners control. I know this pain, I've been there - so I can sympathize with these two girls from our close forum community who are mourning the losses of their best friends right now.

It is a pretty unique feeling to lose a horse so young to something you had no control over. You do get angry at one point, and wonder why there are people who don't care about their horses the same way you do who never lose a horse in their lifetime until they are old and grey, and what you did to deserve to lose your best friend. You find panic, later on, when you wonder if the short time that you owned them was just a fantasy or a dream. But eventually, and sometimes it takes a long time, you can look back on the lessons you learned and the memories you have with fondness instead of the profound feeling of injustice that I began with.

A lot of people talk about the Rainbow Bridge. I am not particularly religious these days but I fail to believe that a Creator would make a celestial haven for those who have done good that did not include animals - the beings that have brought the most joy, and unconditional love to humans - sometimes more than other humans. In my mind's eye, there is a place where we will be reunited with those animals who were our friends, our teachers, and our refuges, and they will be free of the pains and ailments that they may have experienced in their lives.

And I like to think that my Angel, friend to all in her life, and lover of those younger and weaker, would usher them in and show them the ropes.

Source: Uploaded by user via April on Pinterest

   
The Grandest Foal
Author Unknown


I'll lend you for a little while,
my grandest foal, God said.
For you to love while he's alive,
and mourn for when he's dead.

It may be one or twenty years,
or days or months, you see.
But will you, til I take him back,
Take care of him for me?

He'll bring his charms to gladden you
and should his stay be brief,
you'll have those treasured memories,
as solace for your grief.

I cannot promise he will stay,
since all from earth return.
But there are lessons taught on earth
I want this foal to learn.

I've looked the wide world over
in my search for teachers true.
And from the throngs that crowd life's lanes,
with trust, I have selected you.

Now will you give him all your love?
Nor think the labor vain.
Nor hate me when I come
to take him back again?

I know you'll give him tenderness
and love will bloom each day.
And for the happiness you've known,
you will forever-grateful stay.

But should I come and call for him
much sooner than you'd planned,
you'll brave the bitter grief that comes,
and maybe understand.

Run free, Gretta & Don. <3>

Setting Goals

I love making a list. I don't know why, but there is something so satisfying about crossing something off, even if it is something tiny like making a phone call or sending someone an email. My most productive days often start with a list.

I think that having goals in life are important - goals to improve your life, goals to make you happy. Sometimes you may want something that seems so incredibly out of reach that you don't even try in the first place. That's where I think a list comes in handy in goal setting. Nobody ever climbed a mountain by starting at the peak.

A list is a good way to map the path to your ultimate desired end result, and an excellent way to be able to look back, midway through your journey and say "look how far I have come already". If you don't give yourself credit for the journey, how are you supposed to enjoy the destination?

I meant to share this video quite a while ago, so I hope that my permission to share it still stands - you might have seen it on the FB fanpage back in April when I shared it, but I'm going to share it again. This is a video of two women from the UK who met through our forum and together, decided they were going to go on a beach ride. If I recall correctly, there was a bit of a road there and they posted a list of the things that they needed and wanted to do to be able to accomplish the ultimate goal - a good gallop on the beach:

(The girls are wearing the Fuller Fillies ROSIE POSY Denim Breeches if you're curious and want some RAD pink riding pants!)

Overall, I think what they accomplished was pretty awesome, and it thrilled me beyond belief to see them getting out and doing it - after checking off many of the goals on their list to get there.

Figure out what you want - what you really want... whether it is to ride at all, or to ride a dressage test with your horse. Figure out the steps that will get you there and write them down, and then work toward each component on your list. It is easy, when you are far away from your goal, to get mired up in how long it is going to take you to get there or how many hurdles you have to go over to make it to the desired end result. I find that breaking things down into smaller, managable targets to achieve helps you not to get frustrated or discouraged, and allows you to feel success and bolster your self confidence sooner, which I think helps you to continue to achieve your goals. Once you have accomplished something and feel good about yourself for doing it, the next task becomes that much easier.

So let's discuss - what are your goals and share your list to get there!

You shouldn't believe everything that you read on the internet...

My boyfriend and I have just finished watching season 1 of Game of Thrones (hey, it IS horse related!) and during the course of it, I began telling my boyfriend that our dog, Morrie (who is a miniature Australian shepherd) is a dire wolf... well, a baby dire wolf, since he's pretty small. He maintained I was not telling the truth until I lamented to my friend that he wouldn't believe it until it was in print and then, poof!, Wikipedia's article on dire wolves briefly (while my computer conveniently melted down so I could not screen cap it for posterity) mentioned that they are extinct "(except for Morrie)". And then, as quickly as it was there, it was gone. And the truth is (and I will ONLY admit this here because my boyfriend CLAIMS he doesn't read the blog!) that Morrie is not actually a dire wolf, even though I read it, IN WRITING, on the Internet!

Heck, I am pretty sure there are still people out there wondering about "Fiona", Bronwyn and Rex's love child from 2010 (I'll be a long time waiting for THAT foal, since Rex no longer has eligible parts!)... because they read it on the INTERNET.

I am incredibly gullible, I will admit to it. Though I might have a niggling in the back of my mind that you're pulling my leg when you tell me something far-fetched, I have this overwhelming sense of respect/consideration which seems to over-ride even my sense of self preservation by times (ask me about the time that I rolled down my window to talk to an angry looking man who got out of his car at a red light to yell at me for "burning a red light" (whatever that means, by my estimation, I made a legal right turn on red and he was nowhere in sight when I did it)). If I believe you to be the sort of person who does not regularly tell lies, I will most likely take what you say at face value until it is proven otherwise. Because that's just how I roll.

The thing about the Internet is... a lot of people have a lot to say, sometimes more than they would say in person. The Internet leaves a lot of room for speculation and anonymous insults, and other things that, when you head in that direction, can be an extremely slippery slope. I have to say that I am still always surprised that, even though on the Internet, you have the chance to fully investigate, get all your ducks in a row and THEN make a comment that you may or may not be able to take back, people still say some pretty crazy, ridiculous things. After all, sometimes things live on the Internet for EONS.

Since I started writing this blog, I remind myself every single day - when I write a new entry, or when I check the Facebook fan page, or when I get a notification of a new comment - that there is rarely an in-between when it comes to this subject matter. People love it and support it or people hate it and insult it. There is rarely an in-between (or at least, I don't hear about many) and fortunately, the former far outnumbers the latter. Occasionally, someone is so offended, not by the fact that I am writing about plus sized riders, but by the fact that I am riding at all, and that I am torturing my horse, that they see fit to make a comment.

That's fine - I mean, I put this material out there, publicly - I need to expect some feedback once in a while that isn't all wonderful and friendly like the lovely and kind comments I got when I was featured on Horse Nation just yesterday (now there are some words on the Internet that I encourage you to believe, haha!). But it's incredible the things that people "say" when they think that they are advocating for something. And let me just say - despite what some of the negative comment-leavers choose to believe - I have not deleted one unkind comment - from my blog or Youtube or Facebook. If someone wants to say something, I feel like they are entitled to say it - the same way I am entitled to write this entry and poo-poo on it or reply to their comment, advising them of the actual truths. And I'll let it stand - because I feel like they should own it - and I'm not going to pretend it didn't happen. Good or bad.

Whoo, I am getting off on a bit of a tangent here. All of this was to talk about this particular Youtube video that I posted over a year ago while I was participating in a Youtube vlogging community. I have posted 32 videos so far on that Youtube channel and for some reason, unknown to me, this video has gotten 50,000 more views than any other video that I have posted on Youtube. The comments run the gamut, but I thought I would share some of my favourites:

Actually, you know what... I'm not going to bring that negativity to light. I'm sure anybody out there who has ever admitted, online, to being a plus sized rider has seen the type of comments that I am thinking of. Not only are there rambling diatribes about cruelty to the horse, but additionally all of the inferences that because you are fat, there cannot possibly be anything else good or redeeming about you, that you are clearly lazy and unmotivated, and should stop stuffing yourself with "Doritos and ice cream" (honest to God, real comment I got, on the blog, I think... I had to LITERALLY LOL because I DO love Doritos and ice cream but I can count on two hands the number of months since the last taste of Doritos I had, though I do usually have a stock of frozen yogurt in my freezer which I engage in about twice a week (and dutifully track on my calorie counter)) - as if it were that simple, as if the commenter has been inside of your life, as if the fact that you are carrying extra weight completely overshadows any other personality trait that you might have, as if the negative commentary changes everything. People seem to forget that if you are overweight, you generally already know it, you don't need to be reminded.

But the fact of the matter is... all of these words, these letters on screens - they do not determine your value as a human being, your right to dream and to do and to be generally wonderful. Some of the demeaning things you read on the Internet (on a very public blog, even, earlier this month!) are quite simply put - GARBAGE. Just because it is in print does not mean that it's true. Discerning the truth that you know from that which others try to impose on you based on the very small amount of information that they know about you is not always an easy task but I can tell you that having a strong sense of your own truths and your own abilities and value, without taking into consideration the opinions of people who may not know anything about you besides the fact that you don't "look" like the picture of an equestrian - that is a completely worthwhile and valuable ability to have.

At the end of the day, there have been a million, million times more GOOD comments, emails and messages and Facebook photos that have made writing this blog worthwhile, while I am, on occasion, accused of abusing my horse, and having absolutely no regard for her welfare. And you know, even one of those good comments, emails or messages overrides the senseless drivel I occasionally have to put up with. Don't feel sorry for me! I am 100% humbled by most of the messages of hope and support and gratitude that I receive. Most often, I think that I am just little old me and don't deserve the thanks - I am just writing about my little old life and sharing truths about plus sized riders, afterall - it's no new information! But I appreciate it. And as long as there is one person out there who believes what I write above the anonymous negativity commentary about your worth as a human being because of the weight that you may carry, writing this blog will always be 100% worth writing.

Now if you'll excuse me, I am going out to ride Fiona!

So this is the new year... // OPEN CALL FOR GUEST BLOGGERS

Usually by this time of year, I have posted a year in review on the blog - wrote about last year's resolutions and the ones I have for the coming year, but my friends, I find myself with a lack of words right now.

I would love to make some horsey resolutions this year but I find myself, for the first time, uncertain of where and when my time with my horse will come. I've moved into the city now and am still looking for a place for Bronwyn. I go home at least once a week, typically, but the weather is not always conducive for a ride. I do at least get a snuggle, so that certainly helps. I'm not saying that when I lived on the farm I rode every day or even really took as much advantage of the situation as I should have, but it is foreign to me not to have the option to run out to the barn, 100 feet from the house, and have some one-on-one pony time if I wanted to! So I would say that my one goal for the year of 2012 is to find a place to bring Bronwyn so I can see her on a more regular basis. And that is really all I feel that I can, solidly, focus on at this time.

With that said, I want to talk a little about the future of the blog. I love writing it and I love the community that I have found as a result of writing the blog. When I began writing it, I knew that - if I garnered any readers at all - people would either love it or hate it and there would be nothing in between. The response of love and support has been, to say the least, overwhelming. Emails, Facebook contacts, the like - from plus sized riders who said that they needed to hear what I had to say, or were encouraged to start riding again by what I had written, to non-plus sized riders who support the cause. I have been humbled, I have been encouraged and inspired by what has come in. There has been some negative - don't get me wrong - and the negative has been ugly - never a logical, reasonable discussion, but insults. But the good has outweighed the bad a million times. A million times.

I never thought I was the only one "qualified" to write this blog. In fact, most often, I don't think I am "qualified" to write this blog at all! This, combined with the fact that I don't know where and when my horse related updates are going to come from in the future, makes me want to make this more YOUR blog than mine. I want to share you marvelous ladies (and men!) with the world, in hopes of encouraging others. I had overwhelming response when I asked for proof for my Fat Rider Myth #1: Fat People Should Only Ride Drafts (Or: Choosing A Suitable Mount) entry.

So this is a call for guest bloggers, since I can't guarantee what my own writing schedule will be like. I want to include your stories, your advise, your successes, your struggles - I want to share YOU with others like YOU that can appreciate what you have gone through and what you have to say. If you want to write about your experience as a plus sized rider showing, prejudices you have faced and how you have overcome them, your favourite brand of riding clothing, no matter - if it is relevant to you, as a plus sized rider, it is relevant to us. If you are interested, please email me @ amanda@afatgirlafathorse.com.

Further to this, I know there have been issues in the past when emailing the above address. Due to issues surrounding access of my webmail, there have been, regretfully, some emails that I have not been able to reply to. Those issues, however, have been resolved as of today - so I will be working hard to address every email sent to me! Bring it on!

The UPDATES!

Everyone has their winter fuzzies on! I went to the barn last night after being away a few nights this week to visit with Bronwyn and it was like overnight, she had grown her full-blown winter fluffy. I even said out loud to her - "you got ready for winter without me!". It has been a crazy month, but every month seems crazy when you're trying to split time between two homes 45 minutes apart and work full time - and I've now come into the time of year when I pick up shifts at the restaurant for extra Christmas cash. Last night, I really felt like I needed to sit on a horse to "rebalance my chi" as I told my boyfriend, but with -2C and the wind starting to pick up in the pitch dark... I satisfied myself with smelling a horse instead.

With that said, the craziness is coming to a close, soon. I will be moving off the farm two weeks from today, into the city, closer to my work place. At this time, the ponies will be staying at the farm, but I am already putting my feelers out to find a place that Bronwyn can call home and come and live closer to me. This will mark the first time that my horses have ever not been kept at home, and it's definitely a different stretch for me. At the beginning of the process, I thought I could just leave her home on the farm and visit from time to time, but realistically, I know that I need to have her somewhere near me so that I can visit her when I want. So THAT has been an interesting endeavour. Finding someone that I trust as much as my family to take care of my horse... finding a new home that will tolerate her "quirks". Most of the boarding facilities around here are full because of a fire that burned one of the larger facilities to the ground and displaced several horses. I have some time, though - she doesn't HAVE to move as soon as I do, so I can wait it out (and would prefer to) until February or March.

And speaking of ponies being cared for by someone else - for those who are wondering - Ari is doing very well in her new home! As I stated before, I had imagined that this would be much, much harder, but Meg has been doing a fantastic job keeping me updated, asking my input on various things, and basically just spoiling my little girl. She participated in the recent Santa Claus parade in their area, and has been learning under several different riders, all of whom love her. Cemented, what a good choice I made for my girl. I am beyond thrilled!

With that said, I am hoping for some mounted time this weekend... though I have two shifts at the restaurant to look forward to! It's definitely hard work, but it really helps to get into the festive feelings since the servings are completely Christmas dinners, and there is live entertainment, beautiful period decorations (the restaurant is set in 1855), and lots of good cheer to go around!

Keep moving toward your goals!

(I am crossposting a variation of this today on both of my blogs, A Fat Girl & A Fat Horse and Love it, then lose it., because I think it needs to be said on both a healthy lifestyle vein and also the horsey vein!)

I love these little tidbits that I get everyday from SparkPeople.com in my email - they are almost always applicable to the personal emotional journey that I am on in addition to my weight loss journey. This showed up in my email this morning:

Be not afraid of going slowly; be afraid only of standing still.
- Chinese Proverb

A lot of you guys out there are what the horse world calls "re-riders" - which means you rode when you were younger and then life, family and/or career stopped you from riding for a period of time and you are now facing more free time, more free money, etc. A lot of you guys are here because you are both a re-rider and a plus sized rider.

It can be SO frustrating getting back into the saddle after some time off. Your body might not work the way you are used to it working - you could be heavier than you were when you rode before - you could be older, or have experienced medical/physical setbacks during your time away from the saddle. You may have your confidence shaken and all you can manage is a walk or a jog. It's frustrating. You want to be able to do the things you once did - or even if you've never ridden before, you want to be able to do everything right away.

I am a great one for getting some good steam going - a quick pace, and then burning out. I'm talking about various aspects of my life, really - weight loss, emotional issues, riding, career... Because going slow is scary. Being behind everyone is terrifying for me. I am used to excelling at life, being competitive and good at most things that I put my mind to.

When I graduated from high school, I decided to take a year off to work and then go back to university to complete my BSW specializing in Child Welfare. By the time I got back to university, I was already a year behind all of the friends I had graduated with - my mother graciously suggested, since I did not have enough of a student loan to both keep my apartment and pay my tuition and so would have to work through the school year, that I take part time courses. I didn't want to be any farther behind my friends, so I insisted on taking a full course load and working full time - to get to my goal faster.

The disadvantage to this is that I was so caught up in getting to my destination that I missed a lot of the journey. (For those wondering, student loan pulled all of my finding because I had worked too much and I ended up burning out and dropping out of university and haven't been back since - now I am way more than just 1 year behind my friends!).

If you want to ride horses, find a way to make it happen. Work toward your goal - even if you go slow, you are still going. As I have mentioned before, recognize your limitations and

KEEP MOVING, DON'T QUIT.