A Fat Girl & A Fat Horse

Taking The Big Leap

2012-01-27T09:16:00.004-04:00

So, I know I am almost constantly encouraging you all to go out there, find barns that will accept and can accomodate you and RIDE! But I have to admit... I have not always followed my own advice. Kind of a "do what I say, not what I (don't) do". I haven't taken lessons since before I got Bronwyn. I have never recieved formal riding instruction under English tack.

A few weeks ago, I got a wild hair and posted this ad on our local version of Craig's List.

I honestly didn't expect much. I did get a couple of emails saying "did you try so and so?" and "call these people", but then I got one that said "I can help you." -- turns out it is someone I already knew but hadn't thought to approach, the barn is close to the apartment (too bad they don't have any stalls available!), and the big bonus kicker? I get to ride a friesian for my lessons! Definitely one to kick off of my bucket list!

To say I was nervous was an understatement when I rolled into my first session last Thursday. I kept telling my boyfriend how nervous I was but he couldn't seem to grasp WHY I would be nervous (this one rarely gets riled up about anything, God love him!) - afterall, I knew the people, I had been riding most of my life. It only makes sense, right?

Anyways... overall a wonderfully positive experience and I am looking forward to the next session this Thursday. It was painfully obvious within the first five or six minutes of riding how ridiculously out of shape I am these days -- but my instructor was understanding and helpful. If I think about it, the last time I even sat on Bronwyn was Christmas day, and I haven't put a serious ride on in at least 6 months.

I talked candidly about the issues I feel that I have (particularly majorly unbalanced on my right side, which the mare I rode was so sensitive to that I will have no choice but to work on this! Some of you may remember me binning it on my head to that side because of a combination of unbalanced + slipping, improperly fitted saddle.), and I feel like this is going to be good for me, and good for what I can do with Bronwyn. Already, I am thinking of different approaches to the things we do, and feeling a serious "bug" for riding... and I've only been once and was so sore I could hardly move for two days after. I will have to keep you all up to date!

Friday Favourite: January Thaw Equine Expo

2012-01-20T14:15:00.003-04:00

Springtime is my favourite season to be a horsewoman, this is no secret, I don't think. In conjunction with my resounding joy that comes along with spending hours in the barn peeling thick curls of dusty winter coat off of my horses ("it's the MOST wonderful time of the yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeear!!!"), it also brings about the horse expos, clinics, shows, and the ilk that make me really pumped up for riding and getting out there and doing things with my horses... and, you know, makes me spend (or at least WANT TO SPEND) a lot more money than I should on neat horsey things. I mean, it's all of the tack shops and distributors of all of the awesome horse merchandise in ONE PLACE. Easy to spend some money.

Anyways, with all of that said, there is one that jumps the line a little, that is this weekend, actually (the other two big ones that I hit are in April and May, respectively) - the January Thaw, which takes place in Fredericton, New Brunswick, in January every year. It's a great mid-winter chance to meet up with your horsey friends, make connections, and pick up some great sale items. It is also a worthwhile cause because the profits from the organization of this event go to the NB Children's Wish Foundation - last year they raised $3,536.20!!

So if you're in the area, stop by and say hello - I will be at the Happy Horse Designs booth. :) What are your favourite equine expos that you are looking forward to this year?

Friday Favourite: Carole Andreen-Harris

2012-01-13T13:29:00.004-04:00

(As perhaps a bit of a New Year's... um... decision, lol, I have decided to try my best to revisit the Friday Favourites. None of this month-between-entries crap anymore!)

Last weekend, I recieved a gift. This gift was probably one of the most thoughtful and heartfelt gifts I have ever had the pleasure to recieve and when I opened the shipping package, having a very slight suspicion what it might be, I cried. It was as if I had been transported back through time six years and was in a place that I never imagined that I would be again. The gift was given to me by someone that I care very much about and have developed a friendship with that has been largely influenced by the blog. It meant even more that I have had the pleasure to spend time with the creator of the gift and know what a wonderful, sincere lady she is. The giver and the creator schemed. I recieved this beautiful tribute to my lovely Angel:

My Friday Favourite this week is artwork by Carole Andreen-Harris. She is a lovely woman to spend time with and she clearly puts her heart into her work. I had "known" her online for some time before we met when I visited Arizona and had long drooled over her work but never imagined having the resources to own one of her pieces. We spent the day together with Carina at the Desert Museum (which... well, if you're in the Tucson area, I highly recommend it - it is a truly unique experience!) - and here is a picture of the three of us:

I am beyond excited to put the piece up in my home office (that is in the process of coming to be) in my new place and draw inspiration from having my old gal close to me all the time. Thank you, ladies - from the bottom of my heart. This gift truly means so much to me!

So this is the new year... // OPEN CALL FOR GUEST BLOGGERS

2012-01-11T10:06:00.004-04:00

Usually by this time of year, I have posted a year in review on the blog - wrote about last year's resolutions and the ones I have for the coming year, but my friends, I find myself with a lack of words right now.

I would love to make some horsey resolutions this year but I find myself, for the first time, uncertain of where and when my time with my horse will come. I've moved into the city now and am still looking for a place for Bronwyn. I go home at least once a week, typically, but the weather is not always conducive for a ride. I do at least get a snuggle, so that certainly helps. I'm not saying that when I lived on the farm I rode every day or even really took as much advantage of the situation as I should have, but it is foreign to me not to have the option to run out to the barn, 100 feet from the house, and have some one-on-one pony time if I wanted to! So I would say that my one goal for the year of 2012 is to find a place to bring Bronwyn so I can see her on a more regular basis. And that is really all I feel that I can, solidly, focus on at this time.

With that said, I want to talk a little about the future of the blog. I love writing it and I love the community that I have found as a result of writing the blog. When I began writing it, I knew that - if I garnered any readers at all - people would either love it or hate it and there would be nothing in between. The response of love and support has been, to say the least, overwhelming. Emails, Facebook contacts, the like - from plus sized riders who said that they needed to hear what I had to say, or were encouraged to start riding again by what I had written, to non-plus sized riders who support the cause. I have been humbled, I have been encouraged and inspired by what has come in. There has been some negative - don't get me wrong - and the negative has been ugly - never a logical, reasonable discussion, but insults. But the good has outweighed the bad a million times. A million times.

I never thought I was the only one "qualified" to write this blog. In fact, most often, I don't think I am "qualified" to write this blog at all! This, combined with the fact that I don't know where and when my horse related updates are going to come from in the future, makes me want to make this more YOUR blog than mine. I want to share you marvelous ladies (and men!) with the world, in hopes of encouraging others. I had overwhelming response when I asked for proof for my Fat Rider Myth #1: Fat People Should Only Ride Drafts (Or: Choosing A Suitable Mount) entry.

So this is a call for guest bloggers, since I can't guarantee what my own writing schedule will be like. I want to include your stories, your advise, your successes, your struggles - I want to share YOU with others like YOU that can appreciate what you have gone through and what you have to say. If you want to write about your experience as a plus sized rider showing, prejudices you have faced and how you have overcome them, your favourite brand of riding clothing, no matter - if it is relevant to you, as a plus sized rider, it is relevant to us. If you are interested, please email me @ amanda@afatgirlafathorse.com.

Further to this, I know there have been issues in the past when emailing the above address. Due to issues surrounding access of my webmail, there have been, regretfully, some emails that I have not been able to reply to. Those issues, however, have been resolved as of today - so I will be working hard to address every email sent to me! Bring it on!

The UPDATES!

2011-12-02T09:54:00.002-04:00

Everyone has their winter fuzzies on! I went to the barn last night after being away a few nights this week to visit with Bronwyn and it was like overnight, she had grown her full-blown winter fluffy. I even said out loud to her - "you got ready for winter without me!". It has been a crazy month, but every month seems crazy when you're trying to split time between two homes 45 minutes apart and work full time - and I've now come into the time of year when I pick up shifts at the restaurant for extra Christmas cash. Last night, I really felt like I needed to sit on a horse to "rebalance my chi" as I told my boyfriend, but with -2C and the wind starting to pick up in the pitch dark... I satisfied myself with smelling a horse instead.

With that said, the craziness is coming to a close, soon. I will be moving off the farm two weeks from today, into the city, closer to my work place. At this time, the ponies will be staying at the farm, but I am already putting my feelers out to find a place that Bronwyn can call home and come and live closer to me. This will mark the first time that my horses have ever not been kept at home, and it's definitely a different stretch for me. At the beginning of the process, I thought I could just leave her home on the farm and visit from time to time, but realistically, I know that I need to have her somewhere near me so that I can visit her when I want. So THAT has been an interesting endeavour. Finding someone that I trust as much as my family to take care of my horse... finding a new home that will tolerate her "quirks". Most of the boarding facilities around here are full because of a fire that burned one of the larger facilities to the ground and displaced several horses. I have some time, though - she doesn't HAVE to move as soon as I do, so I can wait it out (and would prefer to) until February or March.

And speaking of ponies being cared for by someone else - for those who are wondering - Ari is doing very well in her new home! As I stated before, I had imagined that this would be much, much harder, but Meg has been doing a fantastic job keeping me updated, asking my input on various things, and basically just spoiling my little girl. She participated in the recent Santa Claus parade in their area, and has been learning under several different riders, all of whom love her. Cemented, what a good choice I made for my girl. I am beyond thrilled!

With that said, I am hoping for some mounted time this weekend... though I have two shifts at the restaurant to look forward to! It's definitely hard work, but it really helps to get into the festive feelings since the servings are completely Christmas dinners, and there is live entertainment, beautiful period decorations (the restaurant is set in 1855), and lots of good cheer to go around!

Goodbye Hickstead

2011-11-06T18:48:00.003-04:00

I love to watch showjumping. When people ask me what my favourite televised sport is, the answer always includes showjumping. And who doesn't love the Canadian favourites - those teams that go together like bread and butter? Ian Millar & Big Ben, Eric Lamaze & Hickstead...

The news of Hickstead's death at the Verona CSI in Italy today spread quickly among the online equine community. Even if you didn't watch the video of his last moments, we all realized how sudden it is. I don't know about anyone else, but it reminded me of the mortality of our horses.

They make us feel incredible, invincible - a horse can humble or inspire you (and sometimes those two are one in the same). They are the symbol and vehicle of freedom of many, the best friends of many an awkward (and not awkward!) teenage girl, an instrument of livelihoods and leisure times. Treat a horse right and they will have your back, save your life (physically and emotionally), teach you as many lessons as you can open your heart to learn. And as quickly as they come to you, as immediate as the epiphanies they provide you can be - they can go, again. Disappear before your very eyes and leave you gutted - a stronger and better person for having known and loved them - but devastated for that loss.

I had eight hours to come to the realization that Angel was going, that I would have to wake up the next morning and begin to move through my life without her. I cannot even begin to imagine the way it felt when that realization came to Eric, when his steed staggered out from under him after a brilliant round and then died before his eyes. I can imagine the hole in his heart - I know, I have been there. So tonight, as I put my arms around my frustrating, quirky, portly pony, I thought of Hickstead, of his team, and the man with whom he flew. I put my hand on her chest and wondered 'will you ever leave me this way?', my hand on her stomach and asked the same thing. And then I realized - it doesn't matter. Someday, every horse will leave every girl who ever loved them. Behind them, they will leave a legacy - it might not be in the media, as widely televised as the incredible performances of Hickstead - it could just be in the heart of a girl who will never forget them. I think Hickstead will do a little of both. Godspeed, big little horse.

Don't Cry For The Horses
Brenda Riley-Seymore

Don't cry for the horses that life has set free.
A million white horses, forever to be.
Don't cry for the horses now in God's hands.
As they dance and prance to a heavenly band.

They were ours as a gift, but never to keep
As they close their eyes, forever to sleep.
Their spirits unbound, forever to fly.
A million white horses, against the blue sky.

Look up into Heaven. You will see them above.
The horse we lost, the horse we loved.
Manes and tails flying, they gallop through time.
They were never yours, they were never mine.

Don't cry for the horses, they will be back someday.
When our time has come, they will show us the way.
Do you hear that soft nicker close to your ear?
Don't cry for the horses, love the ones that are here.

If you love something, let it go...

2011-10-27T10:09:00.012-03:00

I always thought that saying was silly. I have a hard time letting anything go - a grudge, a cold, money - nevermind something that I love and value. This is why I was so surprised when I walked into the barn last night and right by Ari's empty stall and didn't feel a twinge of sadness. Not any. Not at all.

My personal situation is on the cusp of change at the moment and it is no longer (well, was it ever, really?) reasonable for me to keep three horses that I don't have time for. I had already made a decision to place Rex, my gelding, with a trusted friend of mine, bring Bronwyn with me wherever I go, and let Ari stay on the farm with my family, where I thought she belonged. On a whim, never thinking in a million years that I would find something that would feel "right", I posted Ari for up for a lifetime lease on my Facebook and on the forum. I mean, she is an "aged" mare when it comes to stock horses (she's just turned 8) and she has had maybe a dozen rides on her over those years. She is definitely not a beginner project for anybody, but doesn't have a speck of dirt to be found in her. A few people did inquire about her, but I still didn't have the "this feels right" feeling about any of it... afterall, this is the baby of my baby - she is out of my dearly missed heart horse and sired by my mother's dearly missed heart horse. She was born here and I've watched her grow, seen her in my pasture every day, cried many a tear into her mane.

My friend Maria said "have you talked to Meg? She sounds perfect for Meg!"

When Meg contacted me and began to tell me her story, I started to get that "this is right" feeling. She fit many of my "requirements" - a lifetime of experience with horses, a great support structure, a good understanding of common sense, and most important of all - a true love and care for equine-kind, regardless of their usefulness to her. We sent long emails back and forth for quite a while, detailing everything that I knew about Ari and exactly what Meg was looking for. Without going into too many details - Meg was thrown and nearly paralyzed by her standardbred whose list of past owners reads like a "should be banned from owning animals" list. In short, she needed a confidence builder that reminded her how to have fun on the back of a horse and not to be afraid.

The trip to haul her was longer than I anticipated and with more stresses than I had planned on (as if leaving my little girl behind wasn't stressful enough!), but in the end, I am glad we chose to haul her ourselves. Not just because this gave me an opportunity to put a face to words in emails, to see the facility. In retrospect, some of the best parts of the trip were seeing the little girls at the barn so excited to see the pretty new horse, staying up way too late eating cookies and talking horse with Meg and Maria, and seeing someone else - someone who is clearly capable and willing - spending more saddle time on Ari than I had in the last year. Those were the things that cemented, for me, that this was the right decision - even more so than seeing the facility, signing the contract, meeting the barn owner.

When Meg sat on her, they were perfectly sized for one another. She moves like a horse that wants to play with western pleasure but could be athletic enough to cut or rein - and that's right up Meg's alley.

I won't lie and say I didn't shed a tear or two, because I did. I was fortunate to have my dad with me - at one point, he consoled me by saying "She's going to look after her." and I said "I know, and that might be the part that bothers me the most." - the fact that I didn't have the time to appreciate her as much as Meg clearly was going to.

She has been gone almost a week. I have gotten glowing reports from Meg. She loves her. I imagined that it would be much, much harder to let something that I loved so much go. It was a lot easier to leave her with someone who clearly loves her as much as I do. Someone who appreciates her for the quiet little mare that she is. And most of all, it has been easier since I put it into perspective: Once upon a time, someone provided me with an opportunity with a horse that I really needed... I didn't know how much I needed her at that time, and it took me a long time to figure it out. I was reminded the last night when I sat on her in our muddy yard, in the pitch dark, in 2C weather that Bronwyn is the horse that I need. Rex and Ari are the horses that I love and care for, but Bronwyn is that horse that I need. I am paying it forward.

The photos in this post are courtesy of the marvellously talented Maria Casey, who was there, snapping away and being supportive the whole time! :)

Taking Responsibility

2011-10-21T12:33:00.002-03:00

It's Friday, I know, I am supposed to write a favourite. Thing is, I have something else on my mind. It's not really horse related, but it's applicable, and it is relevant, and it belongs to both of my blogs. Maybe this tough-love entry is for my benefit more than anybody else's, but hey - maybe someone else can benefit from it, too.

My life has undergone a few drastic changes in the last couple of years - it started with my brain, that part of myself that suddenly decided to find worth and value in myself as a person - the part that realized that if I wanted something to happen, I was going to have to work toward making it happen myself. That doesn't mean that I haven't had help along the way from an excellent support structure but that does mean that I had to start the ball rolling, nobody else could do it for me. And it's a lot easier to get help to get to your final destination if you're already on the journey - don't forget that everybody else is on their own journey and had to find their motivation to get onto that journey on their own, they don't have the energy left to start you out. This falls into the category of "you can really only help those who help themselves".

This also falls into the category of "fall down seven times, get up eight." Even if you have a couple of false starts, it is better to have tried and failed than never to have tried at all. They don't write news reports and history books about people who never had the strength to start the journey in the first place. When is the last time you heard about a guy who never waged a war against inequality?

What counts is that you don't let yourself down. If you're not happy with where you are, change it. This doesn't mean that you're going to go from homeless to rockstar in one day (unless, of course, you make it on some reality talent show, of course) - and I think that is the part where many people get frustrated and give up before they even begin. They get overwhelmed by the magnitude of their dream - they neglect to work out a road map so that they can measure their progress and consider anything except the realization of the goal to be failure. Start small. Make the small changes in your life that will add up to the big ones. Set small goals that make up the large goals. Celebrate the progress. Take it one day at a time.

Sometimes the progress is going to be just getting out of bed in the morning, looking yourself in the mirror and smiling, whether you feel like it or not.

Set a big goal today. Track the progress. Tell somebody - share it - make the good things happen for yourself. You deserve it as much as anybody does - maybe more!

Keep moving toward your goals!

2011-09-29T11:49:00.003-03:00

(I am crossposting a variation of this today on both of my blogs, A Fat Girl & A Fat Horse and Love it, then lose it., because I think it needs to be said on both a healthy lifestyle vein and also the horsey vein!)

I love these little tidbits that I get everyday from SparkPeople.com in my email - they are almost always applicable to the personal emotional journey that I am on in addition to my weight loss journey. This showed up in my email this morning:

Be not afraid of going slowly; be afraid only of standing still.
- Chinese Proverb

A lot of you guys out there are what the horse world calls "re-riders" - which means you rode when you were younger and then life, family and/or career stopped you from riding for a period of time and you are now facing more free time, more free money, etc. A lot of you guys are here because you are both a re-rider and a plus sized rider.

It can be SO frustrating getting back into the saddle after some time off. Your body might not work the way you are used to it working - you could be heavier than you were when you rode before - you could be older, or have experienced medical/physical setbacks during your time away from the saddle. You may have your confidence shaken and all you can manage is a walk or a jog. It's frustrating. You want to be able to do the things you once did - or even if you've never ridden before, you want to be able to do everything right away.

I am a great one for getting some good steam going - a quick pace, and then burning out. I'm talking about various aspects of my life, really - weight loss, emotional issues, riding, career... Because going slow is scary. Being behind everyone is terrifying for me. I am used to excelling at life, being competitive and good at most things that I put my mind to.

When I graduated from high school, I decided to take a year off to work and then go back to university to complete my BSW specializing in Child Welfare. By the time I got back to university, I was already a year behind all of the friends I had graduated with - my mother graciously suggested, since I did not have enough of a student loan to both keep my apartment and pay my tuition and so would have to work through the school year, that I take part time courses. I didn't want to be any farther behind my friends, so I insisted on taking a full course load and working full time - to get to my goal faster.

The disadvantage to this is that I was so caught up in getting to my destination that I missed a lot of the journey. (For those wondering, student loan pulled all of my finding because I had worked too much and I ended up burning out and dropping out of university and haven't been back since - now I am way more than just 1 year behind my friends!).

If you want to ride horses, find a way to make it happen. Work toward your goal - even if you go slow, you are still going. As I have mentioned before, recognize your limitations and

KEEP MOVING, DON'T QUIT.

For the love of an animal...

2011-09-17T10:24:00.004-03:00

At the end of the day, when an animal cannot make a decision itself, we are essentially the only ones who are responsible for doing the right thing for them. It is a heavy burden, and the right choice can sometimes be overshadowed by selfishness. Of course we want to keep our furry familiars with us, sometimes even when it is not the best choice for the animal.

A year ago today, a young woman who is very special to me and who I have mentioned in this blog several times as my partner in crime and sister made a decision to do the right thing for a dog that she loved very much. Bella was plagued by demons that none of us could really understand and after three years of blood, sweat, tears, and a lot of money to try to help Bella, my then 17 year old sister helped her best friend cross the Rainbow Bridge with dignity and let her find peace.

There was not a whole lot that Shay wanted more in this world than to be able to keep Bella with her... but she made the decision, as the only one who could, to cease her demons. Many times, she has questioned herself - even today, a year later, there are times when she wonders if she made the right choice. I know that she did. And so does Bella.

I spoke to a friend of mine last weekend who has an intuition for animals. She said to me that animals come here for whatever period of time they have, for a purpose - to teach us a lesson or show us something we didn't know about ourselves - and when their purpose has been completed, they leave us, to make room for the other animals that will teach us other lessons that they were not able to. When they depart this earth, it is their time, whether we feel that it is or not, so there is no resentment, no distrust of a human that may have to make that decision for their creature, because the time is right, whether we know it or not. I choose to believe this.

Friday Favourite: Courageous Comet & Rebecca Holder 2011 WEG Cross Country Run

2011-09-02T07:26:00.003-03:00

Thanks to one of our Facebook Fans for sharing this video on the wall yesterday!

I don't think that ANYBODY could tell me that this woman and her horse are not athletes - and he is not an enormous horse, either - tremendous, yes, but enormous, no. Love the pricked ears and pleasant expression - he clearly LOVES his job and is not bothered by any extra pounds his rider may be carrying.

Miss you, miss you, miss you.

2011-08-28T21:24:00.004-03:00

The Grandest Foal
Author Unknown

I'll lend you for a little while,
my grandest foal, God said.
For you to love while he's alive,
and mourn for when he's dead.

It may be one or twenty years,
or days or months, you see.
But will you, til I take him back,
Take care of him for me?

He'll bring his charms to gladden you
and should his stay be brief,
you'll have those treasured memories,
as solace for your grief.

I cannot promise he will stay,
since all from earth return.
But there are lessons taught on earth
I want this foal to learn.

I've looked the wide world over
in my search for teachers true.
And from the throngs that crowd life's lanes,
with trust, I have selected you.

Now will you give him all your love?
Nor think the labor vain.
Nor hate me when I come
to take him back again?

I know you'll give him tenderness
and love will bloom each day.
And for the happiness you've known,
you will forever-grateful stay.

But should I come and call for him
much sooner than you'd planned,
you'll brave the bitter grief that comes,
and maybe understand.

Five years ago today, my earth Angel went home. I miss her every day but I also know that without losing her, Bronwyn would never have come into my life. It is because of Angel that I have any passion for horses at all. I will never forget the desperate bond I forged with baby Rex who was still on his mom when she colicked and died that night. I needed him as badly as he needed me. I have truly enjoyed him this summer, and tonight it was, once again, he and I, in the barn, having some quiet time while I doctored the wound he got on his leg last week.

The hardest part for me was recognizing the lessons I had learned - both in Angel's life and in her death, and forgetting about the unfairness of it all. I remember thinking to myself that there were much worse horse owners out there than I - I even know some of them in person - and they get to keep their beloved equine friends while mine was taken away from me after only 5 short years together. There is something about some time and some distance that helps you to realize that nothing happens for no reason - everything has a purpose - and you will grow and learn from it all - even if you can't see that when you're standing in the epicenter of what you think is the worst disaster or pain you've ever felt.

With that said, Irene is just blowing into town for us this evening (she's mostly just a blustery evening so far) - I hope everyone's ponies are healthy, happy, and safe. Give 'em a big hug from Canada.

Friday Favourite: SUSAN HOFFMAN PEACOCK

2011-08-06T01:22:00.003-03:00

One of my forum ladies posted a link to this woman's Facebook photos, which showed a couple of shots of a very confident and professional lady that was rocking white breeches and certainly not weighing 98lbs soaking wet. Talk about inspiration! I Google'd her name and found her website. Lady! This is not just a plus sized rider TALKING about riding (like I do!), she is DOING it - and she's DOING IT WELL - AND she is instructing others on how to do it well!

Short gist:

Susan Hoffman Peacock is a National Clinician, USDF 4th Level Certified Instructor/Trainer, USDF Silver Medalist and National Champion. She owns and operates the beautiful Hidden River Ranch in Corona, California.

Nothing to scoff about if you ask me! What an inspiring (and not to mention stunning!) lady!

CYA - or Cover Your Assets

2011-08-04T13:26:00.002-03:00

This is just a fly-by posting but I thought that the timeliness of all of this crossing my radar was just too serendipitous not to share.

See Courtney King-Dye on her beautiful horse, Mythilus:

See Courtney King-Dye after her accident when she was not wearing a helmet, because (paraphrasing her own words), she was in too much of a hurry to put one on and because this horse "had never done a naughty thing": Riders4Helmets Interview (sorry, no embedding is allowed, you'll have to click the link the old fashioned way!)

And also, today's Tack of the Day deal is a ridiculously well priced riding helmet. If those don't strike your fancy, google Troxel or Tipperary and find helmets for every price range. No reason not to "buckle one on"!

Love and light and a real entry coming soon for you readers!

Where you find yourself now...

2011-07-24T12:28:00.002-03:00

This morning when I was doing the chores, Serenity was nickering over her stall wall to me, hanging her head over, and generally just begging for scritches. The only way to describe her is charismatic. She's sweet and she draws you in but she's also sassy and full of herself. To say that we love her is an understatement. She's just so full of personality, loves to be scratched and petted, picks up her feet, wears her halter and working on leading. When she goes out with mama, she runs circles around her, kicking and jumping and stretching her legs.

As I was rubbing Serenity's ears, it made me consider Bronwyn, who is, even still, "a little funny" about her ears. Imagine if Bronwyn had had the same kind of start that Serenity is having. Regular handling from the time she was born, taught to pick up her feet and lead when she was a wee wiffet instead of when she was four years old and 1300lbs, fed well, exposed to things. Where would she be now? Not with me, that's for certain. Who knows what she could be doing now? She could be pulling a wagon, competing in low level dressage, a trail string pony, a broodmare - any number of things that she is not, at this time, or may never be, while in my possession. So yes, she did have a rough start in life, but I am convinced that were it not for that rough start, her path would never have led her to me.

I struggled with depression for a long time when I was a teen - from about the age of 12 on to 18 or 19, I was not a happy person. My unhappiness sprung from a variety of different places, including (but not limited to) my weight. I grew up a big girl - I was born 10lbs 11oz - and very little changed after that. There were times when I wished that I was skinny and traditionally beautiful and imagined that so many more opportunities and experiences would open up for me.

It's funny how it is only in retrospect that you can fully appreciate the path you have traveled to end up where you are. I fully acknowledge that I still have a lot of road to travel but I am happy. Somewhere along the road, I came to realize that the number on the scale is not an indication of my self worth. Even if I am overweight, I am still a fundamentally good person, and the cause of my weight - whether it is genetics, lack of willpower, medical conditions - whatever it is - it is no greater a sin or character flaw than anything that any person of average weight carries - nobody is perfect.

It's interesting to consider what a different destination I might have ended up at if any of the components of my journey had been different. There have certainly been times that I have wanted to shake my fist at whatever governing power there is in the universe and ask them if they're playing a sick joke on me, but it is sometimes those changes or turns of events that you resist the most that end up being some of the best things that ever happened to you.

You might not have come to the point in your journey yet where you can look back and say "thank God for all I've missed because it led me here to this", but I think it's important to realize that yes, you are on a journey, and the destination you are at now probably isn't going to be the same in a couple of days, weeks, months, years or decades. And just because you are in a position that you don't care for at the moment, doesn't mean that you are undeserving of the good things and desirable final destination that you're going to end up in.

Friday Favourite: Trawling the feed store on a Friday night...

2011-07-23T00:12:00.002-03:00

I haven't been home to the farm in a few days until tonight. Man, I have missed my ponies! It's pretty clear that even though the next year or so could be some upheaval (physically) in my life, a pony is going to have to come with me.

Anyways - my Friday Favourite today is about 14 minutes late if you're in the same time zone as me but I think I have enough Mid and West Coast readers to balance it out there a little bit. :)

I stopped by the feed store on the way home to pick up a bag of beet pulp for my "Mission: Make Rex A Fat Horse" project that has been ongoing for a little bit now, and I wandered through the aisles of the horse section. It's not huge and the prices aren't cheap (well, online has kind of spoiled me), but once in a while, a few purchases make me happy.

I ended up coming out with a mineral block for Rex and one for our broodmare, a new bottle of fly spray, a bag of treats for Bronwyn and a hay net for Rex. Little things. Not a lot of money, and not flashy - functional, useful things that aren't glamorous and will get used up very shortly. But they make me happy. I guess it is knowing that I can provide for my horses. It helps me stomach my job a little better to use the money that I make from it to make life a little nicer for my ponies. :)

The product/piece of equipment you CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT.

2011-07-19T08:53:00.006-03:00

I was pondering, this morning, while standing in my driveway longing Rex in my pj shorts and tank top, the stuff that makes my life easier. What prompted this was my longe line:

It's made by Coastal Pet/Accent Halters, and I might be a little biased because my mom is the only dealer of these products in our region, but we have been using their products for years and years. They have great halters, too, which every horse in my barn currently wears and has for the last 10 years... but I love this longe line. The rubber grip on it slides up and down the line easily so you can feed out or bring in quite easily depending on the horse that you're longing, and then you can lock it by holding it and it doesn't move around. I think it's probably the most genius idea ever, as someone who doesn't like to wear gloves (I feel like it lessens my 'feel') and who owns a horse (*cough*Bronwyn*cough*) who used to take great pleasure at running through my hands on the longeline.

Another thing that I really love (and this is another thing that my mom also deals, haha) is Premier Equine's Rose Oil Conditioner. Considering that probably 80% of my grooming routine with Bronwyn is mane and tail maintenance, this is an important one to me. I also really dig using it on mostly white horses (read: Rex) because it helps them stay cleaner and deflect dirt. As a side bonus, no silicone AND I can get it in concentrate, which is good, because I use copious amounts of product to deal with 2 feet of mane!

For my US readers - both of these products are available quite readily through a variety of online sites and maybe in your local stores. Canadians and otherwise? I'm not sure, sorry - but do encourage you to give them a try!

Those are just a couple of the invaluable products that make my life easier everyday. I think it's always good to share these resources with our friends, so go ahead - fill the comments with your "must haves"!

Like my new gelding?

2011-07-17T23:09:00.002-03:00

Okay, so before anyone panics, I did not buy a new horse. Rex (one of my non-fat horses) was gelded Thursday morning. Textbook procedure, seems to be healing really well. I worry over the incision, of course - this is actually the first time I've ever had a "fresh" gelding - the last time I even owned a gelding at all was when I was 12 and he was castrated long before he got here!

The gelding procedure combined with watching an AQHA/open show on Saturday (and, I'll admit, sitting in a few western show saddles that I can't afford!) have really given me a hankering to ride western pleasure again. Rex is my western pleasure ticket. He's all but had somebody on him so as soon as he is healed up and I put the last 50lbs on him that I want, up I go! In the meantime, I am going to work on getting fitter.

It has been so dang hot around here lately that I have hardly touched Bronwyn. She doesn't tolerate the heat very well and, quite frankly, neither do I. I waver between really wanting to show her and get out and do stuff and on the other hand, wanting to just putter on trails in the evenings and on weekends. I know either way, she's a ton of fun. :)

This isn't much of an entry, but hey it's an update, and that's a good dang start!

Friday Favourites: The Healing Power of Horses

2011-07-15T15:07:00.003-03:00

I've talked about it before, but this article drove the point home again for me. I have also written about it at least once, and really... I think you could really say that that is mostly what this blog is about, isn't it? Perhaps not the emotional or mental damage to the extent that the veterans mentioned in the Chronicle Of The Horse article above, but many of us are using the healing power of horses to overcome confidence issues, self worth issues, and the like.

Interesting, isn't it? If you look at it, I don't think there are very many people involved in horses on the hobby/amateur competitor level that haven't used horses as a healing tool in some realm - whether it was keeping them out of trouble when they were kids, healing emotional wounds from relationships gone wrong, etc.

Slightly unrelated, but also slightly related, I thought I'd share this pic, but not too much of the story. Let's just say that I know this woman believes in the healing power of horses. This is one of my blog readers and good friends, Jo. My boyfriend and I spent a lovely weekend with her and her daughter this past weekend, soaking up some sun (a little too much in my case!) and participating in a good blend of horsey, beachy, and touristy things. We also spent some time with another blog reader/good friend, Krista... and I'm sure we snapped some pictures of her horses, but I believe they're on my boyfriend's camera. I will share when I can get my grubby paws on them! :)

I have not forgotten about you all!!

2011-07-02T11:27:00.001-03:00

I know, I know! I missed two Friday favourites AND I have ridden four times in the last week and we have a lot to catch up on, but I am on the way out the door to a wedding, and last week was watching my sister graduate... but I WILL get to you this week! AND I will have some photoadventures next weekend as I am going to go visit a couple of blog readers/forum posters. :-D

Have a great holiday weekend!

I remember...

2011-06-19T15:57:00.005-03:00

It seems like as long as I can remember, it always comes down to me and my dad, and a horse.

I've made it no secret that my parents were the ones who fostered my great love of horses. I had a pony from the time I was old enough to sit on one alone, and before that, I spent enough time on the front of a saddle that I actually have a recollection of a real trail ride when I was about 2. My mother and father took a lot of pride in the breeding and training operation that they ran and we always had good, sound, sane horses and a steady guiding hand. Together, they supported us, but I have more than a handful of memories of my dad and I and a horse.

My dad is a fine horseman. He has just the right touch of "cowboy" to look at things logically and get them done when it comes to a horse. He is compassionate and though he hates to admit it, cares very deeply about our animals - he'll hate for me to admit it - but I have seen the tears in his eyes with every dog young and old that we have put down in the last ten years. He is an excellent father - he will let you make your own mistakes, learn your own lessons, and be there at the end to make sure you got the lesson straight, and comfort you when you've made a mess. My dad would give the shirt off his back or all of his waking hours to help a neighbour and if I someday have children who have a father who is even half of the man that my father is, I will be a blessed woman.

My father and I are more alike than we like to think. We are both fairly sociable animals, both of us are a little bit emotional. We both can have the patience of Job at some aspects of our lives and absolutely no patience in other areas. It frustrates the both of us when someone or something does (or doesn't do) something because they "should know better". The first place either of us will usually go to cool down after an argument or a blow out or when we're just feeling down is the barn.

And so I remember... I remember when I was 16 and my father who had been a trucker and only sporadically present most of my childhood came home off the road and tried to step immediately into an authoritative father role and I balked at the idea, and we finally came to see eye to eye across the withers of my old sorrel gelding, Boots. I cried a lot of tears into Boots' mane when we were struggling to understand one another, and so it was fitting that we figured things out with Boots standing between us.

I remember when I was 20 and my Angel was dying and we both knew it and we stood in front of her stall and he watched me say my last goodbye to her and he ushered me into the house so that I didn't have to see her final painful moments. I remember him standing in the doorway of my bedroom while I cried and cried with her silly poofy pony forelock that I hated so much - I don't think he knows how much grief that little braid of hair got me through after losing her. I remember him telling me that "everything happens for a reason" and me resenting that for over a year... until Bronwyn came into my life and I began to realize what a profound role she would play in my life.

I remember when I first got Bronwyn and we tied her for the first time so I could give her a good grooming and he stood with me while I painstakingly combed tangles out of her tail while trying not to move too quickly and frighten her. When he tied her in her straight stall for the first time, when he held her so I could swing my leg over her for the first time, when he later told me that he had had his concerns about her hurting me but that first time that she let me sit on her and I sat there with confidence, that he would never doubt the mare again. When he hauled me to our first trail ride, and then our first horse show and when he rode shotgun with her while I tried to figure out how to pull a trailer with a horse in it for the first time. When he played doting groom and ribbon holder at the quarter horse show and held her for me at our first trail ride and tried to play nice even though the two of them are not the best of friends.

I remember when I first doubted being able to ride as an overweight rider. When my dad said "stop worrying and just ride", when he reminded me "you're not going to hurt that horse". My daddy is many things, but he is not a liar. He may have had to say it to me a million times, but eventually - I believed him. It is largely because of him that I began to write this blog at all.

Friday Favourites: Maya Angelou

2011-06-17T08:58:00.002-03:00

I can't even remember where or when, but somewhere, once upon a time, someone on the internet pointed me in the direction of this incredible poem by the beautiful, inspirational, strong Maya Angelou, and while it doesn't have anything to do with riding, it has a lot to do with how I choose to think about myself and the life that I try to live. At the time that it was shown to me, it was something that I really needed. I printed it out and it hangs on the wall of my bedroom so it is the first thing that my eyes go to when I get out of bed. Sometimes I say the best bits aloud to remind myself of exactly what I deserve, who I am, and where I am going.

Phenomenal Woman

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say,
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman

Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Happy Friday, ladies. I have been working on a "real" blog entry for some time now but Friday always seems to sneak up first! LOL Working on it, I promise!

Friday Favourite: Soft, silky foals...

2011-06-11T00:54:00.003-03:00

So! Those of you who are on the Facebook Fanpage are aware of this already, but the horse, Robin, that we bought from Wyoming in the fall foaled this week! She was a little bit early (a few weeks) and there was some touch and go time at the beginning where she just COULD NOT figure out the nursing thing but she is slurping and sassy as ever, now.

She is truly a blessing. We have called her "Serenity" - my mother wanted to call her Patience but I think Serenity is a little more suitable, and it will be hilarious when she's a grown up "red mare" type of spitfire with a name like Serenity.

So without further ado, because I know that all you come here for is pictures... welcome Serenity - out of Perpetualized Kid and by Hot Scotch Te Go.

There will be better pictures after this weekend when she takes her first trip out into the pasture, I expect! Happy weekend, everyone - I have another blog post coming soon!

Friday Favourites: Spanish Norman Horses

2011-06-03T15:21:00.003-03:00

I don't think it's any secret that I am drawn to the "war horse" archetype when it comes to horses - I mean... look at mine!

I have also always been a fan of the Baroque breeds, with Andalusians topping the list. You can see where this is going, right?

If money were no issue, I would have a barn full of these:

(okay, so I can't imbed the image, but follow the link below to see the gallery)

(You can see the full gallery here. Get a tissue ready for drool wiping!)

Seriously. If any of you loyal readers out there ever win the lottery, think of me. :)

Friday Favourites: Standardbred Placement

2011-05-27T13:40:00.003-03:00

Guess what! It's Friday again!

The last month or so has been crazy busy in my world. We hit two big trade fairs with my mom's show clothing booth. I got to meet and visit with some blog readers/forum posters, got a home visit from a blog reader (!), and saw some gorgeous horses, bought a few neat things, and really got bit by the horse bug again. This time of year always does it to me!

But at one of the trade fairs, I was sitting across the aisle from a really great group. There was a table for the Maritime Standardbred Pleasure Horse Association, a group that acts as a middle man to bring standardbreds from the tracks and farms and into homes with people that will use them as (obviously) pleasure horses.

This particular group really appeals to be for a couple of reasons. They're making "use" of a breed that traditionally only has ONE use... and versatility is the name of the game for me - and also because I have a huge soft spot for standardbreds.

I can't remember if I have ever talked about it on the blog before, but right after graduation, I skipped town with stars in my eyes for Ontario. I couldn't wait to be out of Hicksville, Canada and figured that the "city" would satisfy me (long story short, it didn't, but....). I spent several months working for a standardbred racehorse owner. My mom's first horse was a standardbred pony type horse - but they had never occured to me as a horse of much value, to be quite honest.

I learned SO MUCH in the short time that I was there, and most of it was direct from the horse's mouth, so to speak. In the end, I came away a much richer person, knowledge and passionwise. The standardbreds I met made me think outside the box more than any horses had to that point (Bronwyn holds that title now) - I learned how to wrap well and quickly (because EVERYONE wears wraps there!), I laughed more than should be allowed (particularly at the hands of a mare named Noble Sami who was extremely demanding when it came to attention!) - I proved boys wrong (by having no problems at all harnessing and handling the "man eating colt" that I was not even allowed to muck a stall for when I first arrived) - I helped halter break and put in the jog cart for the first time a now-record holding pacer, Gold Dust Beach - I learned patience and quietness (a great horse named Potamos taught me this one).

It warms my heart to know that these little (and big!) horses with so much try, so much heart, and so much BIG PERSONALITY are being moved to pleasure horse homes where people who are not in the "industry" will have the time to appreciate them for their individual awesomeness.

We have two of these organizations in the Maritimes - the above mentioned MSPHA is a middle man to get horses from the tracks into homes, and Morningstar Acres which actually brings them in and does the necessary rehab and training to get them moved out into pleasure homes. Particularly with a recent development within the government that has pulled funding for the popular Atlantic Sires Stakes in the Maritimes, these two organizations are going to have their hands full and will need all of the support that they can get. Consider a standardbred today. :)

Fears that don't relate to not being good enough for my horse.

2011-05-25T21:40:00.002-03:00

Earlier today, I posted the link to this story about two horses being lifted by a tornado and deposited into a pool on the blog Facebook fanpage. It is kind of "oh, haha" funny in retrospect, but I can't even imagine the sick feeling of seeing my horses gone from my pasture following destruction like that, or having to leave them somewhere when I was forced into an emergency evacuation.

I am really fortunate where I live - we are on the East Coast of Canada:

As a general rule, nature is not our enemy. We don't live near any bodies of water, so no flooding. Not living on any major fault lines - the most recent earthquake that we could feel was perhaps a million years ago. My dad remembers one small tornado when he was a kid that knocked down the neighbour's shed and (according to my dad) sucked all the water out of the duck pond and then put it down in the same place. We're not right on the coast so most hurricanes are blown out by the time they get to us... we get some wicked winter storms but as a general rule, are very lucky when it comes to natural disasters.

A lot of what has been going on in the last little while - the tornadoes, massive earthquakes... have made me consider - what is my "emergency plan"? I take a lot for granted because we have been so lucky in the past... but I shouldn't always rest on my luck like that!

Up until last summer, we didn't have a trailer, either. For where we are located, if there were ever an emergency evacuation, the closest trailer I can think of is over 30 minutes away and they would be likely to have to evacuate, too. I have long felt uncomfortable with not having a trailer, and feel a lot better now - if I have to make emergency trips to the vet, if we have to evacuate, if we need to help somebody do the above... With that said, though - all told, we have nearly 200 head of livestock here on the farm and 1 piddly 2-horse trailer won't move everything in nearly a short enough time if we ever had to evacuate!

People say that animals are unpredictable, and I agree. However, one thing that I like about animals, as a general rule, is that they can often be reasoned with. There's a motivation - food, water, dominance, reproduction, relief of pain or threat - behind the majority of their behaviour and you can make life easier for yourself if you can provide it or at least get out of its path. Weather and nature don't have those motivations - you can't reason with it, if a tornado is coming for your town, you get out of Dodge, no questions asked, because you're not going to provide a tsunami with the food that it requires to mold the behaviour into something you desire.

My heart truly goes out to all of those who are living with the aftermath of natural disasters right now - or living in the common path of them. I think I speak for all of my readers who are more fortunate in saying that we are hoping for the best for all of you, that you stay safe and secure with no losses.

Friday Favourite: Jane Savoie

2011-05-21T00:29:00.002-03:00

I know, quite technically, where I live, it's past midnight so it's not Friday anymore, but I have been going non stop since I left the office, and hey... it's the thought that counts!

As a motivator to get me writing more, even when there is not anything going on with Bronwyn and I, I want to start a weekly favourite feature... a product, website, concept, horse, person, etc... something that I LOVE. It was really convenient that someone on the forum brought this over from Facebook today (or maybe it was yesterday, the days are blurring together!). It takes many points that I try to make on a regular basis and sums them up in one nice, easy to read commentary... So without further ado... from Jane Savoie's Facebook Fanpage... something for all of you ladies out there who aren't riding right now, or are second guessing yourselves at every turn - a letter from Moshi, the horse:

Weight. There, I said it. Human society is incredibly obsessed with body size. How many people don’t ride or stopped riding because they think they are too fat? How many people hide their talents and abilities behind a wall of shame because of their BMI (Body Mass Index)?

When I hear people talking about weight issues, it makes me so glad I’m a horse! We are expected to have a big, round “hip” and be well fleshed. Unless you’re a racehorse, it’s perfectly okay to be plump. In fact, we are “fattened up” for halter classes and viewed as healthier when we have some meat on our bones. Why aren’t people like that? I hear it’s mostly because of movies, TV, and magazines. Back when food was scarce and only the rich were plump, “Rubenesque” women were all the rage. But now that food is abundant for almost all people, you’re expected to be waif thin and wrinkle free if you want to be “in.” The media perpetuates this ideal simply by glorifying the skinny and the young.

I understand there are health ramifications for being obese, but that’s not the point here. Plump is normal for a lot of people. Your hormones, genetics, age, and body structure have a whole lot to do with what is normal and healthy for YOU as an individual. You can be very fit and still look “fat” based on what you’ve been conditioned to believe. Are you one of those who stopped doing what you love in life because you don’t fit the Hollywood ideal?

Horses are incredibly strong. Light riding has a lot more to do with balance and technique than what a bathroom scale says about you. You can be overweight by today’s standards and still be very comfortable for your horse to carry.

If you want to make some changes, decide to be as fit as you can so you can ride well. Decide you’re going to be strong and healthy, no matter what you weigh. Exercise with the idea of being fit, not simply with the goal of being thin, and you will find a different kind of inspiration to keep going. If you’re one of those whose nerves I’ve just agitated, please know that I do understand how painful this issue might be. You just have to put your focus on your successes and not concentrate on the mental feedback loop that says you’re not okay. You ARE okay, just as you are! If anyone says anything different, it’s their problem, not yours.

I realize this is a very prickly subject for many people, but I want you to know that the “Scarlet F” need not stop you from living life to the fullest. Take a deep breath, recognize your worth, and realize that extra pounds do NOT decide you who you are. Get out there and ride your horse! He can carry you!

Love, Moshi

With that said, I am going to take a snooze. It's been a long week, and I have a full day ahead tomorrow. Topping that list would be dislodging the resident pig from my horse trailer and combing the summer paddock for the halter that Bronwyn has already lost twice! Have a great long weekend, everybody. :)

Slippery, Sickly SPRING!

2011-04-14T10:57:00.006-03:00

I think I have said before (if not on the blog, then definitely on the Facebook fan page) that shedding season is THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEEEEEEEAR (yes, in the Christmas song themed tune!). I think when I was delirious with the excitement of the hair lifting off of my horses in giant gobs and beginning to reveal their slick summer coats underneath, I forgot that SPRING follows shedding and that I dislike spring. Immensely.

The weather is SO nice and I want to ride SO badly. Unfortunately, the ground isn't co operating yet. If I had a nice arena with sand (which is my "project" for this summer!), it might not be so bad. On Sunday, I was tempted by some bare patches at the top of the driveway in the paddock... reasonably flat (little bit of a grade to it) and quite a few bare spots. Once I actually got up there, I discovered that it was so slippery that there wasn't much that could be done - Bronwyn slipped a few times and was completely blowing me off (flipped her tongue over the bit) and I had a brief thought of "it would serve you right to fall!" but then remembered that I would likely be crushed by the expansive bulk that she developed over the winter!

The big truth is that we both need to get in shape! I was awfully sore after that short ride on Sunday, which isn't good. She's sooo round, like a butterball turkey with fur. And filthy! Holy dust on her. That's what happens when they sit all winter doing mostly nothing. Once she sheds out, all those gorgeous dapples will show and I will again agonize over a few white hairs here and there and think to myself "OMG, is she going grey?!".. granted that she is 6 this year, the likelihood of her going grey now is quite slim, I do believe, but I do hold out hope.

This time last week, the ground looked like this:

With any luck, soon, there will be absolutely NO traces of this snow, including the wet muckiness!

Spring Cleaning!

2011-03-31T08:42:00.002-03:00

I don't know about the rest of you, but I think we've got winter just about beat here in Atlantic Canada. It has been increasingly frustrating for me because my riding ring (and by ring, I mean the relatively flat space that is unfenced that I use to ride in - though this is my summer project this year!) is still under snow but the weather is SO NICE that I am itching to ride! My options are a very small circle in our muddy dooryard, up our driveway and down the road where the shoulders are getting nice and bare, and none of those are very satisfactory for someone who enjoys schooling or 2-4 hour long trail rides with friends as much as Bronwyn and I do! Furthermore, I am DYING to get some REAL WORK in with my new saddle!

The last month has been busy, filled with joy and also disappointment, panic, health issues, but today, the 31st, I think I can safely say that I have survived March and am looking forward to the springtime promise of April! I haven't written much because I haven't felt that I have had much to say about Bronwyn and I, but I've since made the decision that I don't always have to write an awe inspiring post or about an outing that Bronwyn and I have made - I think I have some interesting "other" things to say and I'm going to say them!

I will fill you in on what March held for me, though! As many of you know, I was scheduled to go to Arizona from March 22nd to 30th to ride my favourite suffolk punch mare in the world and visit with my best gal, Carina... that didn't happen. On March 11th, I went to outpatients with severe deep pain in my left calf. They detained me for blood tests and my d dimer score (which is supposed to be 200) was 3000 - they immediately put me on blood thinners and I spent the weekend presenting at a hospital every 12 hours for a shot of Lovenox (did I mention that the two hospitals I had the choice of are each an hour from my home?). I went back for an ultrasound on Monday but the tech told me, more or less, that since it was below the knee, they probably wouldn't do anything. When the ultrasound results came back, the doctor told me that the ultrasound was negative and I was fine...

I was still in pain for 4-5 days afterward, and had an unrelated doctor's appointment on Monday, the 21st. My doctor had acquired my test results/report from the hospital that I went to on the 11th and she was so alarmed by my test results that she sent me back to the hospital for a shot of Tinseparin (spelling?), a different blood thinner, which left me with a baseball sized BLACK bruise (which is still there after over a week!) that night as well as more blood. She told me in no uncertain terms that I was not to fly the next day, and had me back in the hospital for another ultrasound on Tuesday, the 22nd - the day I was meant to fly. I spent THE ENTIRE DAY in the outpatients waiting room, and three hours alone after I had already had the ultrasound to talk to a doctor who told me that the ultrasound was negative and that he didn't believe that I had had a blood clot at all. His reasoning? Because I had no family history of it! At the same time, he would not give me a firm "yes" or "no" to being able to fly, work out, ride, etc, and said instead "you are of average risk". Talk about unsatisfying!

I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, so... there was a reason I didn't get to go to Arizona this time, which may or may not become clear to me in the near future. I am satisfied with that now, though still disappointed. I decided I'd try to get some other things done, like hauling Bronwyn out to an indoor. At the end of things, I went back to work a week early, and couldn't get the wiring straightened out on my trailer soon enough to get her to an indoor. More disappointment there.

I did, however, get the opportunity to spend lots of time with the guy I've been dating since November, which was nice (and almost rare since we live an hour apart and don't get to see each other TOO much), and I got to spend some time with my father, which also seems to be getting rare... I started clicker training with Bronwyn again... I spent a lot of time using a shedding blade on the horses!

Poor Rex, I lobbed off his mane (thick, tangled, and he (and I both!) hates his mane being pulled, so I just cut it off... stopped short of a roach but it's not far off! I took almost a whole horse off of him. I'd like to put 50 or 75 extra pounds on him and start him this spring.

I guess the important thing is that spring is here... new life starts... our lambs and goat kids are coming soon (we do have one early set of goat kids on the ground), clinics and trade fairs are right around the corner so I'll get to see all my horsey friends again (and spend too much shopping for new things!)... my draft-riding friends are antsy to get back out on the trails, and I have a renewed thirst for instruction and learning on horseback. Overall, though March didn't treat me too well, I still have a sense of excited anticipation for what is to come. :)

I've been thinking a lot about courage lately...

2011-02-27T09:01:00.005-04:00

I think it's mostly because I have found myself in some situations, recently, work and personal, that have pushed me outside of my comfort zone and I've had no choice but to swallow any anxiety and truck through it.

Then, someone sent an email forward to me last week about this woman:

What you are seeing is right. This woman's name is Bettina Eistel and not only does she have no arms, she also competes (very successfully, I might add!) at high levels of competition, has medaled at the Paralympics and has won championships in Germany and Belgium. I'm sorry, but this lady is amazing.

What I find the most impressive, actually, is something that the numerous other bloggers and articles haven't mentioned. This woman was born without arms, so it is not like she once had a great love and talent for horses and then lost her arms and found a way around it - no - she endeavored to ride without arms from the very beginning. But not only does she ride, she also tacks up, hoses down, brushes, blankets, wraps, etc -- nothing short of incredible!

Her horse's name is Fabuleax 5 and he looks like he is one heck of a horse - not only talented but also one of those "considerate" horses who just seems to "know".

Looking at all of this, I thought to myself "What kind of courage must it take to go out there, physically handicapped and not fitting a "rider" stereotype? What kind of challenges does she face socially in addition to physically?"

Everyone knows it takes some courage to get on a horse in the first place. If you're like me and you've been doing it forever, that fear is foolishly not present most of the time - but occasionally thoughts do cross my mind - what if I fall? What if I am horribly injured? What if I'm hurt so badly that I am never able to ride again? I'm sure many of those same thoughts cross the minds of both plus and average sized riders across the world every time that they saddle up. I mean, if you're smart, those kinds of thoughts are present! You are, afterall, settling onto a 1200+lb animal who has a mind of its own and a spring-loaded ejection seat like those cars you see in the cartoons.

Imagine not having arms to break or cushion your fall, or give you leverage to get your horse under control. I think many of us, even though we pack around a few extra pounds, are fortunate, and I think we need to take advantage of that and use it to our best potential. It might take a big shot of courage, a friend to give you the confidence you require, or a visit to our forum to find support and encouragement, but I guarantee - if Bettina can do it, so can we.

Resolutions...

2011-01-19T09:09:00.002-04:00

Ahh, the new year.

I realize it is no longer the 1st of January so really "past" the time for resolutions, but I'm going to talk about them anyway. I was still caught up in the emotional exhaustion of what my November and December turned out to be on January 1st so I chose not to make any resolutions, except for one, that I have managed, thus far, to keep quite well...

With all of the work in November/December, I was drinking a lot of coffee. A LOT. I am a water drinker by nature but I kept pumping in the coffee and cola soft drinks to try and keep my energy up instead of just resorting to a Red Bull or something else - and I was, as a result, not drinking enough water. I can state proudly that since Christmas Day, I have only had two small glasses of 7Up (they were mixed with wine, haha) on the day after New Year's. Other than that, no pop or coffee at all. I feel pretty good and most days, I don't even want any. I have taken to drinking chai tea in the mornings, but that is it - my water intake has increased significantly, as a result.

I always like to take some time and reflect on my resolutions from the past year when I start to think about new ones. I discovered last year that general things are easier to keep, and easier not to disappoint myself about. I think it was helpful.

So, without further ado:

Last Year:

I want to be "visible" with Bronwyn - in whatever context that ends up to be - horse show, clinic, demos and trade fairs.

I also want to be talking about plus sized riders in person. I go to a lot of equine trade fairs, shows and events with my mother who runs a small home based horse show clothing business (yes, she does make plus sized clothes). I'd like to take a flyer or maybe some business cards along with me. Maybe someday it will develop into talks and demonstrations. Have to start small!

...my "non-horsey" resolution is also health related. My resolution this year is to allow my health to take priority on a daily basis. This means taking the time every day to prepare myself healthier foods, go for a walk, work out, etc. This also means looking after my mental health, which is likely going to mean more time spent on horseback.

I also have a non-horsey resolution to get my completed romantic suspense manuscript into the hands of an agent - ideally published by the end of 2010 (or at least in plans for publication), but into the hands of an agent is a good start.

So... how did I do?

I would say that Bronwyn and I were definitely more visible last year. We attended one show and two public trail rides, as well as a local parade. I would love to expound on this a little more, and take in a clinic, continue with the trail rides, and also plan to bring her along with me to the Equine Review in late April, which is a trade fair with demos, etc. Ideally, I would like to do a demo on clicker training and with our draft under saddle club. I would also like to show her under saddle at at least one show.

I would also say that I succeeded in talking to more plus sized riders - not just in person, but online. I made a forum to go along with the blog and we have built a safe, comfortable, supportive community there where we encourage and challenge one another to be the best that we can be in all aspects of our lives. I brought business cards and a powerpoint presentation that I set up at trade fairs we went to - and talked to many a person - this year, with Bronwyn along, maybe I'll talk to even more people!

As for my non horsey related goals?

...to allow my health to take priority on a daily basis. This means taking the time every day to prepare myself healthier foods, go for a walk, work out, etc. This also means looking after my mental health, which is likely going to mean more time spent on horseback.

I also have a non-horsey resolution to get my completed romantic suspense manuscript into the hands of an agent - ideally published by the end of 2010 (or at least in plans for publication), but into the hands of an agent is a good start.

I would say on the first point, I was reasonably successful. In the year of 2010, I lost probably 50lbs, and kept it off. I stood up for myself emotionally (sometimes it took a little longer to do it, but I always did). I spent more time on horseback than I have in quite a few years, I would say. I developed a deeper connection with Bronwyn and challenged us both, physically and mentally (hello, four hour trail ride anyone?). I would consider that a successful resolution.

As for my novel? Epic fail on that one, though I have begun to consider a different route for the manuscript (e-publisher) and that is something I aim to pursue in 2011 a little more. I just ran out of time and steam in 2010!

So, for this year? I'm going to up the ante a little!

Horse Related

- One show under saddle, one clinic, one mounted parade, one beach ride and one trailride (with the people I ride with, I know the trail ride issue at the very least will exceed my goal!).
- More saddle time in general.
- More opportunity to share my horses with those around me who don't have those opportunities.
- And the most specific one? For my family of four to be able to go on a Christmas day trail ride - this means I have two horses to get broke this year!

Health Related
- 500 miles in 365 days (either with my Leslie Sansone DVD, or on a piece of gym equipment).
- 5k marathon, EVEN IF I JUST WALK.
- 100lb total loss by the end of the year - this means since my beginning weight, which will put me at 225lbs.

Life in General
- Give myself a break emotionally once in a while.
- (I've already got a good start on this one...) Embrace the idea that comfortable and easy trumps dramatic and stressful every. single. time.
- Enjoy the blessings that I have been given. :)

So... how about everyone else? By now, you all should probably have had a chance to move toward your goals and see how they're going to work out for you. What's the word? Your resolutions?

It's here! It's here!

2011-01-10T08:54:00.011-04:00

AND I have gotten a chance to ride in it!

I am just going to say it right now: I am never, ever trying to buy a "non" name brand saddle again. The difference in craftsmanship, leather quality, EVERYTHING, is so significant. Sure, I had to expand my budget a little bit, but I think I mentioned in my last entry that I had a wonderful experience with a seller who was willing to work with me. (So Nora, if you're reading this, thank you again! I know I've said it a million times, but I'd keep saying it!)

I picked it up at my postbox across the border on Tuesday, the 4th, but in my excitement, even though I knew (believe me, I kept reading the specs on the saddle over and over) that it is rigged for a dressage girth, I "forgot" and so didn't have a suitable girth to use... so it sat in my living room on my saddle rack while I admired it from across the room until Saturday morning when I was finally able to get to a local tack shop and pick one up.

I ended up with a 26", which WILL girth up and go up several holes, but I am told is a little too short. Anyways - I had to get a girth and that was the only option I had and if I didn't get something soon, I was going to strap it down with balertwine and sit in it! With the holidays and troublesome weather on the East coast, it took just short of three weeks to arrive, so I was pretty anxious.

So Saturday rolled around and I headed to town, went to the gym, picked up the girth, ate some sushi, headed home, and immediately changed my clothes and headed out to the barn. We've been getting some snow, so I knew I couldn't do too much but I needed to at least SIT in that saddle!

Anyways... this is what you're all here for! The pictures!

For comparison's sake, I am first going to refresh your memory with a couple of pictures from the 18" Thorowgood that I bought a while back. The extended panels were too long for her short, stout back, and she was pinched at the shoulders. It also really didn't fit me, like, at all.

Now, the new saddle!

If that doesn't look like a happy horse, I don't know what does!

I normally am very cautious riding in the snow but I was so excited about this saddle and the obvious difference in how easily and pleasantly she moved out that I just had to see what a canter in a well fitted saddle felt like. We have not done a lot of canter, DUE to the saddle issues we have had because of slipping (anyone remember me getting deposited on my head at the canter from a saddle that slipped all the way around Bronwyn's belly?) and also due to the ill fitting saddles, she had some issues (ducking, veering, etc) when we weren't in a roundpen in a "forced" circle.

We took off up through the snow... straight, balanced, comfortable and SO MUCH FUN.

I have had a few offers to buy this saddle from me (before I even got a chance to sit in it) but I have said more than once that I love this one so much I think I might have it buried with me, haha! If anything, it is a smidge too wide for Bronwyn, but I would rather a little too wide than too narrow, and still a little tight for me but I think it works for the length of my leg, just gotta work some of my butt off.

Now I feel that I can finally move forward instead of just floundering around in the same place. I have things I need to work on (hands out of my crotch, no piano hands, and eyes up, to name a few things!) and I feel like I can work on those now that I am not obsessively thinking "Is this saddle hurting my horse? Is this causing her pain?" - I feel like I can comfortably spend more time in the saddle now - it's refreshing and makes 2011 seem pretty bright and exciting to me!

Merry Christmas to ME!

2010-12-20T10:10:00.006-04:00

I didn't want to say anything sooner for fear of jinxing it, but as many of you know, I have been on the "Great Saddle Search" for some time now. In the end, I resolved that the Duett line of saddles is about the only way I can go. They are not cheap, but I have yet to hear any bad feedback at all about them. In fact, they are so well liked, as a general rule, that finding a good used one is kind of like finding a unicorn... and finding a good used one that would be both wide enough for Bronwyn and big enough in the seat for me... they exist, oh, they exist... but to get one that is USED is kind of a "from my cold, dead hands.", a la Charlton Heston.

I have doggedly kept my eyes on eBay and Tack Trader looking for something that will fit me and (most importantly) Bronwyn... a couple of times they have come up, out of my price range. Two went over the summer in the $500-600 range which would have been right up my alley, had I had money in my hands. I eventually gave up on the idea of something used and took on a second job through the November/December months in order to buy a new one in the new year.

And then it happened. I found a 38cm, 19" Duett Companion Trail on eBay with a starting bid at $500. This was doable. I was excited!

I don't dig the two-tone going on, but with what I do with Bronwyn at this moment, and considering the fact that my butt and thighs will cover most of the ugly up, it will do. Heck, at this point, I wouldn't care if it had Mickey Mouse all over it, as long as it fits Bronwyn.

Anyways, the seller, "Nora", was beyond helpful. I contacted her with what I anticipated to be my payment schedule prior to even bidding on the account. She was so easy to get along with and even expressed excitement when I won the auction. So, Nora... thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for assisting in this wonderful adventure we call saddle-fitting!

Now, I am a pretty experienced eBayer, but I am also pretty anxious, and I have a hard time (and heart palpitations) when I am bidding on something that is not that common to find and that I also "need". I enlisted my mother, who I would call a "MASTER EBAYER" to help me out with the bidding. What that meant is that she sat at the desktop computer with the page open ready to "snipe" the bidding at 10 seconds prior to the auction ending, and I sat in my bedroom, on my bed, with a blanket over my head and my laptop open before me, neurotically refreshing and refreshing the eBay page and occasionally letting out squeals and shrieks. I had already decided what price I wanted to go to, but what if someone else went $10 higher and I lost the auction?!?! THEN I would have to continue this neurotic searching of eBay and all things internet or wait until the new year before I could buy a saddle.

In the end, I ended up winning the Companion for less than half of what it would cost new (even including the shipping), and I am pretty darn excited. It got into the mail on Friday and I have only a delivery confirmation number so I can do some more neurotic refreshing on the USPS website (probably better that there isn't an actual tracking number so I have more details to anticipate looking for).

Does anyone see a pattern with neurosis here? I am practically bouncing in my seat hoping that it will land before Christmas (they said 8 days but I know USPS can sometimes be faster... but also during this time of year can also be MUCH MUCH SLOWER) and I will have a REAL Christmas present for myself and for my horse.

I usually have buyer's remorse after spending any amount of money on anything (sometimes even grocery shopping gives me buyer's remorse!), but I haven't experienced an ounce of it yet and I am so darn excited!

Slightly Not-Horse-Related: Being Thankful

2010-12-15T09:07:00.006-04:00

A week ago on Saturday, I was thankful for having a steady mount. Bronwyn and I decided to finally ride up on the clearcut that has happened next to our home (you might remember me blogging about it and how upset it made me). All the snow that had been on the ground had melted out and it was a really mild day - we had gotten a lot of rain shortly before it but it had backed off and I was really looking forward to just riding my horse up into the mountain and being able to unwind from some personal stresses that were going on.

Bronwyn was keen so as we headed out the driveway, we picked up a brisk trot. As we were passing our pond, all of a sudden, there was no horse under me. Thinking she had stumbled, I supported her head the best I could and tried to keep her from doing a nosedive and Bronwyn managed to stay on her feet. She continued to trot off as though nothing had happened. I reined her in and looked behind me to find an enormous gaping hole in our driveway.

She had put a front foot through a spot beside the cedar culvert that someone had built several years ago. Fortunately, there was no metal for her to cut herself on or get caught up in. Due to the heavy rains we had been experiencing, the earth beside the culvert had just washed away and left a sinkhole. She walked off sound and we completed our ride with no problems - she was not sore even the day after. I was so impressed with her steadiness, and the way that she just took things in stride.

It's funny because to many, she is not predictable, she is difficult and sometimes I feel like she can be a handful. On our longer-than-should-be-legal 4 hour ride, she was full of it when we left - my dad actually said later on that he hadn't been sure if I could handle her. She is reliable in her unpredictability, and the strong underlying current, despite some of the fears she still harbours, is that she trusts me and I trust her and in the end, that is why we get along so well!

Later on, I became thankful for other things that were related to saturated ground and rain.

This is a picture of what our front lawn looked like earlier this week - you can see the spot on the driveway where we fell through the sinkhole. The pond in front of our house is supposed to start about three feet behind the fence. Eventually, we unclogged the old rotted culvert and set most of the pond free and our dog yard is no longer flooded through, but the rain did more damage to other areas.

I lucked out. I am thankful.

These images were taken on roads that I travel on at least a weekly basis (some of them more like daily). This was all from a day's worth of torrential rain.

Fortunately, our place sustained no real damage, but places just 20 minutes away.. people were evacuated, horses had to be moved, reports of riding rings and barns down, pastures flooded, homes picked up and MOVED by the water.

The area is rebuilding, but this has always been one of those "it can't happen here" things.

One Year Later

2010-11-29T10:40:00.001-04:00

For anyone whose mind just did a double take when I said I was a fat girl who rides horses, my fat horse and I are here to change the way you think. For anyone whose mind just took a wistful trip down through their childhood memories in which they once rode horses but now feel they are too fat to do so, my fat horse and I are here to change the way you think. And for anyone whose mind did an acknowledging little nod and said "Mhmm, you go girl!", I am here to celebrate with you.

When I sat down to write my first blog entry for this blog on November 29th, 2009, I didn't know what to expect. I knew that I was taking a foray into waters that have, in the past, been controversial, so it could have ended up in one of two ways - I would receive copious amounts of backlash due to my content, or I would receive accolades. I knew from the beginning that there would be few out there who would be impartial to the things I would be saying - there would be either hate or love and one would certainly outweigh the other.

I did not know that there was a whole community of ladies (and some men!) out there who could relate to the things that I was saying. A supportive, wonderful, funny, talented, knowledgeable base of women who were already doing the things they loved without worrying about what others would say. I did not know that there was a whole community of ladies (and some men!) who would need the encouragement that I would provide, that would take the words that I would type and let them bolster their confidence and help them to do things that they may not have otherwise done, like get back into the saddle, start taking riding lessons at a public barn, or purchase their first horse in years.

So many things have come of this blog - so many positive things, that may not have happened without it - and I have benefited from it as well. I have developed more courage, more confidence and more character as a result of this blog. I have felt more love, shared more joy, and celebrated more successes of others as a result of this blog. I feel comfortable, excited and happy to share photos of myself, and I think there are others out there who feel the same way now, too.

I was reminded of why I started writing this blog in March, when I went to visit with my dear friend, Carina, and helped her rediscover the joy of riding. (I have to say, I was also pretty spoiled on this aspect because I got to ride a great horse and enjoy the lovely weather while doing it!)

I "met" the amazing Suzanne Wild, who wrote a guest blog for us, of Fuller Fillies who is facing the same potential for controversy that I do in writing my blog by creating her clothing line.

I have had many a personal revelation that aren't always horse related to share with my readers.

We developed the Forum where someone posted words that completely made my heart swell a couple of weeks ago - "I feel safe here." This is exactly what I had been hoping for, exactly what I had envisioned in beginning to share my journey with everyone. The forum has become a tight knit, supportive community for those who are foraying out for the first time into the world of horses, or who want to get back into it, or who are living it to the fullest. We encourage a community of respect and honesty and so far, have done well. I love those girls and there are parts of each of them that I aspire to be more like.

I love writing this blog. I love hearing the stories, receiving the emails, photos, and feedback from people who are living differently now or who are feeling differently about themselves. It is heartening to me to know that by simply sharing my fat horse with the world, that others are seeing things in a different light. This blog makes me feel safe.

So, a year later, Bronwyn and I want to thank everybody from the bottom of our hearts for the support, encouragement, and sometimes even the criticism to take a second look at what I am doing and how I am doing it and change things. Here's to many more years just like this one has been!

Learning not to fear the fall...

2010-11-28T09:29:00.006-04:00

I do kind of live life on the wild side once in a while.

The first time I ever rode Bronwyn bareback, she had been off for about two months. I had never ridden her bareback and it had been YEARS since I had ridden ANY horse bareback... but I thought to myself "Oh, why the heck not?" - the last time I had ridden her, we had parted ways unexpectedly due to the sudden levitation of a cat into an apple tree. I don't know what made me think it was a good idea to climb on without riding in a saddle first, but I did, and I was pretty dang proud of the two of us by the end of that ride:

As a side note, prior to the fall that I had prior to that picture, my last fall was ELEVEN years before. As you can tell, I have lucked out. It is easy for me to say "FACE YOUR FEARS!" and encourage people to ride and not worry about falling off - when I know there are those out there who have had serious injuries to their backs, their pelvises, their heads, etc, that don't find it that easy.

Anyways, all of this to say that I have gotten a little cocky. My little mare can be taken out pretty fresh and we can go for a jaunt without a bridle OR saddle now:

I kind of knew I was riding on borrowed luck from the first go round, which is why it didn't REALLY surprise me when I accomplished fall #3 from Bronwyn's back in a beautifully epic, but sadly unwitnessed front flip over her shoulder into the snow when I decided I HAD to ride my fresh mare who hadn't been turned out in about 12 hours, who had not been ridden in about two weeks in the fluffy snow that was falling. Did I mention I was wearing a horse-eating winter jacket that makes noise when you move around? No? Well, I was.

I also neglected to longe her prior to riding, and to bother with a bridle - I just had my rope reins attached to her halter. I was pretty much asking for it.

She was a little sticky about standing still while I mounted up, which is not very typical for this big beast. I eventually did find a low enough spot to stand her in to get my leg swung up over her but before I could get it all the way over and get myself settled onto her back, she started moving off - I was essentially laying on my stomach along her spine. When she veered left, I went right and landed on my back in the snow, laughing just a little bit.

I have kind of tried to take the attitude that "If I fall, I fall..." all along but that doesn't make falling too awesome. Fortunately, Bronwyn is also still of the mindset that I SHOULD be on her back, not on the ground, so she is always surprised when I land there and hasn't mastered the art of trying to GET me there. It's kind of cute how she is like "MOM! WHY are you on the ground?!??!?!?! *horrified look*"

Anyways... I'm doing alright this morning - my neck is a little stiff from the lash as I always try to protect my helmet from hitting the ground when I fall (awesome, right? LOL) and get a little bit of whiplash.

I managed to get back on after I fell (though I was pretty shaken up) and we had a nice little jaunt around the pasture just like we had intended originally. I wasn't afraid of falling again, because I managed to get out of that one...

But I am curious - those of you who have been hurt in a fall (broken bones, bedrest, hospital stay resulting, etc), how do you muster up the courage to get back on? In my lifetime with horses, I have never broken a bone or had a concussion or anything to that effect (knock on wood), but if I did, I am not sure I would still be brave. Let's talk about it in the comments!

I hate saddles!

2010-11-17T08:58:00.005-04:00

There has been a lot of discussion about saddles on the forum lately - the good, the bad, the ugly. One of the lovely ladies on the forum said "I love saddles!" - and all I could think was "I HATE saddles!".

Yeah, I do hate them. Right now, anyway. I am on saddle three, on an extremely limited budget, and trying to find something that fits both my big butt and long inseam as well as Bronwyn's mountainous withers and broad-as-a-coffee-table back has been a challenge that frustrates me. I've almost decided to give up on saddles altogether. I have been posting this photo around the internet and telling people I give up - I am just going to live in the woods with my horse and braid sticks into her mane and ride her around with no tack whatsoever and go wherever she wants, whenever she wants and completely forget about the concept of schooling or competing with her.

Honestly, I feel like my lack of a saddle that we feel comfortable in together has been a huge block to me getting any work done with her. I would say her training has really not progressed more than a step or two this summer due to a combined lack of time to invest into it and also the fact that when I do ride, I am scared to put any real significant amount of time on her, or to do anything strenous for fear of hurting her because of poor saddle fit. I can't work on my position because the saddles I have had don't allow me to get my leg under me. It's overall uncomfortable.

I have taken to riding bareback, primarily. I enjoy it - I look forward to it - probably because I am so uncomfortable in the saddle. I have ridden Bronwyn herself bareback more often in the last two years than I ever rode all of the horses I ever owned and rode in my childhood previous to Bronwyn put together. It's just comfortable that way.

That doesn't mean I wouldn't LIKE to find a saddle that I love. I'd love to find something that will change my mind. Unfortunately, the tack "scene" in our region is not the same as in other places. Sure, you can find lots of 18 or 19" seats... and you can once in a while find a reasonably priced "broadback" style saddle (though never seem to be as wide as Bronwyn needs!), but you rarely find something that fits both her AND I in one saddle in one place, anywhere near me, and in my price range. I can't go to a tack shop and sit in a variety of brand name saddles to see what fits me best or take something home from the consignment shop for a seven day trial. I will have no choice but to buy something from "away" and risk it not fitting, and pay the shipping both ways if it doesn't... IF there is a return option. I am just scared of making a mistake that I can't afford.

I want to put my pennies together and buy something great, designed for a broad backed horse with a seat to fit my butt but it seems like that is a long way in the future at the rate I am going now. I will bide my time, watch eBay, collect pennies out of the washing machine and eventually, I know I will own something that I will love.

In the meantime, you can find me in that treeline behind my roundpen, weaving alder branches into Bronwyn's mane!

Some housekeeping...

2010-11-12T08:17:00.003-04:00

A few things happening right now!

You can now access the blog simply by typing www.afatgirlafathorse.com - it will bring you right to this page. :)

Also, I changed the layout. Tell me what you think? I like that it is now streamlined with the forum and I have freed up a little space on one side to put some relevant advertising. I would love to be able to do some more contests and giveaways but, as the blog points out, I have three horses, so we all know with those, cash isn't always around. :) I will be straightforward and say that there WILL be some advertising on that side, but I will work my best to make it relevant (horse related and in most instances, companies that handle products and services relevant to plus sized riders) and attractive - and no more of those gross Google AdSense ads!

Another thing that I am really interested in doing is reviews of products that are useful to us, as plus sized riders - so don't be surprised if you see some of those.

This month marks the one year anniversary since I started writing this blog and I am hoping to have some fun on the Forum over the next couple of weeks.

Also! We are running a secret santa gift exchange and Christmas card exchange on the forum if anyone is interested - last call for submissions for that stuff is on Monday, the 15th.

And we are really looking forward to some "Winter Workshops" - I haven't ironed out the details of how they will actually be rolled out, but we are planning to pick topics to learn about and hammer down to learn lots of new stuff during the winter season when riding time and daylight is more limited.

Thanks for sticking around for the ride! :)

Proof that it's not always pretty and wonderful...

2010-11-01T12:50:00.007-03:00

For once, I am not bragging on Bronwyn!

I think sometimes I might put off the idea that Bronwyn is perfect and our relationship is without flaws, and if I do, I'm sorry - because I could have driven her somewhere and dropped her off for someone else to deal with this weekend! Despite my frustration, though, I learned a lesson or two - it seems when I am the most frustrated with her, I learn new lessons if I allow myself to calm down and consider the situation.

BUT before I get into the details, I wanted to make a big brag on my colt, Rex. For those who don't remember my colt, Rex, here is a picture of us from this summer:

I do have some pretty photographer photos of him from my friend, Jilly, but I try not to post them so much because when I do, I get abduction promises - most of the time, I wish people would just follow through, lol - I can't stand the disappointment when everyone threatens to steal him and then nobody shows up with a trailer! Haha. Probably best to show him in his "natural state" - aka dirty, and with a mane that I have set out to pull several times but never finished completely - note the different lengths along his mane. He is a son of my Angel, and a half sibling to my mare, Ari.

Anyways - Rex has never left the farm (remember, until this summer, we hadn't had a trailer in a long, long time!) - I think I might have loaded him onto a trailer once when we had borrowed a friend's to haul a horse to the vet lab but it was an open stock trailer. We planned to fill our trailer with 36 bales of square hay for temporary storage so before we did that, I wanted to take advantage of the trailer hooked to the truck and load him a couple of times. He never hesitated at the ramp, but did at getting all the way in a time or two - but without too much coaxing or cajoling, he was soon jumping right in like "what else is new?!" - I think he is going to be a fantastic trail gelding... *cough* once I get around to getting him started.

So my bragworthy horse this weekend was Rex. Not Bronwyn. Not by a long shot.

We have been trying to slowly integrate our new mare, Robin, into our herd. She is in foal and we are VERY excited about the baby so want to take things as carefully as we can. To say that Bronwyn has been less than accomodating about the new addition to the herd is an understatement. I firmly believe her obnoxious insistence on segregating her herd from anything or anybody potentially harmful (and yes, she will sometimes herd them away from me if I am trying to catch one of the other horses) stems directly from never having held a position of "importance" in a herd before. She isn't, by any stretch of the imagination, the "alpha" mare in our herd, but she likes to think she is, and takes it upon herself to do the things that Jessie (the REAL alpha in our herd) is too smart to expend the energy on when she can send her goon, Bronwyn, to do it instead.

After an excitable morning of some "faux alpha mare drama rama", I went out to catch the mares to come in for the evening - I was down with a cold that, while it didn't knock me flat on my back, did make me pretty draggy most of the weekend and I had had a long day of cleaning up and doing pre-winter chores. Though the mares were close, none of them wanted to come in so I started the task of collecting them one by one. I always start with Bronwyn because of her aforementioned tendancy to herd the other horses away from me. She was not always (and still isn't) an "easy" catch but I can usually track her down within two or three minutes with Julie Goodnight's method, slightly modified.

So I started to track her down the way I typically do - assertive forward motion toward her shoulder, steady, even pursuit. Bronwyn doesn't typically do the stopping and looking at me at all until she is completely done and ready - I can then approach her and halter her, etc. Instead of her walking or trotting away from me, I was met with a lot of this:

In all seriousness, I was out there for about 30 minutes, with THIS going on. Here's the kicker - I figured out "the big amazing lesson that Bronwyn has to teach me" about 29 minutes into it.

The more she moved, the more agitated I got - while my BODY was still doing the right thing (steady, consistent approach), my BRAIN was going "that HORSE... when I get my hands on her... I should work the CRAP out of her because she's working the crap out of me!" (and on and on, as it goes). You're right, that's a big fat dose of PRIDE going on there. The more angry I got, the more wound up she got, even though my body didn't change what it was doing fundamentally. I am willing to bet that the energy I was giving off STANK to the high heavens.

Finally, I checked myself and said "Wait a minute. What was that 'golden rule' my parents taught me? Ah, that's right - 'never take your emotions into the saddle'." While I am pretty good at not carrying emotions INTO the saddle, I sometimes develop emotions while I am in the saddle, and I am not known to void myself of emotions when doing ground work. There are a lot of things I have been super patient about with Bronwyn, but then there are some things (like the battle we had in August over trimming her ears that I was too embarrassed to post about because I was being a horrible, horrible person and knew so many of you would call me for letting my emotions get the best of me) that I just decide to prove my point over my hurt feelings and don't stop until I've made that point, regardless of the cost.

This was one of those times. I was going to chase her until she fell over from exhaustion unless she stopped and let me catch her. One way or the other, as I told my father, "She is GOING TO BE CAUGHT. DO NOT let her run in the barn!". Once I realized what I was doing (I would suspect instead of the typical approach, she was feeling me more like a heat seeking missile that wanted to decapitate her), I straightened up, dropped the 'tude, and guess what? 30 seconds after I dropped the emotions out of it, she let me catch her.

Humbled once again by a horse, of course.

Fall Colours Classic Country Trail Ride - October 23rd, 2010

2010-10-24T22:59:00.004-03:00

One of my friends from the draft under saddle club that I am involved with contacted the group that had gone on OUR club's first trail ride a few weeks ago to see if we were interested on going on the "Fall Colours Classic Country Trail Ride"...

Let me say that I have no perception. I could be standing in line for something for an hour and think I have only been there ten minutes if I don't have a clock to look at or vice versa. I also have no concept of what a mile looks like or feels like to travel nor could I appropriately guesstimate something at an inch or a foot or a yard. So, being told that the ride was 18km meant little to nothing to me. There were no warning signs that said "Do not attempt this if your horse is not in top shape!" nor were there any "don't forget your seat saver!" memos sent out. What I read said it would take 2-3 hours.

I guess I wasn't sure what to expect - on our ride before, we had gone as a group (there were only nine of us) and with the exception of two who broke off and went ahead, we stayed together the whole time. The path was pretty obvious and we had someone leading who knew where they were going.

At this ride, we left in groups (it felt kind of like The Amazing Race) after being prepped in the house and given a map. As we tacked up and were ready, groups left together. I rode with the friend who had invited me, one of my mom's clients, and another girl that had come on our draft ride - there were a couple of others - we were six in all.

Bearing in mind that this was only Bronwyn's second group trail ride ever, we set off single file into some tight woods. It was all pretty good - helmets are good for things besides protecting your head in a fall - they are also very excellent protectors against bushes and branches whipping you in the head... if you can put your face down in time!

We were warned that there was 'some water' on the trail... there turned out to be quite a few large puddles (would have been perfect for mudding on an ATV!) and a wee bit of running water. If I had been riding any one of the many stock horses I grew up riding, I would have still been back at the beginning of the ride trying to work through them but fortunately, Bronwyn doesn't seem to have much of a problem with water so she plowed through - in fact, I am surprised she didn't have gills and flippers when we got back!

We were also told that the trail actually tracked out at 15km. Our small group of six were overtaken by another group that passed us and with them, we lost our other draft club girl and her friend she had brought along so it was just my mom's client on her QH, her sister also on a QH and my friend on her Newfoundland pony for the majority of the ride.

We took a wrong turn SOMEWHERE and ended up on trail for about 4 hours. I am willing to bet we traveled 18km (or more) and we were all so sore on our bums that we were riding in two point position or (my personal favourite and my invention) the "dead man carry" in which I basically laid over my horse's neck to relieve the pressure on my bum. I also went about 1/4 of the ride with my feet out of the stirrups because my knees hurt and at some points sitting with my bum tucked under and my knees up by the pommel of the saddle like a jockey just to get them moving. There were also a few one-handed back stretches to try and keep my body functioning.

Despite my best efforts, when I dismounted, I was in a permanent crouching position and straightening to walk was pretty painful. Fortunately, when we got back to the house, they had waited for us to eat and we were plied with delicious chilli, salad and CAKE!

(The frosting was delicious!)

Overall, it was great exposure for Bronwyn. We walked the entire trail so while I am sure it was a strain on her, she seemed fine this morning and I am reasonably sure that I am the one who got the majority of the stiffness this morning. She went through lots of water, into some tight spots, heard gunshots, traveled close with other horses, through varied terrain - up hills and down, and overall, despite a couple of I-can't-believe-you-can't-just-trot-and-still-pay-attention-to-me moments, we had a wonderful experience and will, no doubt, return for next year's rendition!

Two weeks worth of updates!

2010-09-29T10:04:00.009-03:00

You are all going to get Internet cookies at the end of this because this run down of the last two weeks is going to be a long one!

Just give me a minute here, I need to mentally rewind... (that high pitched noise you hear is me rewinding my memory like an old fashioned VCR).

So rewind back to September 17th. I had vacation planned because my birthday was coming up (Monday, the 20th... a whole quarter of a century old, ack!), but things got waylaid earlier in the week when my sister's heart dog (German Shepherd with past issues of neglect and aggression that we have spent hundreds of dollars and hours trying to fix) had a lapse in her "good dog" behaviour that had been pretty consistent for about eight months, and attacked my sister's 17 pound miniature Australian shepherd. If the aggression had always stayed with outside dogs, we could have managed this, but unfortunately, when it happens within your 'pack', it is way more difficult - this was the third time we had had such an incident and unfortunately, my 17 year old sister had to make the completely unselfish decision to put her "Boodleschnitzel" to sleep.

I have mentioned here before how amazing and awesome and wonderful that I think my sister is, but I should mention it again. Everything inside of her was screaming that she couldn't live without Bella but her common sense won over and she made a difficult decision. Bella was put to sleep on the farm with Shay and I holding her tightly and telling her what a good dog she was. I still get teary thinking of it!

Bella spent her last morning romping in our back field with her two best friends, Psyche (Shay's border collie) and Morrie (my 35lb mini Aussie). Here is a picture that I snapped of Shay with Bella and Psyche that morning:

I am so incredibly proud of her for making the right decision, even though it wasn't easy and it was breaking her heart. Bella's remains came home this past weekend (we had her cremated) and I think Shay is doing really well coping with a big German Shepherd sized hole in our household. She knows she did everything she could and we had well and truly exhausted all of our options over the last three years.

The next day, Shay took off for an agility trial she had planned - while all she really wanted to do was curl up and grieve, mom insisted it would be a better idea for her to go with Psyche to run agility and try to take her mind off of things. I would have loved to have been with her, but we had already planned (months ago!) the very first event for our local "Draft Under Saddle" club - a trail ride and potluck!

There was some road riding (about 1km at each end of the trail) that worried me a little bit, but I have to say that Bronwyn surprised me as she always does and took to it like an old pro. We rode at the back, we rode mid pack and we rode at the front, and even were overtaken by a group of motorcycles at which point - I was bracing for it to hurt, Bronwyn didn't even bat an eyelash!

You can see the rest of the album on my Facebook here.

We had a complete blast - Bronwyn was actually one of the smallest horses there, and got made fun of for her small hoof size and the fact that though I am 6' tall, I had to look UP at a lot of the riders, haha - with the exception of the Newfoundland Pony and Standardbred that were with us!

Overall, I was so proud of Bronwyn. She had her first opportunity to really ride on the road, in a group, be overtaken by traffic, ride close, through a deep wood, and stand tied to a trailer, and she took everything in stride. It has started to occur to me that "Hey, I have a fun little horse that I can take places and not worry too much about!".

That Monday, the 20th (my birthday), my father had his long awaited surgery for his torn rotator cuff (he tore it back on June 22nd and worker's comp has been trying to get things back in shape via PT - when it became obvious that it couldn't be done that way, they scheduled the surgery). All along, he had been doing things in the barn as well as he could with about 1.5 arm's worth of value... since the surgery, he is up in a sling, so one armed. Things got a little crazy with getting up at 6 to get chores done then getting home around 7:30pm and doing chores and all that silliness. I rode Bronwyn a grand total of maybe three times during the week and once it was more or less in the dark, and then we fast forward to this past weekend - Bronwyn's first show under saddle!

This marked a first for me, too - which is hauling a horse. I have traveled with many a hauler in my lifetime, and ridden enough miles in the passenger seat with a horse trailer behind to have a pretty good grasp of how you are supposed to drive with a horse in the trailer... but it certainly is different when you have your baby behind you! Dad came along with me for moral support but due to his surgery, but could not drive (though he did take his sling off and back me out of a sticky hole I had driven into when we were ready to leave)... it was really helpful to have him along because, well, I am a chronic worrier. I hear a tiny bit of movement or feel it and I am freaking. It was nice to have dad along to kind of go "that's okay, she is just readjusting after this turn".

Bronwyn is truly becoming an old pro at this trailering thing. She loads up pretty quickly - the only thing I don't like is that I can't get into the compartment ahead of her and make her back down slowly - we remedied that by removing the chest bumper when I am ready to unload (ours were just bars so we replaced it with rope, bolts, and a pool noodle. It won't stop her if we were to stop hard, hard, hard, but it's a nice soft place for her to balance) and I walk back with her telling her to be easy.

Anyways, I am getting off on a tangent! THE SHOW!

It was held at Callandar Hall Equestrian and organized by a really fantastic gal named Leah who was super, super helpful and really supportive to me. Their fall training show, she told me, is the biggest event of the year for some of their students, so I was pleased to be able to take part in it. She somehow convinced me to enter something called "pole equitation", which... well, I had no idea what it is and Bronwyn had never seen ground poles, so... total cinch, right? We went over a ground pole in the indoor arena while warming up a couple of times and that went alright, then went up to the main ring.

Surprise! They were between standards... like real, actual jumps - just with the bars all knocked. Oh my!

The first pole... well, I don't have a video of that, but she clipped it with her front hooves, I think, and rolled it up her back legs and then took a big jump and scared herself (and me, a little). I told Leah "I don't know if we can do this". Eventually, we worked through things but not before she did what one of my Facebook fans called the "politest refusal ever":

The actual class looked like this:

We were only two in the class and I won it - but I think it's mostly only because the little girl I was against had a hard time remembering the pattern. :)

We then participated in green horse w/t - which, well... let's say Bronwyn was more green than the other horse in the class (!), and then an intermediate rider w/t/c. Bronwyn had pretty much lost her mind in the green horse w/t class (rushy, pushy, and ignoring many of my aids), so I was riding very... um... proactively and aggressively in the w/t/c class and it's hard to have good equitation when you're having trouble with your horse! When they asked for the canter, she picked up the wrong lead (for the first time, ever - seriously), and the three good strides she got at the correct lead were, fortunately, right in front of the judge. I placed 5th/6, and I kind of feel like it might have been a pity placing so I didn't feel like I got horribly beaten by every child in the class.

From pictures, I recognize I need to get my hands up out of my crotch!

And the good one - mid poop!

Guest Blog: Fuller Fillies

2010-09-19T10:30:00.001-03:00

We’re just back from the ‘good old US of A’ having had a month long tour taking in business and pleasure and the thing that always strikes me when I’m there is the difference between the English Trade and the American/Canadian Trade; the Consumers are pretty much the same the world over- yes their tastes differ but largely (no pun) they are happy if they can buy flattering, comfortable clothing at a good price- but the Trade is a whole different ball game!

I have recently been recalling our rise to fame in the UK to see if I can apply any of the learning from it to develop the US/Canadian Trade...

Many of you know the story; 39 years old coming back to riding with ‘extra padding’ led to a rather ‘tiddly’ (it was Christmas 2005) me deciding to dust down the Fashion Degree and design my own collection. Having worked in Sales, Marketing, Advertising & Business Consultancy I thought that I had all the bases covered – Hubby was a Financial Consultant which was, and remains, just as well because all I care about is how much I have to spend!

‘The bases’ were far from covered however, because neither of us had any in-depth knowledge of Manufacture which is pretty key to getting a Collection made really. But I knew a man who knew more than me and that was a good start. He arranged a meeting with a team of other men which should have set the alarm bells ringing right away... “Now then Ms (pronounced Mzzz) Wild, you are wanting to produce a range for big girls, of course this will have to be done at a premium because bigger clothing is a different ball game because it means more stitching and we have to pay someone to do that stitching!” I considered this for a moment... “Exactly how many more stitches are we talking here?” “Oh probably 100 or so...” “...which takes approximately 1 second to do on a machine...?” I continued; anyway, needless to say that I decided they had just spotted a chance to make a quick buck and with no intention of bringing out a premium-cost Brand I showed them the door.

Following much research the launch collection went into production the following year and we stood at the UK Trade show, BETA. I was amazed at how many people told me how ‘risqué’ they thought the idea was – let’s be clear here – not ‘risky’...‘risqué’. Apparently, talking about big bottoms and boobs amounts to something close to Swedish porn which clearly should be kept in brown paper bags (you understand I have no personal knowledge of what I’m talking about here...) Anyway, I have what we call a ‘warped sense of humour’ and had this thought ‘I’ll show them risqué!”

The next month I launched the ‘nude filly’ advertising campaign. A whole raft of ads with my size 20 model wearing nothing but her hat and boots and the caption ‘2 million riders had nothing to wear – until now’ – all done very tastefully you understand!

The response from the rest of the Industry (our ‘competitors’) was nearing hysteria. The best was when I got a call from an Irish magazine, “Suzanne, if I offered you a full page ad. For £30 would you be interested?” Of course the answer was yes and I had to ask why; “Well a certain Brand has just pulled their advert because they don’t want to be seen next to your ad – apparently he knows fat girls exist but doesn’t want to see them with no clothes on”. What the owner of this very high-profile brand didn’t know was that the Editor was a size 22 and took his remarks VERY personally! It transpired there were many plus-sized Editors working in the industry so we got a fair amount of publicity with that nude plastered in every magazine the length and breadth of the country. It was most certainly different – but hell it worked!

There is one difference between British and US/Canadian consumers and it surrounds the horses you ride; over here if you weigh more than 11 stone you are expected to ride a Draught Horse – riding a pony or thoroughbred could get you lynched! My ‘Fluffy Lillies’ got very excited over a letter in the BHS magazine one month, a lady had written in saying she would love to ride her Fell pony but, at a size 22 couldn’t find clothing to fit her – why were her needs different to her skinny friends? The response had been deafening; how dare this fat b***h ride a pony – didn’t she care about its welfare? Big women were a burden to the tax payer because if they fell off their horses they would need an air ambulance to take them to hospital – I could go on!

The Editor who, it has to be said, has a fondness for well-padded ladies, offered me the right to reply on behalf of XLovely ladies everywhere – and I did. Three pages. Suddenly, big women had a voice and the mail bag was over-spilling for the next 6 months. You can’t buy publicity like that. The magazine had seen nothing like it , which is pretty much the definition of different...
Fuller Fillies became recognised as the authority on the subject of plus-sized clothing in the UK and I have always been the first to defend the needs of my Fluffy Lillies – and I expected it all to start over when we accidentally launched in the USA. What a difference!

Yes, its true, the USA was accidental. OK, it was in the plan for sometime in 2011 however, in January 2008 I got a call from an American lady buyer asking if we were standing at BETA the following month; we weren’t but arranged to meet to discuss the Collection, at the venue. When she arrived with her CEO she brought the proofs of their next catalogue which had half a page of our product already in there – the easiest sale I ever made!

The lady was from SmartPak, by the next catalogue we had two pages and by the next they had become our Wholesale Distributor; a whole different project for them. This is what brought us to America, and to AETA...

I bolstered myself and waited for the tirade of abuse from Retailers aghast that we were encouraging ‘fat girls to ride poor horses’. It didn’t happen – in fact far from it. “You only go up to a size 24 – what’s that in American a size 22? You need to go bigger!” And then there’s my favourite from this last AETA show when I was approached by a lady from Texas, “You got any low-rise britches?” Taken aback by the request I explained that as a plus-sized brand this would not be a good thing as it would dissect the tummy and nobody wants two tummies! “You need to make low-rise britches – they all want them.” An hour later I had established that she had not been asked for low-rise britches by anyone over a size 8 however she thought it would be a good idea – she now seems to be having all of her friends email me on a daily basis asking if we do a low-rise style. Presumably they will wear them with Riding Thongs – something else that we are never likely to produce! Some differences need to be preserved.

Bringing Fuller Fillies to market was always going to provide us with a challenge; what we didn’t realise is how different the challenges would be depending where you are in the world – and they don’t come from Consumers, rather the people who have set themselves up to service the consumer and like to think they know what they’re doing; you can rely on us Ladies but your local tack store might need some education...

Sometimes differences can be perceived that don’t exist and this brings me full circle. Since our launch we have been plagued with requests for us to do a long boot that will accommodate big calves; after 5 years of toil and an office full of ‘comedy boots’ we perfected our Dress Boot in time for AETA in January. We displayed it with pride and were told repeatedly that it wouldn’t sell over there because everyone wanted Field Boots. We hurriedly had 1000 pairs made with elastic laces and what do you know – the Dress boot is outselling the Field Boot 2:1!

At the end of the day we embrace difference; our consumers aren’t just scaled up versions of their size zero sisters – they are different; our clothing isn’t just copies of what is out there already for standard sizes, we design what our Consumers want – that’s very different. And our Consumers are the BEST whether they are in the UK, the USA, Canada or Croatia (and before you ask, yes we do sell to Croatia...) – and why? Because they are big, beautiful and oh so very different!

Viva la difference!

Written for ‘A Fat Girl & A Fat Horse’ by Suzanne Wild, Designer & Managing Director Fuller Fillies Limited. – another fat girl.
www.fuller-fillies.com

What you need

2010-09-16T08:56:00.002-03:00

Sometimes, I think, horses sense what we need, ultimately, over what we necessarily want. There have been countless times that I have been in need of comfort, in need of confidence, in need of security, and I have gone to the barn. Sometimes a horse that doesn’t naturally display the personality that would be conducive to offering this support has a brief moment where they stand still for a second longer than they would, or they nuzzle their face into your neck, which is completely out of character, just when you really need it the most. Sometimes I wish that humans were as sensitive to the needs and moods of others as horses are. Horses don’t ask “What’s wrong?” (which we all know doesn’t help things when you are hurting or grieving), they ask “Does this help?”.

Without going into too many details, I can say that everyone on the farm is having a very rough time right now. On top of the daily stresses of life, we are facing some difficult decisions, and to top things off, a corporation has been clear cutting a property that runs parallel to our home at all hours of the day and night. I have been told I have no right to be upset as it’s not our property, but all night with the saws, the lights of their machines reflecting off of our bedroom walls, the sounds of the forest being taken down methodically, until there is nothing left. I used to imagine that unicorns lived in that forest. It has been there since my father was a child.

Last night, I just needed something. I wasn’t sure what it was. I have been so busy with life and everything else for the last couple of weeks that I am pretty sure it had been a week since I had even put my hands on Bronwyn, let alone ridden her. She made me walk clear to the top of the hill in our pasture to catch her and she was just wound, snorting, taking off, difficult to catch.

I finally caught her and brought her down to the barn and got the idea into my head that I just needed to feel a connection with a living being, with as little interference as possible. I put her bridle on and headed out without her saddle. I finally slid up onto her (she is getting wider and wider, I guess my goal to help her lose weight has been falling to the wayside lately!) and rode to the crest of the little knoll in our paddock. We sat silently, perfectly still, watching the lights of the machines just beyond the tree line for quite some time. Just the feeling of her breathing under me, the tiny movements of her body as she settled and shifted, the frisson that started toward the end of her ribs when she saw a cat coming to us through the waning light and then settled again. Occasionally, she would turn her head and nudge my knee just as if to say “I’m still right here”.

Normally, Bronwyn can be a bit of a pill bareback. She moves, a lot, she rushes sometimes… last night she was calm, quiet, on a loose rein with her head down, patiently standing when I needed her just to be still.

My sister saw me and came out and asked what I was doing, just standing there, not riding, just sitting on my horse.

“Why are you doing that?”

“It feels good. You want some?”

She declined the offer (though I frankly think she needed it more than I did), and we had a good heart to heart. Again, Bronwyn stood still, like she was taking in the conversation, even when a couple of cats came tearing by her in the twilight.

Next week? Might be different. But last night, she was intrinsically in tune to exactly what I needed, and for that I am grateful.

---

By the by, while I am dealing with these issues that are happening right now, I am planning to post a guest blog entry that was written graciously for me by a wonderful person. :)

Black Bile Monster Girl / Not-so-horse-related

2010-09-08T10:01:00.006-03:00

I have another mid-week confessional.

I know most of you think I am a perfect, wonderful, faultless, caring individual (hahahahaha!). Let me tell you a secret... I'm not. I have been known to fall into the gossip trap, love to read celebrity "news" magazines and enjoy hearing about drama as long as it's not happening to me. I do make a concentrated effort not to be an outwardly hurtful person but sometimes find myself making remarks in my head about things that if I said out loud would be completely completely unacceptable.

**I think I want to really clarify here that I love my blog readers and forum posters and they should not worry about sharing things with me - the things that I mostly talk about in my head are people who I sometimes consider to be "stupid" - being a fat girl on a horse myself, I think it is wonderful and encouraging and beautiful to see other plus sized riders sharing what they are doing!**

I believe that voice in my head is directly related to the one that sometimes looks at a picture of me riding and says "OMG, look at how you're crushing that horse!" or "Why would that ridiculously-good-looking man even say 'hello' to you? You're not even close to pretty enough to be in his league, AND you're fat!" A lot of the time, I have a great confidence level - a lot of the time, I can be inspiring and encouraging to my readership, but sometimes I go through what I call "black moods", where I just cannot make myself happy no matter what way I slice it.

I think I am afflicted to a lesser degree than some others... after all, those moods are fleeting and usually pass within a day or two (or sometimes even over the span of a good nap or time for personal meditation), I recognize that they are not healthy and I make every attempt to keep myself from spreading that bile and negativity to those around me, particularly those that look to me for encouragement and support. When that "Black Bile Monster Girl" comes to visit, I try to keep her locked up in my bedroom.

I firmly believe that MY Black Bile Monster Girl, while she has never manifested herself like this, is a direct relative (maybe descendant?) of the part that is inside of people that cause them to write these precious nuggets:

YOU FAT COW, HOW DARE YOU MAKE A HORSE DO THAT!!!!
YOU CAN CAUSE A HORSE PERMANT DAMAGE BY FORCING THEM TO DO THAT!!!!! YOUR SUCH A ASTUPID FAT COW, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU CALL YOURSELF A HUMAN!!!! YOU NEVER DO THAT TO A HORSE!!!!!

(To those wondering, this was a comment in response to my video: Bronwyn's Brief Repetoire of Tricks, and I believe, but am not entirely sure that it was in reference to me demonstrating how I was teaching her to bow, by lifting a foot and gently encouraging her to stretch long in the back and slide down onto the knee. She also left a nice nugget on my riding video from November saying that I needed to get off the horse because I was going to "crush it!" -- almost a year later, horse is still not crushed, damnit!)

I never, never, EVER want my Black Bile Monster Girl to turn into ... well, whatever mutant spewed the above writing from inside of what I am sure is often times a relatively civil, reasonable person. NEVER.

I do, however, tend to gossip, and say what I really think to people that aren't the people I am thinking those things about... I dislike confrontation. But imagine how big the confrontation would be if someone found out I was saying those things behind their back instead of trying to word my opinions in a way that is truthful but respectful and maybe hurting some feelings, but at least being honest and true to my word. I think this is a good first step to silencing the Black Bile Monster Girl before she starts to hurt other people in addition to the way she sometimes hurts me.

And on the other hand, even though I know that the person who wrote that comment is probably just a sad, selfish girl who doesn't have her own horse, and is sadly uneducated - her Little Mutant Girl hurt me - as much as you try to deflect the things that other people say, even when you know that the things they are saying are not true... it still hurts. But, if her Little Mutant Girl is hurting other people like that... imagine what it's doing to HER insides! I wouldn't want to see it.

This blog entry was inspired by the 40 Day Inner Mean Girl Cleanse - they also do an Inner Mean Girl Reform School which looks pretty dang tempting.

I try not to be naggy, but...

2010-09-01T13:53:00.004-03:00

I thought this was worth a mention. I know many of my readers are re-riders or having confidence issues, so I thought I would mention that Tack Of The Day has Troxel Legacy helmets for $34.95 and Troxel Spirit helmets of $29.95. That's less than $30 to protect your noggin and potentially save your life in the event of a fall! The deal is only on for 24 hours, so hurry!

Can you afford NOT to?

Show Update: ETSA Show, August 28th, 2010

2010-08-31T14:53:00.009-03:00

Well, I survived!

Wow, was this ever... something else. It had been about seven years since I had last shown a horse - and that would have been Angel, my palomino and white APHA mare that I lost four years ago to the day on August 28th, the day I was showing Bronwyn. I think there was a big bunch of emotion kind of causing trouble, which is the big reason why I was so nervous, but it fortunately disguised itself as nerves and excitement instead of grief so I managed to make my way through the weekend without too much trouble.

First of all, I need to say - my sister is great. She is 17, for those who I haven't already drilled that into a bajillion times, and I have to say she is one of my best friends. We are so alike that she can usually tell what is going on in my brain - so when she volunteered to stay with me overnight, I was stoked.

I ended up having a wild and crazy week (my best friend of TWENTY YEARS (holy cow, we're getting old!) was visiting from far-far-away and I wanted to spend as much time with her as possible) and so was completely unprepared come Friday morning to go show the next day. My horse hadn't been bathed in three weeks (!! When you show paints, which I used to do, bathing the night before a show is verrrrrrrry important!), I had absolutely NOTHING packed. By the sheer graciousness of her wonderfulality (yes, I made that one up on my own), she agreed to pack my things so that I could just wrap my horse, load and go once I got home from work Friday night. I sent her a list (her: "this is NOT A SHORT LIST!" me: "Did I say it was a short list? Sorry!") and she laundered, folded, packed, loaded and rolled (bandages!) all day while I was at work. When I got home, all I had to do was put on my boots, wrap my horse and load her.

So, I put on my sneakers, wrapped my horse, and loaded her. (Do you see something missing here?)

Annnywhoo... she gave me a little trouble loading (granted, this was only her second trip out), which was only exacerbated by the fact that I was supposed to meet my farrier at 8:30 to trim her feet up a little to make them look spiffy, but we eventually got her on, my dad in the truck, myself and Shay in the van and we headed out. She hauled easy, like she did last time - she's actually a lot more levelheaded than I often give her credit for - and unloaded easily. Even though it was dark when we landed, she was relatively quiet and at ease - not terrorized. Farrier rasped her feet down and shaped them up for me, and we put her into her stall.

It was her first experience with an open top stall, and the first box stall she had been in in a while - so naturally, I was anxious - was she going to try to jump out over the door? Was she going to spook and freak and tread all night?

I started to relax when she finally felt comfortable enough to poke her head over the door and watch the goings-on - she was really zen - dad thought we ought to have the top door closed but I thought it much better for her to be able to look around and take her surroundings in. When she got zen, I started to get zen! (Thank goodness!)

Originally, we had planned to pitch our tent and sleep in the tent but ended up getting an extra stall and sleeping next door to her on an air mattress - it was the only way I could sleep well, and I slept light, heard everything she did, but felt satisfied knowing that I was right there in case anything happened. The next morning, we got up bright and early to find that Bronwyn wasn't as dirty as I had thought and I could make do with just washing her tail and taking a damp shammy to her hooves, thank goodness!

And so this was the turnout:

(Not too shabby if I do say so myself! The horse, I mean!)

We were entered in halter mares, which was the first class, and open showmanship (I realized after the fact that I probably could have entered novice instead of open and not been against, oh, you know, professionals!). I didn't expect anything out of the halter class as it was also an intro QH show, which means open classes AND pointed AQHA classes, all judged by an AQHA judge. Very graciously, the judge used Bronwyn and put her 5th of 7, above even a QH! (The only other non-stock horse was a percheron/QH cross!)

(with our snazzy 5th place ribbon!)

Besides not being able to set up too quickly, and giving me quite a lot of trouble right up until the point that the judge came to inspect, she was really well behaved - the proximity to the other horses didn't bother her and she trotted out and walked alongside as I asked (she has a tendency to enjoy walking single file behind me when I give her the option). I didn't expect a ribbon, but it was a nice touch! Unfortunately, they didn't have the horse names/numbers, so they just called by number and they didn't announce her rad show name (The Bee's Knees).

Our next class was showmanship. I notoriously hate showmanship because pattern classes like that depend on the handler and I have never given myself much credit as far as polish and snazz go.

Yes, she bent in my 180, and yep, I actually had her stood up that way for inspection, and I still managed a 3rd out of 7. They combined this class with an AQHA class, so they called two placings and when I was not in the open placings, I left the ring. Shortly thereafter, the steward came running up to tell us it had been an error (I was not upset about not placing, I felt like I was a hot mess in there, but I was disappointed that they never got to announce Bronwyn's show name over the loudspeaker!), and I had actually placed 3rd. I felt bad for the people I bumped out, but... um... hello, ribbon! :-D Haha.

After that, we puttered around in the warmup ring under saddle - Bronwyn did not think that the cannibalistic horse wearing a hood was funny, no matter how humorous I found it to be. Then she cooled out, we loaded up and she jumped right on the trailer, much to my delight. Trailered home like a pro. All of my nerves were useless - she was an absolute superstar!

Sunday, we went for a nice, relaxing trail ride with Shay and she got a bath... have I mentioned lately that I love my horse?

But the big moral of this story is that... even after 7 years off... even being a hot mess with a horse that's not the "right breed" and a body that doesn't quite fit in (check out that showmanship lineup, man was I out of place!)... you can still have a freaking blast - I hope everyone has these same kinds of local open shows you can go to and show and HAVE FUN at. If not, find them!

Bittersweet

2010-08-20T14:50:00.003-03:00

August 28th.

I realized today as I filled out and mailed the entry forms for the horse show I am going to attend with Bronwyn on August 28th that it will be four years since I lost Angel on that day. I know I have talked about Angel before on the blog... it is hard for me to convey the level on which I am still stirred when I think of her. In fact, I'm fighting a few tears here at my desk at work right now.

When I lost Angel, I went looking for someone to replace her. At first, I told myself I would train and then sell Bronwyn because no horse could ever take the place of Angel. Eventually, B taught me that there is room for the both of them in there, and the thought of losing Bronwyn tears me as much as the feeling of having lost Angel.

I think it will be a fitting tribute to Angel that I should show my first show since I lost her on that date. It will be my first show in 7 years, it will be Bronwyn's first show ever. We are entered in halter mares and showmanship at this point in time. We may post enter for English pleasure if we can make her canter pleasurable between now and then (it was getting pretty good last night) and the stars align with a borrowed hunt coat. My biggest goal for this is experience - for her to get out there and experience the bustle of the show grounds, for her to spend her first night "away" from home since I got her. If we don't show under saddle, I plan to ride her around the grounds just to get her used to that, too.

With all of that said... sometimes I wish that I could be something MORE for you readers. I wish that I had some kind of real talent or skill, that Bronwyn was some kind of amazing horse and that we were at the top levels of competition so I could inspire. I grapple between feeling bad about that, and then alternately thinking "You know, I am going through the same things that most of my readers are going through, and it's nice for them to know I'm going through it with them rather than looking down from a higher spot at them."

I still struggle with my horse and my emotions, the realistic economical challenges of owning and enjoying horses, as well as everything else that goes with it. I think the majority of my readers find themselves there, too. I relate to so many of the great stories and posts we have in our forum. I love you guys.

I'm not very coherent, either. Oh bother!

More housekeeping...

2010-08-16T10:38:00.005-03:00

I promise I will have a "real" entry here soon! In the meantime, I wanted to mention a couple of things!

Many of you who know me on Facebook and on the forum already saw this information, but I took Bronwyn to her first parade on Saturday! She hasn't been off the farm since I got her three years ago, and this was a local community parade that took off not far from home - so I walked her to the event (even though we have a new-to-us trailer we have yet to christen with it's first ride, see below!), in the parade and back.

She did GREAT. I was soooo pleased, and we won 2nd out of 6 in the horse division, and beat a cute kid on a pony with dixie cups sewn into her mane. I did put some thought/effort into my presentation, though. The theme of the parade was "Colour Your World"... what do you do with a BLACK horse that needs to be colourful? Why, dress it up as a My Little Pony, of course!

And - the loot! We won a Calgary Flames tshirt, and coupons for an ice cream sandwich & bag of chips at the fair, as well as a free A&W root beer. Do I now get to say I own a prize winning horse? LOL!

About the trailer! It was a complete twist of fate - most who know me know I have been on the hunt for something for a long time but my budget is very tight and it is hard to have appropriate trailer + money + time all in the same place at once... we stopped by per chance to visit an old friend of ours from the horse world and about a week later, came home with this:

It's not much, but it means I no longer have to live in horsey exile - so when we plan for a show, we can now go to one! (And psst, we have one planned for the 28th, which I will appear at, come hell or high water!) We live about 30 minutes from anyone else with horses and aren't on the way to anything else, so trailering costs minimum $75-$100, usually more. Finally, I can just say "hey, let's hit the trail in the next town" and be able to do it!

And last but DEFINITELY not least, I guest blogged this week at my friend/cousin/sister (I don't know what to call her but I love her dearly!)'s blog. She is in the process of starting up a really cool women's gallery and meeting space in Toronto... it is an admirable and super inspiring project and she had guest bloggers all month. I blogged on Saturday the 14th. You can check it out here:

That's Women's Work, Inc

Have a good week, guys! I will be back with something, soon - I PROMISE!

Ride-A-Day Challenge & Housekeeping

2010-08-04T11:38:00.004-03:00

A couple of little housekeeping things!

I am so, so, so, SO excited to have a new, “permanent” home for the forum – it can now be found at http://www.afatgirlafathorse.com/forum - how exciting to have a .com to play with! Eventually, we will have the blog moved over onto the .com and we can go from there – there are so many options open to us, it’s exciting! None of this could have been made possible without my dear friend, photographic guru, general internet/website design goddess, Jill Renton of Scuffed Boots, who is also responsible for the beautiful professional photos I have posted here!

As for the forum – yes, you will have to sign up again, yes, all of our posts are gone, and yes, I am still planning to trim the accounts that don’t make any posts in order to keep us safe and comfortable. But also – NO, we won’t have any ads and NO, we won’t have to worry about downtime with no backups.

On to other things…

The Ride-A-Day Challenge!

I talked about this a bit in the forum but I have never really had the opportunity to elaborate. I realized a few days ago that I really have a wealth of resources in my hands – I have not one, but THREE horses to ride (I also have a completed 90,000 word romantic suspense manuscript that is so ready for someone to take it and publish it!), and I’m not doing anything about it (nor the manuscript). So, hand-in-hand, I am launching the “Query-A-Day” and “Ride-A-Day” challenge to myself, and to anyone else who wants to follow along (for the Ride-A-Day, anyways – I realize you can’t send query letters to agents without a manuscript, or, you know, an idea for a book!).

The parameters of the challenge are such – I need to at least SIT on a horse’s back five times per week. Ideally, I would be riding and working a horse SEVEN days a week, but I commute 1 hr each way to work and am gone 12+ hours out of the day, plus work a job on the weekends… so I have to allow myself something here or there to recover! If I ride twice in one day, I can use that “extra” ride at another point during the same week to count as a ride when I might need a day off.

Right now, things are a little difficult because Ari is out of commission (stone in her frog turned into abscess and she’s just blown off a big chunk of her frog – she’s on the way toward better, though!), and Rex is… well, not broke. As far as broke horses, I have the two options of Bronwyn and then my sister’s little mare, Jessie. SURELY, in a barn of FIVE riding sized and aged horses, I can find SOMETHING to ride any given day of the week!

I don’t know how long I will be carrying on the challenge or if I might change anything, but I am inviting my forum readers and my blog readers to participate and challenge yourself, within what is reasonable, to ride as often as you can. Maybe we’ll make t shirts!

With that said, I thought I would share a picture or two of some of my rides this last week.

Saturday morning, I decided to try bareback + “bridleless” (technically just bitless as it was a rope halter with reins attached!)… just to see if I could. Granted, it was just in the roundpen, but my mare didn’t go too bad for a green broke mess!

Also, a shot of the new saddle I am currently trying out… it is much better than what I had, so the plan is to keep it for now (because I can trade my mom’s work for it as well) and save up money for something better. We have always handled our horses (through the purchase of different bloodlines to incorporate into our breeding program, our equipment, showing, etc) on the philosophy that you buy the best you can afford and continue to upgrade, providing what you’re using is not detrimental. So… the saddle doesn’t quite fit me, but it fits me BETTER than my last one, and it fits Bronwyn a LOT better than the last one, and if I didn’t have it, I wouldn’t have a saddle at all – and wouldn’t be able to put the work into her that she needs, and riding isn’t a possibility at all because she is obese… and that is that. Meanwhile, saving my pennies for something else!

So much to say...

2010-07-23T10:41:00.000-03:00

So much has been going on in the last couple of weeks – many times, I have tried to sit down and write about it, but I can’t seem to get my heart into it.

Wednesday of last week (the 14th), I had my first lesson with my new coach, who comes to my place to work with Bronwyn and I. She has started many a horse and carried a very successful Appaloosa breeding program and competed at the National level with her horses. I have known her my entire life (actually, I have my existence to owe to her as she was the one who introduced my mother to my father!), and enjoy her company and value her opinion. The lesson went very well. At the end of it, both Bronwyn and I had relaxed significantly and both of us were moving pretty well – Bronwyn with her head down, relaxed, carrying herself even on a loose rein. We worked on getting her off the forehand, balancing out some transitions (because she rushes quickly into upward transitions), and other things. I am also trying out a new-to-me wide saddle on trial. So far so good, but things have been so hectic the last week or so that I haven’t been able to ride in it more than 2 or 3 times.

That night after the lesson, I was preparing to drive my coach home on a road I have driven a million times before. My father kept insisting that he come, and I tried my hardest to get rid of him – all I wanted to do was analyze my ride with my coach the whole way… but I couldn’t get rid of him. It’s funny how, in retrospect, you see that things are the work of something much larger and more significant in this world than you are. As we were driving my coach home, we struck a large cow moose with our Dodge Caravan. My father was at the wheel, and had the foresight to drive defensively enough that we ended up with absolutely no injuries and very minimal damage to the vehicle (in fact, I drove it to work the next morning). Anyone who lives in an area that is populated with moose knows that there are few instances when someone walks away from a meeting with a moose. Believe in God or don’t believe in God, but it was no accident that my father insisted on coming and was at the wheel – I would not have been able to think quickly enough to hit her the way that he did, which saved our lives. If I had been driving, there may not have been anymore blog entries, ever.

I was reminded how lucky I actually was on Monday morning when I received a call at work informing me that our 4H club’s dairy leader was killed in an accident involving a moose early that morning. It happens that quickly. I, along with a plethora of other 4H leaders and members, not only in our club but across the province and into other provinces, even, was heartbroken. The past week has been very stressful – his oldest son is in my light horse project and was very close to his father – this has been extremely hard on him and his two sisters and brother, all of which were 13 and under.

This is an article about the kind of man that he was.

The rest of last week was spent kind of trying to get back on kilter. The funeral was yesterday. I was told this morning that I looked more like myself than I had all week. You just don’t realize how quickly it can happen.

So, while this isn’t “fat horse” related, ladies (and gentlemen who may be reading), please drive carefully, love deeply and appreciate life (and those around you who are important to you) to the fullest.

Moving!

2010-07-23T10:37:00.002-03:00

So, as many of you know, our forum is down.

The company that I hosted it with for free went under, it would seem. Unfortunately, there were no backups, and no chance of recovering old screen names or posts. I haven't had the time to be upset about it with a lot of things going on in my life at the moment, but I do have some exciting news to share:

WE ARE GETTING OUR OWN WEBSPACE!

And by that, I mean, we will be at www.afatgirlafathorse.com -- with our own forum so I can make backups and take care of any issues (AND choose whether or not we have ads, woot!)... the blog will also be hosted on our domain, and this will also allow us to move in some other directions with this whole thing. It's exciting, be excited!

It is happening soon -- it may take another week or two to work out design issues for the main page but the first thing I plan to do is get the forum up and running again, so that we can at least be able to chat while construction is going on.

Forum Woes...

2010-07-14T10:25:00.001-03:00

Hey Ladies!

It looks like the forum is down, but don't despair! I am looking into things and will keep you all updated. You can check out the Facebook fanpage if you need to get your need to chat out! :)

Thanks for your patience!
Amanda

The way that horses heal...

2010-07-09T09:32:00.002-03:00

As discussed on The Land Before Time between Petrie and Duckie:

“I flyed?”
“No, you falled!”

Yep, I falled. It’s funny – I told my mom last night that I am almost relieved when I fall, because I know it’s going to happen eventually, and some people have falls once a week – I have been very fortunate in that area. I have fallen off of Bronwyn twice, including last night – May 2009 when she teleported out from underneath me when a cat levitated into a tree before her very eyes, and then last night, when my saddle slipped at the canter and, whoops!, I landed on my back on the ground. The worst part? Having enough time to realize I was falling, see my foot caught in the stirrup iron so I couldn’t kick out and even attempt to dismount in a way that was even fractionally graceful. I think it’s better to just land on the ground and see your horse hightailing it to the barn than to have time for the proverbial “OH SHIT, THIS IS GOING TO HURT!” moment.

I was also a little peeved that apparently I don’t know how to tighten a saddle up very much because when I fell, I had JUST gotten back on after dismounting to reposition the saddle after a wee bit of slipping. You would think that I would have made extra double sure to get it together, but I was so excited to get back to that magnificent canter work that we were doing that I didn’t think anything of it when my saddle felt like it “locked” into place when I put my foot in the stirrup to remount. Dumb, dumb, DUMB!

I like to think of every fall as a learning experience (which is why I kind of wish I would have more). So far, I have learned to watch out for other-worldly cats and always double tighten my cinch. Fair enough, right?

But the thing that really made me the happiest about the fall last night (I know, happy when you’re stiff as a 2 x 4, riiiiiiight.) was that it gave me the opportunity to spend some time ‘in touch’ with Bronwyn. She was quite warm still after I fell off, so I stripped the saddle and got on her bareback. She was rushy and anxious so I laid the reins over her neck and took a handful of mane and let her cool herself out at her own pace, in whichever direction she wanted to, and I let myself focus on just feeling the muscles in her body that move when she does certain things, letting my own body figure out how to move with hers in the most effective way, and just spending time with my hands on her, stroking her neck, speaking to her, and letting myself come down from the adrenaline pump of the fall. I spent time communing with my horse.

I think that I have expectations for myself and for her that make the both of us a little antsy and anxious sometimes. I get uptight, she gets uptight and I think I sometimes lose sight of my actual love for horses. I know I love horses, and that is an underlying current in everything I do but maybe I sometimes forget the REASON I love horses, which is the way they can make you humble… and the way that you can become fully in tune with them… the way their rules apply to your world and how you have to forget a lot of your rules to be able to communicate effectively with them. They don’t behave like people do – they don’t do things for personal gain or to make others feel bad. Their rules and laws are clear and simple and if we all applied a few more of them to the way we interact with other people, I think the world would be a happier place.

I am so interested in Equine Assisted Psychotherapy and personal growth using equines and the lessons they teach us right now…I so firmly believe that horses heal and improve us… new career path to follow?

Relieved!

2010-07-06T08:08:00.003-03:00

Just a note to say I feel like a dunce.

In my brain, I have had images of laminitis, long term treatments, chronic lameness and a pasture sound only mare over the last two or three days.

I soaked her last night because I figured it was an abcsess - or at least that was what I was determined to decide that it was because the other options were too scary and daunting. After that, I brought her out into the yard to take some pictures of her feet as some members on a forum I frequent wanted to see. She was MORE lame than before, so I figured "hey, abcsess is drawing out!". Squared her up to take some pictures of her (mostly to prove that she can't be obese enough to be laminitic - or that was my argument anyways), and then lifted the "bad foot" to brush it off and take a picture of the sole.

After some digging with my bare fingers, I discovered a small black crescent shaped rock lodged in the spot where her frog divides toward the heel. I had looked over her feet time and time again looking for something but never noticed it. The soak must have drawn it out a little - dug it out and there was a bit of a hole, so we're going to go aggressive to avoid any infection. Why did my farrier miss it? Because it appeared to be a natural part of her hoof! I missed it for days.

I've never been so relieved in my life! I was completely ready to pursue aggressive treatment for whatever lameness she had to figure out what was going on with her, etc. Boy am I ever glad I didn't call the vet out and run up a few hundred dollars' worth of diagnostics bills! Hopefully she will be right as rain within a few days - I'm going to keep soaking her to keep it clean and keep some dressing on the hole to avoid infection.

In the meantime, here is a picture of her *sad face* "Why do you torture MEEEEEEE?" last night while I was soaking her. Yes, there is too much water in there - I was trying to get the temperature right!

Worrywart

2010-07-05T10:56:00.003-03:00

Yep, I am one!

I had the farrier out yesterday, which is always a treat. He is so patient and good with the horses - they are straighter with healthier looking feet than they have had in a long time, and Bronwyn LOVES him so it's a big bonus.

However, Ari is worrying me. She felt a little off when I rode her last week... but he didn't see anything when he got into her feet, and the hoof testers didn't turn anything up. No heat, no swelling, no visible or palpable bruising. I don't have a lot of experience with them but I think this might be an abcess working its way out?

What a pain in the butt - right when I have gotten up the courage to ride her and am so looking forward to riding her more, we're looking at time off! I am going to soak her and try to draw it out - if nothing comes out, I'm definitely going to go to the vet to pursue it further, because now I won't be satisfied with just having a pasture puff, now that I know how much fun she is!

Like a Proud Mama Hen

2010-07-03T10:37:00.005-03:00

That's how I feel these days - I am practically bursting with pride! My day to day "horsey life" has accelerated significantly in the last couple of weeks due to... I have a buddy to ride with!

Last weekend, my sister and I helped my mom out at an App/Open show where she had her booth with her show clothes (we also got to see one of her beautiful intricate jackets get shown in, too!). This was actually the open show I had planned to bring Bronwyn to but then decided not to, so I was a little sad that I wasn't in the ring but I enjoyed watching and supporting riders that I used to ride with or know through the trade fair circuit we do. Anyways - my sister got bitten by the horse show bug - I mean, who wouldn't, with all of that gorgeous bling and leather and horses.... *floats off to a romantical place*

Oh, you're still here!

Anyways, after we came home from the show that day, my sister, Shay, asked me to give her a riding lesson (I know, I know, before anyone goes on about how I'm not qualified, etc...) and a showmanship lesson. She has this gorgeous little paint mare, Jessie, that she has had since she was a weanling - the two of them grew up together and they like to putter around... Shay doesn't like schooling as a general rule, she just wants to get on and RIDE and Jessie likes that, so there's no argument there. With that said, she just gets on and RIDES maybe two or three times a year.

Since that show (last Sunday), Shay has ridden three times. She's filled her yearly quota... but she doesn't want to stop!

I just wanted to share a few pictures from her rides this week.

We never rode bareback a lot as kids but now I feel like I get more bareback rides in than rides with saddles, and Shay is becoming addicted to that "zen" feeling, too! She cools out here mare after almost every ride bareback.

Yesterday, her mare was a little off. We put her away and then SHE suggested that she ride Bronwyn. I have been trying to get anyone and everyone to ride Bronwyn for me since I started her - mostly because she is a very "one person" horse and I think expanding her horizons is healthy for her and will help her later on in life if for some reason I can't keep her (I think someone would have to pry her from my cold dead hands, but you never know in this life!). Anyways, Shay has always been scared, I think - she has seen how Bronwyn sometimes likes to push my buttons and try to step out from under me and spook at foolish things and she doesn't feel secure enough in her seat to try to sit it out. So when SHE suggested she ride Bronwyn for her "lesson" instead, I jumped on that right quick! She was very nervous at first...

But then she settled in and really enjoyed herself, I think. She even asked to canter, which she did, and had this huge grin on her face and said "That was like riding a ROCKING CHAIR!". Bronwyn didn't place a foot wrong and overall, I think it was a super useful and productive session for the both of them. I couldn't be prouder!

Straying Slightly...

2010-07-01T23:07:00.002-03:00

I STARTED this mare 4 years ago 75lbs heavier... and got, oh, a half dozen rides on her, and then stopped riding (lost her dam and wasn't riding at all) for a year... during that year, it got into my head that a draft or draft cross was all I was suitable to ride... I literally felt sick to my stomach going up to the riding ring today... what if I am still too heavy? What if she buckles under my weight? What if I hurt her? My sister told me to shut up and get on. LOL It felt AMAZING. I'm all choked up... this is the closest thing I have to my Angel and I have been denying myself the permission to even get close to her and spend time with her because of the weight. RIDONKULOUS. NEVER AGAIN.

Logic & Circumstance

2010-06-28T09:20:00.002-03:00

As many of you know, I was scheduled to go to a show this past weekend to expose Bronwyn to the hustle and bustle of the show grounds and perhaps show her in the walk-trot class. I decided about a week prior (and just haven't had time to blog about it!) that the venue was not ideal for a slightly-squirrely horse that tries to take a jump out from under me at least once per ride - between the barn and the arena, nothing but pavement. Also, the arena just had hockey boards with no plexiglass, so easy for a horse to go over (not that I imagine she would have gone over it, but you never know!). I think the best show venue for us is by far and away an outdoor arena for our first try, with lots of grass to stand on while waiting at the gate.

I didn't chicken out - I made a decision to help my horse succeed. I know I, personally, would have been so uptight that I wouldn't have been able to relax, and neither would she, as a result. It's almost funny how in tune to my emotions she can be sometimes. If I'm feeling pigheaded, so is she. If I am feeling the zen, so is she. Our rides tend to be direct reflections of my emotions, funny as that sounds.

Either way, I made that decision - which was MAJORITY influenced by venue, and partly influenced by finances as well (and procrastination) - since I have been putting off buying breeches.

Nonetheless, I went to the show and cheered on the one adult in the walk-trot class with her big green horse (she was up against two or three kids and everybody got first place ribbons!), talked to some Friesian people at length, tended my mother's booth and had a great time catching up with some of the horse people in the area. One thing it made me realize is that I absolutely, absolutely miss the camaraderie of showing.

(I do have to take a moment to side commentary on the youth classes... holy moley - it must be exhausting to be a horse show mom... when the other girls start buying chaps, you have to too - when this kid gets a great big horse, you have to too... It felt like some kind of contest to see who could outdo who. I was pleased to see a few kids in there who DIDN'T have big fancy horses or Hobby Horse show clothes doing well - in fact, the little girl who won the Sportsmanship award was riding a pony that was as wide through the chest as he was tall and looked like a little gray Bronwyn... I cheered her on in every single class!

The open classes were smaller (I might have even gotten a ribbon in the open/adult English pleasure, as long as I had stayed on!) and a lot more laid back, it seemed. I could have seen myself fitting in there.)

Either way, this show made me more and more excited to get back into the showing world. I have been absent for about 7 years - between finances and lack of a horse that would be able to handle that kind of thing. Another (miraculous) thing that this show did was get my sister excited about showing.

I don't think I've written too much about my sister, but she is a natural with horses. She is confident and fearless and seems to have an instant rapport with horses. Wonderful, right? Unfortunately, she would rather spend her time in an agility field or training a dog to do tricks like ride on a skateboard or roll a basketball with their nose than work on round, balanced movement on a horse. She also has an amazing little paint mare, Jesse, who has the most beautiful little pleasure lope and natural head carriage. The two of them would rather just rip and tear the once or twice a year that they actually ride together. It's funny because they're a wonderfully matched pair - both a little crass and stubborn and absolutely hilarious.

We came home from the show last night with Shay asking me to instruct her in riding and showmanship so she could show with me. We are aiming at a show for the end of August that is a show on Saturday and a clinic with the judge the Sunday. I think it would be beneficial to the both of us and a lot of fun since we're so close anyways and have so much fun. She had her little mare all squared up and looking sharp last night in absolutely no time - the riding lesson was beautiful... I hope that we can stick with our plan of riding at least twice a week (she doesn't know it but I'm going to get her riding at least four days a week, I think!). She even rode bareback (I don't think she has ever ridden bareback on her mare and she's been riding her for 8 years or so!), and finally got to experience that great "zen" feeling I get.

I have had a couple of wonderful rides on Bronwyn over the last couple of days, too. She had a couple of weeks off there when things were just absolutely frenzied between work and 4H and everything else that I have on my plate at this time. I think with a buddy planning to ride with me (and willing to video tape my rides), I am going to be a lot more inclined to get out there at least four nights a week myself. And if the rain quits before I get home, I'm going to ride my little horse, Ari... I wanted to last night but ran out of light!

(Also, as a side "squee!!", I bought a Lucky Bucky hoodie in Ladies XL and it fits me. :-D)

Why I do this...

2010-06-13T19:29:00.003-03:00

Though I waffled (yes, those on the forum know I am a chronic waffler!) back and forth between thinking I had lost all semblance of sanity and between believing I would be in my happy place, I headed out Friday night to our Cloverbud & Junior 4H Camp this weekend to chaperone 65 7-12 year old boys and girls.

The place that hosted us, Caton's Island, is a gorgeous Christian summer camp that is set on (surprise!) an island and offers a variety of activities, including a climbing wall, canoeing, swimming, and horseback riding.

I didn't expect to do any riding, but early yesterday morning, the horse director (who is a neighbour of mine) pulled me aside and asked if I was going to be available while our kids did camp-based activities, as he knew I 'had a talent' and thought I would have fun helping out. I strong armed my way into getting up there and managed to even get in a few rides (granted, it was a laid back trail string).

I ended up spending the entire afternoon fitting helmets onto excited kids - some who had ridden before and others who had never even touched a horse in their entire life. I spent some time up on horses with kids who had never ridden before. I rode near the head of the string on a quarter horse... yes, I rode a horse that wasn't a draft cross and it didn't keel over and die! And she wasn't even a very big horse.

Overall, I think the experience was cathartic and a good balm for my soul. Sometimes, I think I forget why I still do this anymore. I think these days, I do it to satisfy the girl in me that once let herself believe she couldn't... but sometimes I also think that I am doing it for every other girl out there who gets told she can't, or she shouldn't. I do it for the kids who don't ever imagine that they could do it - for the sense of accomplishment and pride they will feel when they actually do.

One thing I really liked about the program, and I discussed it with the director at length over the weekend, is that he uses primarily draft and draft crosses in his program because of their reasonably good minds, and the fact that he will have among them, a suitable horse for just about any child. It made me think, and consider a lot of things.

You see, I have a little secret. My biggest dream in the world is to operate some kind of scenario on a large scale where children (particularly girls with self esteem or body image issues) can come together with horses, accomplish something, feel worth and pride in their skills and talents... I even have a piece of land picked out for the program - I just have to figure out how I would operate it, and where the money would come from. Nothing would please me more than to see children learning that they CAN do things and that they ARE valuable, and have skills, talents, and characteristics (physical and otherwise) that are worth being proud of, regardless of what anyone else might tell them.

I think I learned a lot about the value of myself when I started making headway with Bronwyn - most people out there don't care that much about the fact that I taught a once semi-feral horse to do the things she now can do, but the proof is in the pudding - she has become a reasonable equine citizen... she can be handled, she can be ridden, she has manners... things she never had before, and I instilled them in her. It might not be worth something to everyone, but it's worth something to me, and to Bronwyn.

Did the beginnings of your realizations of self worth come from a horse?

Learning to Trust

2010-06-07T23:08:00.002-03:00

I know, I know - it has been eleventy billion years since I wrote last, but I have been busy!

Work takes me away from home 12+ hours per day, and that is on days I don't go to the gym, necessarily. In the meantime, the days until the show I have picked to debut Bronwyn at keep slipping away like sand in the hourglass - I am down to 20 days left, now!

In the meantime, I have gone back and forth. Every ride feels like it is either a raging success or a dismal failure, there is no in between. Granted, I have high standards for both myself and Bronwyn, and I needed someone to remind me to loosen up a little bit, and to not let myself get swept up in the details.

I had a moment like this a few weeks ago, when, after doing so well and being so soft and malleable in the new bit I bought her, Bronwyn started driving her head down and holding it long and low. Of course, I panicked. Finally, someone helpful on the internet reminded me that she is young and maybe likes to take her contact low - keep giving the contact, add some leg and push her into the bridle... and things have begun to resolve! At the time, I thought I had made a huge mistake with the new bit, that I was ruining my horse and I probably deserved to be locked up for being so ignorant. I seriously considered scrapping the whole show idea.

I had to step back and consider it, take some advice, and move forward. The important part is moving forward. Trust that I CAN do the right thing and that I will ask and take advice so that I will KNOW what the right thing is. I also need to learn to trust Bronwyn a little more, too... give her some credit... keep her mind busy and help her reach her full potential (then I fall into the trap of 'what if I'm not good enough for her when she DOES reach her full potential?!', but I digress). I had also found, via pictures and video of one of my recent rides, that I am unconsciously grabbing up the reins because I am expecting her to spook - it is not a balance thing anymore, it's a control thing. I am learning to let go.

Tonight, we had another fantastic ride (see? I told you, it's either amazing or horrible!) - she worked beautifully, transitions were wonderful, bending, flexing, carrying herself wonderfully for longer and longer periods of time. I felt truly blessed to have a horse like her tonight. I need to put all of the "bad" things into perspective once in a while so I remember how well and truly blessed I am in my life.

There is something about sitting in sluggy grass, watching your equine companion cheerfully fill herself up with some of the same luscious grass that makes you put things into view.

So, I guess my rambling moral today is... be sure to trust yourself. Give yourself a little credit where credit is due.

Successes and less successes...

2010-05-18T16:59:00.003-03:00

Sadly, I have nothing great and inspirational to tell you today, but I thought it was high time for an update on the horse front at least - so you all know I'm alive still (though if you're a member of the A Fat Girl & A Fat Horse Forum, you'll know I'm alive and kicking!).

I have selected a date to "debut" Bronwyn at her first show - June 27th. There's a high likelihood that she will be a bit of a scamp while we're there, but you know if I don't start somewhere, I'm never going to start at all. With a little bit of retrospect, I realized it has been seven years since I've shown a horse... wow, I feel a lot dusty!

In preparation for her "grand debut" (I feel like I am grooming a Southern belle for her debutante ball here!), I have been working hard with Bronwyn and keeping her mind engaged as often as possible (even when I am not working her body) - and sometimes keeping both engaged for good long periods. The results have been pleasing.

I discovered the wonder of half chaps last night thanks to a kind forum member - holy shamoles! I feel like someone has been keeping an English riding secret from me! I think if I had known about half chaps, I would have started riding English a long time ago! Loved that great secure feeling that you just don't get with jeans - plus the added bonus of feeling a wee bit like a post-apocolyptic warrior princess while wearing them (teehee!).

I also put on my big girl panties and decided that I won't just ride Bronwyn in the walk trot class (especially since if you do, you can't ride in any other classes and I totally want to play around the barrels at this show!), so we worked on some cantering last night. I did not realize it was a "fear" or something that made me nervous until I was about ready to attempt it. Finally, I figured I might just as well, grabbed mane and took off. I knew I could sit her canter once she had it balanced and under control in the English saddle, but I figured I would switch back to the western saddle to start working the canter on her more (to clarify, she does know how to canter but I haven't done much work on it as I have been focusing on bending and giving and working myself more and more into the fear!)... I was feeling so good with those half chaps that I couldn't resist and went for a spin!

One advantage about the round pen is that the smaller space seems to give Bronwyn a good idea about picking up the correct lead every time (just way too small not to unless she wants to take a fall!). Overall, so pleased and impressed with my girl.

And a couple of pictures not from my most recent ride but from last week!

Stick With It!

2010-04-24T23:40:00.005-03:00

Bronwyn got a big compliment from my father tonight. We were talking about the five that we have, at various levels of training (including with no training)* and how we really needed to get some rides on some horses and he said "Well, we only have one broke horse in the barn."

Typically, I think of my sister's mare, Jessie, as the "broke horse" on the farm (sad, they all should be!). She is about 11, and though she's not a finished show horse, she is pretty easy going and you can post most competent adult riders on her. She is a little sensitive and can be quick but generally gives very few issues to anyone.

Ari only has six or eight (or a dozen?) rides on her so he clearly wasn't talking about her - or Rex or Freckles, both of which are technically unstarted (though Freckles has had one ride) - so he wasn't talking about them.

He was talking about Bronwyn, he told me. He figured she was a more willing horse to work with than Jessie who gets touchy about mud puddles and long reins tickling her legs. Bronwyn, though she isn't a horse that anyone can ride, probably IS the most "broke" horse we have on the farm and that is still a long way from saying much BUT that is not the point of my entry. The point of my entry is what a success it was to have a compliment paid to her by dad.

Though he has been on my team for a while, I did get a lot of flack about Bronwyn from the very beginning. I originally intended to get her, break her, and resell her (Imagine!).

She was so scared and jumpy when she first arrived that she could border on dangerous if you happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time (I was only there once or twice and lived to tell the tale!). She was wary and mistrusting. She stood in the back of her stall and blew like a jake brake every time someone walked by. If I could get my hands on her, she would tolerate brushing and handling but you could tell that she was counting the minutes until it was over and she could do her own thing. I sat in her stall for hours, hoping to get her used to me and to "bond" with me but it never happened. She ran through my hands several times when I was trying to teach her to longe (before I got my round pen), and got sticky feet when leading.

During that time, I was reminded again and again that she was "dangerous" and that I was going to get hurt, and neither parent could understand why I insisted on keeping her when I had two other perfectly good horses (the not-fat horse posse) that I could use, plus some of theirs (including a 15.1hh stallion that was a more than worthy mount). I spent lots of nights, tears, ponderings, considering if I should just give up. I was ready to.

I spent six long months trying to convince Bronwyn to engage with me and be a willing partner. In the end, I had to think outside the box - way outside the box for me - and began with the clicker training. THAT was her language, food was her currency and eventually, we struck up, if nothing else, an uneasy partnership. It grew over the spring and at the end of April, 2008, with a small assembled group, including both of my parents, I rode her for the first time.

My dad told me: "When you got on her and I saw that you trusted her and she trusted you, that was enough." - I haven't heard a negative word since, even though dad and Bronwyn have frequent disagreements and still butt heads.

I stuck with it. It wasn't easy. I cried a lot and I wanted to give up most nights... but I stuck with it... it might have been my stubborn pride more than anything - I mean, what young, cocky horsewoman who has had horses her entire life wants to admit that they can't reason with a horse? I don't know what it was that made me persevere - maybe it was the same thing that made me pick her out of a herd of young draft horses and bring her home in the same day, the same thing that made me envision her braided and shined up under English tack, the same thing that made me see a partnership that didn't exist yet... but I can say I am glad I did.

When Angel died, dad told me the same night that everything happened for a reason, whether we understood it at the time or not (I didn't, and I hated him for saying something so foolish). Bronwyn is my reason.

Who would have known that that crazy, sad, lifeless horse with no personality and no interest in partnership would turn out to be that horse that gives me the evil eye if I don't at least pop in to give her a kiss when I am in the barn... the horse that will look at something scary skeptically and say "I don't know, mom..." but when I insist, will say "okay, mom, I trust you."... the horse that has a huge, overflowing personality and great work ethic, and really, truly, desires to engage with her chosen partner? She shone up beautifully, like obsidian hiding under the tragedy of the circumstances she endured in the months prior to the two homes before me that got her out of it and began to bring her around.

I can't take 100% credit for the horse that Bronwyn is... just like I can't take 100% credit for the person that I have become. Bronwyn did that... and my life is so much richer for it. I had an appointment with a banker earlier this week and as I spoke to her and explained what I needed, she looked at me with a wise look and said "You really sound like you have a good life." and I said "I really, really do." - and none of that would have been possible if I hadn't stuck with it - with everything over the years.

Ladies... stick with it. The road is not always going to be easy. There will be bumps and bruises (and rope burn!) and you will likely shed a tear or two, meet closed doors, and feel completely hopeless, and want to back out... but find yourself a good support system and work through it. You deserve it!

* I have horses because I love horses, not necessarily to ride. I am perfectly fine with the idea that some of mine aren't broke right now though they are all riding age. :)

That One Big Fear

2010-04-21T22:18:00.003-03:00

Bronwyn has lots of little fears, but her One Big Fear is cats.

While many things startle her and momentarily make the record kind of 'hiccup', when she sees a cat, she can't focus... there is very little I can do to make her sit up and pay attention. You just never know when a cat is going to levitate STRAIGHT UP IN THE AIR, scamper under her feet, or attack with machetes! Those cats... they are scary and dangerous and it takes some considerable effort to convince her otherwise. However, the right amount of sweet talk and support helps her work through it, and gradually it is getting better.

Back in May, Bronwyn dropped me on my butt (okay, well, more like shoulder and butt and head all at once!) because of a levitating cat. It seems as though the cats have learned this and are now making it their goal in life to attend every single ride that I have, and so generally congregate around (I swear, we don't have THAT many cats!) when they see anyone up in the riding ring.

It is getting better and better, but I suspect that cats will always make her ears prick and distract her. Last night, a cat came prowling out of the woods by my roundpen and while she looked long and hard, she kept it together. I call that progress!

I know I talk here about the many different types of support that we as plus sized riders need - a riding network, a supportive home network... support for our (sometimes) hefty breasts (!!)... but I just can't stress enough how it really helps sometimes to have someone along to help us face our fears.

I don't have One Big Fear - I have a lot of little ones. Sometimes they get in the way of things.

As many of you know, I am currently in training for a new job working with accounts that can sometimes range from very very large to very very small, but there are definitely numbers involved. I am not a particularly math-y person (and they didn't test my math skills), but my excellent customer service skills and aggressive attitude about customer impression wowed them in the interview and got me the job. After nearly a week and a half of training, we approached MATH (!!) for the first time.

I am almost embarrassed to say that I had what I consider to be a small panic attack (not unlike what Bronwyn seemed to have when she dumped me!). My heart began to pound and I could feel tears welling up in my eyes... I was even getting the right answer... but I felt overwhelmed by something that has never been a friend of mine. Fortunately, my trainers recognized that I was struggling in that moment and reminded me that I am a very intelligent girl (if I do say so myself!), and that my problem with math was not because of a lack of intelligence, but a lack of comfort. Once I had a few opportunities to both succeed and fail without the world ending, I would feel better. They guided me through, ensuring that I understood exactly what we were talking about and by the end of the day I felt a little better.

This morning, I felt even better. And this afternoon, I feel like I could take math on in a sudden death cage match if I had to! I might not win, but I would at least put up a dang good fight.

Failure is not your enemy.

With the appropriate support network, you CAN fail without the world coming crashing to an end.

Make failure your friend.

Success makes you feel good, but failure makes you grow.

I'd rather keep growing than just feel good all the time - you eventually hit a threshold of good feelingness, and then what do you do? You find your "limited" successes no longer make you feel that good and start saying "Is there more to life than this?".

All of this ties in to my visit with Carina in Arizona. She can correct me if I am wrong, but I think she does struggle with fears every day - there is nothing wrong with having fears. I saw a brave woman face many of her fears while I was visiting her, and I got prouder and prouder as the week went by.

Something about being that supportive person really appealed to me and was something I have discovered I enjoy. I know what it is like to find yourself in the boxing ring with fear, to a certain degree, whether it is with horses, or in my daily life.

I think there are many of us who let fear hold us back - either because we haven't found the right support team or because we have never let ourselves believe that it is possible to come out of that boxing ring (or cage, if you will!) alive at the very least, and sometimes unscathed. Whether it is trying a new discipline, taking your horse to a show, or even getting on a horse again for the first time - you at least deserve the opportunity to step into the ring with that Fear.

Have a good (almost) weekend, everybody!

Juggling Life.

2010-04-15T16:31:00.003-03:00

Okay, indulge me for a couple of lines. This isn't technically horse related, but it affects Bronwyn and the other ponies.

I started a new job on Monday. I have really, really been enjoying it so far (we'll see how that changes once I stop training and start dealing with customers face to face!), but it takes me out of the home for 12+ hours per day.

HOW ON EARTH does everyone balance getting up at the buttcrack of dawn, going to work and mentally exhausting yourself, and then coming home and finding time somewhere between dinner and dark to work with ONE horse, never mind two or three? Add to that trying to work out every day...

I am just so tired by the time I land home (and I am not even working a physically strenuous job... however, I have coerced myself into high heels every day this week to fit the "young professional" appearance) that all I want to do is lay down.

The last couple of days, I have managed to get myself up off my kiester and go for a walk or do a couple of miles along with Leslie. I have a needy dog so generally, I walk 4 kilometres with him in tow to satisfy both the exercise need and Morrie's need for some one-on-one... but by the time I get back, it's dark! It doesn't help that I have to commute 45 minutes in each direction.

I am hoping things will take a turn for the better as the days begin to get longer and my body gets accustomed to being in a work environment daily and keeping 'regular business hours' (first time I have worked 'regular business hours', which includes evenings and weekends off in a loooooong time!), and I get my body all straightened out.

This isn't all bad, of course. There are so many ways that this job is going to benefit Bronwyn, Rex and Ari in the long run, once I get myself sorted out, that I can't help but smile when I think about how lucky I am to have gotten hired. I'm making more money, for one, which means that I will definitely be able to look into buying a trailer which means that I will definitely be able to start showing or at least riding in other places, attending clinics, etc. I will have my weekends and most evenings off so that means that I will be able to ATTEND more of these things since I can afford them. Life is going to look up for this Fat Girl's horses! (There are a bunch of ways all of this benefits me, too - like actual dental and medical benefits, but the more important stuff is how much better my horses will live now!)

So overall, I am hoping I will have a lot more to say to you on the 'working with Bronwyn' front in the very near future -- I promise I won't keep you waiting too long.

A little housekeeping:
Don't forget to visit our forum, guys!

(Also, don't forget that in order to view the forum, you are going to have to sign up. In order to protect the safe environment we have created here, I'd also just ask that you pop into the introduction forum and post something so we know you are not just a troll!)

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Yes, I did add some Google ads. I have grappled long and hard with the idea of advertising on the blog and while I would like to do simply private, relevant advertising (ie companies that cater to plus sized equestrians buying space), the clientele and readership is simply just not there yet. In the meantime, I am hoping the Google ads are not too intrusive and remain relevant. I draw the line at putting inline text ads, so I hope where they are positioned is not too crappy.

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As a couple of last awesome little points:

My friend Carina has a guest entry almost ready to go and then I will share my reflections on my trip to Arizona. It was a deeply moving and emotional experience for me and I think I only touched the tip of the iceberg with what I wrote while I was there.

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If you are in the Maritimes and planning to attend the Atlantic Horse Fair this weekend, PLEASE STOP BY AND SEE ME! I will be at the Happy Horse Designs booth, which will probably look quite a lot like this:

I will look like... well, myself.

I probably won't have much time to update again until next week, so in the meantime - have a wonderful weekend and I hope everybody gets a chance to enjoy some nice weather and some pony time!

Confidence is KEY.

2010-04-10T10:54:00.005-03:00

I think Zig Ziglar said it best: "You are the only person on earth who can use your ability."

Inconceivably, I somehow was the recipient this past fall of a huge boost of self confidence. This was before I started losing the weight, before I started having some of these big successes with Bronwyn. This was before I realized how awesome I have the potential to be. I don't know how or why or where it came from, truly. Someone asked me what the big, pivotal moment in my life outlook was and the closest I could boil it down to was this:

This fall, I took a chance at being rejected. I sat in my car for a half an hour listening to the song "Opportunity" by Pete Murray, and then I took a deep breath and did something really, really scary to me.

Nothing bad happened.

The end result I was looking for never happened, but I learned that it is okay to take a chance, it is okay to fail, and dust yourself off and get back up. I think that is a big way to build confidence - to face your fear, and come out alive on the other side.

“There comes a time when you have to stand up and shout:
This is me damn it! I look the way I look, think the way I think, feel the way I feel, love the way I love! I am a whole complex package. Take me... or leave me. Accept me - or walk away! Do not try to make me feel like less of a person, just because I don't fit your idea of who I should be and don't try to change me to fit your mold. If I need to change, I alone will make that decision.
When you are strong enough to love yourself 100%, good and bad - you will be amazed at the opportunities that life presents you.” ~Stacey Charter

I've made it no secret on Facebook and the variety of forums that I visit lately that things are finally going "my way" (weight loss, job wise, horse wise) - I'm sure there are people that have been wanting to slap the stupid grin off my face for the last several months. I have learned how to make the good things that I deserve in life happen through motivation, perseverance and logic. I can't teach anyone else how to do it but I can relate it to horse experiences.

“Each time we face our fear, we gain strength, courage, and confidence in the doing.” ~ Anonymous

----

I don't think I have made it much of a secret what my riding history is: I grew up riding safe, sane, quiet horses. I continued to gain weight through my childhood. Eventually, I was a few years away from having ridden, with an unbroke horse and heavier than I had ever been. I had no idea how I had gotten there. Fortunately, confidence still intact, I rode Angel bravely, and did many things with her that I hadn't done with any of the show horses I had owned prior to her. After she died, I found myself farther away and thinking about this fat thing.

I know so many of my readers deal with the issue of having been told they were too fat to ride, they were hurting their horses, etc. It's true that we need to be more aware of our bodies and the way that our bodies impact the horses we ride than some other riders, but I think in ways, that makes us great horsemen and women.

When I got Bronwyn, I was definitely thinking about my weight and how it worked in relation to horses. I had had a few blows to my confidence. Bronwyn gave me what I needed - she was a quiet, secure horse to start, despite having been so "crazy" when she came to me. She was slow on her feet and took some effort to get her moving forward, believe it or not. She is now the most forward horse I've ever owned, but I digress.

I've made it no secret that Bronwyn attempts to jump out from under me at least once every ride. I think I have also talked about my vow to ride in only my English saddle or bareback to improve my seat and my skills. Combined, I have had a lot of near misses and close calls, but I've stayed on. Even when I did fall off, though I was sore for a week - nothing bad really happened.

I know there are people who have had falls and broken their backs, or died. Guys, this is a risk that ANYONE, regardless of weight or size, takes when they step outside of their home. You increase the risk exponentially by riding horses. You increase that risk exponentially by not preparing yourself fully. But if you are confident, secure, and have a network that you trust, the odds of a fall are slim. Even if you do fall, the odds of dying are slim. I've never even broken a bone riding horses. It's true, it does happen to people, but in the words of Anaïs Nin:

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”

As a closing note, I will share a little story. I am a volunteer 4H leader and have kids come out to the farm every other week to play with the horses. All of mine are generally quiet, easy to handle, as long as they are treated like horses and not dogs... and handled confidently.

I have a young boy in my group that can best be described as "troubled". He is very scared of the horses, despite having owned his own before - the best I can discern from what he has told me, he has had a bad experience and was hurt with a horse. Every other week, he valiantly comes to the barn and works on his fears. I have had him handling our small pony, up to our big draft cross filly. He is most comfortable with the pony, however, this week he worked with Ari.

Ari is about 14hh... so not a big horse, and generally very well behaved though she can tell when you're not serious and will test that boundary. The boy was doing very well walking her and starting to square her up when at one point, when he was about 40 feet away from me, Ari caught a wild hair (tossed her head a little bit). I have always told my kids that if the horses get out of control for whatever reason, it is best to just let go so they don't get hurt and we can catch the horse later. If the boy had held onto her, he might have gotten hurt.

Instead, he listened to my advice and let go, and ducked into a ditch to get out of her way. Ari, as is typical, headed toward the barn, and since I was in her path, I told her to "Whoa" and grabbed the lead rope.

The little boy was scared, and definitely not interested in handling Ari anymore. While I was holding the mare, I pulled him aside and had a conversation with him.

"You did what I told you."

"Yes."

"Did you get hurt?"

"No."

"Then what are you afraid of?"

He looked at me, then looked at the mare, and I handed him the leadrope. By the end of the session, he was beaming and informed me that he liked her, and she clearly liked him by her behaviour.

No doubt, his confidence as he handles these horses is going to be an ongoing battle, but I think I proved a point to him. Bad things don't happen every single time you put yourself out there, as long as you are smart and know what you're doing.

So ladies... if you have to fake it til you make it or have someone telling you in your ear over and over that even though something bad could have happened, it didn't... find a way to overcome that fear, and feed your passion. Sometimes the horse will get away from you, but the moments when the horse doesn't get away from you and you succeed and realize you can do something despite the fear are worth it.

Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow." ~Mary Anne Radmacher

I lied earlier - that quote above was not mine at all, however, I was being rushed out the door and so credited it to myself in an all-too-frequent fit of blondeness! Apologies!

Have a great weekend, everybody!

Don't worry!

2010-04-02T21:25:00.000-03:00

No wee baby Bronwyns. :) Happy April Fools!

I can't keep my excitement in a second longer!

2010-04-01T09:13:00.000-03:00

I wasn't going to say anything because I know how this board can be but I came home to this from Arizona and have been way too excited not to share!

The filly is a week old today and I decided to name her Fiona. Bronwyn foaled out really easily - not too complicated since I used Rex as the stallion - he's a big boy but Bronwyn still has some major booty on him!

I was really hoping for a buckskin filly... Going to try her again on her foal heat to see if I can get what I want. This filly will be up on the local classifieds pretty soon. She is nice and will be a great athletic little mare when she grows up but I am really holding out for the buckskin and white filly... it'll look like a gypsy vanner, except taller and more athletic, I think. :)

I know Bronwyn hasn't really shown much talent for anything yet but I really think I am the one holding her back - she has a lot of potential and I think the foal could be quite athletic and talented! I also know how Bronwyn lost her foal back before I got her and thought she might like the chance to raise a couple and let her great mothering instincts shine through.

In the meantime, I am excited... it has been a few years since we have had a foal out here and I totally have missed little fuzzy noses! She is sooooo inquisitive and friendly, I am amazed that a mare as squirrely and distrustful as Bronwyn can be could produce something so cute and personable!

The Right Horse For The Job

2010-03-28T11:39:00.005-03:00

I have talked in the blog previously about the right horse physically for the job - in my entry, Fat Rider Myth #1: Fat People Should Only Ride Drafts (Or: Chosing A Suitable Mount), I discussed the importance of a strong, short back and good bone. Over the course of the blog, I have also written about other things that make your match with your horse very important, like saddle fit, fitness of both horse and rider, and other things.

Often when you are talking to people who just don't understand that fat people can ride, they neglect to remember that as a plus sized rider, we are often more aware of our body and the way that it effects the horse we are riding. I can't push that point home enough, ladies (and men, if you are reading?) - be aware of what you are doing, how you ride and how your horse is handling it.

Some of you might have been confused by the photo in the last entry. For those who need to be brought up to speed, I came to Tucson to help a dear friend (who also happens to be my weight loss buddy - we have lost almost 60lbs between us since just before Christmas) get back into riding. The mare we are with is named Ginger, a great Suffolk Punch mare that I have drooled over since the day that my friend got her over a year ago. That picture is of the first time that my friend has ridden since she got the mare, when she tried her out at the seller's house.

There can be so many fears and concerns that surround riding a horse, especially when you are at a weight at which you know you could get hurt badly in a fall. The thought crosses my mind every time that I ride. Sometimes it helps to have someone there to push you through the mind games you can play with yourself, and remind you that not everything bad happens when it could - it's a part of developing confidence and pride in yourself and the things you accomplish. What also really helps is to have a great horse.

Physically, Ginger is up to the task. I knew that when I saw her. I highly suspected just from photos of her face, her soft eye and her giant body (that is WAY too much effort to launch into many airs above ground) that she likely had the personality for it, too.

The thing is: when you are as heavy as I was when I started riding again (324) and as heavy as my friend is (I'm not going to disclose her weight!), the most you really can do is walk. It gives you a good workout - my friend will attest to that (and hopefully write a little reflection on my visit for the blog!). She will probably just be walking and getting her balance under her for several months. As she becomes more able to do more, the mare will have become fitter and so will the rider have. It's not like she is planning to go eventing tomorrow (though that may be in their future?!).

Anyways, back to extolling Ginger's virtues. This mare is patient and laid back - she has very little to say about most things, and if she is uncomfortable, she just stops rather than bucking or throwing herself around. She has a GREAT spook (I know, people are like "a great spook?! what spook is a GOOD spook, even?") - she more or less spooks in place when something scares her. She will startle, and maybe take a step or two but is easily reined in and brought back under control. Bronwyn spooks the same way - she just spooks more often than Ginger does! I was able to experience one of Ginger's spooks a couple of days ago, BAREBACK no less, when someone was playing in a dumpster at the neighbouring school. I have informed my friend that if I, World's Worst Bareback Rider (TM), could sit that spook without a saddle, she definitely could have sat it WITH one!

Overall, though, "Ginny", as we call her, is the right horse for this job. She is going to be great to build my friend's confidence and help her get back into riding and get those muscles all fitted up for further riding (I already have dibs on bringing Ginny to Canada when my friend no longer needs her! LOL). I wish I could pack her in my suitcase.

I just really want to be encouraging to anyone who is afraid to get back into riding these days -- my friend has also told me that having someone ride the horse you intend to ride in front of you several times to just show you how they are going to react to various things is extremely useful. Just being able to see where the horse's limits are, and where attitude may show up (with Ginny, it is pretty much nowhere, I have discovered!) is very helpful in building confidence from the ground. Being able to accomplish small tasks (like dismounting that giant horse without falling on your butt!) are also good confidence builders. Get a good friend to give you a hand if you're afraid, or an instructor who, as I always stress, understands your limitations and helps you work around them instead of just ignoring them, is always a good option. Don't be afraid to ask for help. There is no reason to fear. Ginny says so.

Why I Write This Blog

2010-03-26T23:25:00.000-03:00

No need for a long drawn out explanation, I think the photo says it all.

Arizona or bust!

2010-03-23T14:46:00.002-03:00

To say my life has been busy for the last two weeks would be a gross understatement. I have been beyond busy between working a few pickup hours for my boss at the restaurant I work at as well as engaging in the hiring process with a couple of other companies, chauffeuring my family around as our second vehicle is currently out of commission and also just enjoying the gorgeous weather that we have been having - unseasonably warm and pleasant.

In fact, the only time I seem to have been able to find to even write this entry is as I am sitting at the Bangor airport, waiting to go through security for my flight to Philadelphia. From Philadelphia, I will fly to Phoenix and from Phoenix to Tucson. I think I'll be good and exhausted by the end of the three legs of the trip - but I will try to get as many pony photos as soon as possible and then the blogging will commence!

Bravery And Solitude...

2010-03-10T16:20:00.004-04:00

Yesterday, I was expecting a friend who wanted to go on a pony ride on Bronwyn. She's never done one before but she's quiet enough that I could lead her around with someone aboard, and make it no big deal. I was beyond excited to have someone to come and "play ponies" with me but he ran quite late (like, by an hour and a half!), so I got saddled up and was just going to warm Bronwyn up so that she would be in fine form for her pony ride.

I have kind of made a pact with myself that in order to improve my balance and posture, I am only going to ride her bareback or in my English saddle. After some helpful suggestions from the internet world, I decided to move the saddle back several inches (I am used to western saddles that, due to the weight, settle where they should even if you sit them quite far ahead to begin with!), and it has opened up her stride considerably. Her walk is forward and animated. I like it very much!

Anyways - I warmed her up a little in the spot where I have been riding but since it has been a while since I rode last, there was some snow that had crusted over and she was not crazy about the part where she sank a couple of inches after she broke through the crust. Overall, she was reasonably behaved but not thrilled about working up there, so I got the crazy idea in my head that we should go outside of the paddock and up the driveway, which is about 1/4 mile uphill toward the road.

Right off the bat, she spooked out from under me when I was mounting up - I wasn't all the way up so caught myself easily, got her back under control and got on. Then, she thought the van in our yard was the scariest thing in the world - granted, she did have to walk through a space only about 8 feet wide with a snowbank on one side and the van on the other. I eventually convinced her the van wouldn't eat her and we got past that. We did alright up until we started the incline toward the top of the hill. All of a sudden, every snowbank that had some mud on it was going to eat her and the trees wanted to decapitate and skin her alive! I definitely ended up riding her more distance sideways than forward!

There was a time that I would have bailed off as soon as a horse started to give me a little trouble. What Bronwyn was doing definitely would have scared me off of her back. I have learned, little by little, with Bronwyn, what I can and can't handle - and let's just say she hasn't sent me anything I can't handle just yet. I have developed a much more secure seat and better balance. I hardly even thought about the fact that I was just on a wee little banana seat with no saddle horn until I was coming back down the hill, having successfully defeated and vanquished all snowbanks and trees with malicious intentions!

Another really awesome thing that I "taught" Bronwyn (or that she just started doing) is to slow her footfall at a walk without me touching the bridle. "Eas-y... Eas-y... Eas-y..." in a deep but soothing voice makes her slow herself down and, in turn, helps her start thinking about other things when she is getting scared. It's a completely useful tool that I intend to try and teach all of my other horses from now on!

In the end, my friend didn't ride (he is a dancer about to leave for a contract and we thought if we could do everything in our power to avoid breaking the thing he makes his money with, that would be good), and all the riding I did was while I was alone. I also never would have been brave enough to ride when no one was home at one time - but lately, it has been 'ride when no one is home or don't ride at all'. How many of the rest of you are faced with this issue?

I've become braver since owning Bronwyn... I'm proud of myself, and I'm proud of her for the distance we've both come, together.

-----

In other news, I have been working on getting Rex refreshed. I have mentioned on this forum that he has been brought to the brink of being backed time and time again, but he will be four next month and he is ready to have a real job. I have been ground driving and lunging him every other night and he has been doing fantastically. As I lose the weight, I am getting more and more excited about riding my "not fat horses". :)

Another Exciting Announcement!

2010-03-09T01:04:00.003-04:00

I haven't wanted to say anything until things were set in stone, but now that I've received the confirmation, I am at liberty to announce...

I am going on an official "A Fat Girl & A Fat Horse" Roadtrip (okay, I'm flying so does that make it an "Airtrip" instead?)!

The last week of March, I will be visiting with my buddy Carina and helping her get back into the swing of riding. I am way too excited - warm weather, pretty horses, and a good friend! Of course, we will be documenting the week through the blog with lots of pictures and updates - I think you will all find it extremely inspiring what we are planning on doing. If nothing else, you will want to reach through the screen and snuggle her horse. :-D

Shooting Stars

2010-03-05T23:32:00.002-04:00

Tonight, I stepped outside just in time to see the most brilliant shooting star. It streaked across the whole sky, leaving an ethereal trail behind it. It was not like the shooting stars you see more commonly that are just a flash that leave you wondering if you actually saw anything at all - no, it was the kind of star that left an impression, and made you absolutely sure that it was real.

I mentioned in my post, The Horse That Changed Your Life, that after Angel died, I saw a lot of shooting stars. They became less and less frequent as I healed... but it has always seemed that if there is going to be a shooting star, I just happen to step outside just in time to see it. Very convenient. Tonight, I stepped outside to grab the mares from where they were stuffing their faces around the remnants of a round bale we just put in a couple of days ago and just so happened to look at the right part of the sky to see that beautiful shooting star.

Angel has been on my mind a little lately - or things pertaining to her, anyways. I have been thinking a lot about Rex and Ari and the role they play in my life. There have been times that I have considered selling one or both, or leasing them out or something so that they are being used more than they are being used here because of my emotional hangups. I just know I can't. They were both on the sales market before I lost Angel and through dealings of fate, they are both still here. They are meant to be in my life for a reason.

With that said, I am nearly convinced to back Rex within the next couple of weeks. He is all the way there - I have taken him through all the steps over and over and over again - all that is left is for someone to get on and ride. He is bigger than Ari... I still have that hang up over her... maybe I can ride him and start to see things in context. Either way, I know that Rex needs a job and will be much happier when he can put his head down and go to work.

Sometimes I really miss Angel... who am I kidding? Most of the time, I really miss Angel. She was what I needed when I was 16, and she saved my life in many ways. (Okay, okay, I know it's so cliche to talk about your horse saving your life when you were an angsty teenager!) She started me on the path to weight loss. She started me on the path to my passion for horses.

And every once in a while, she shows up again to let me know that I am going in the right direction.

You took such good care of him, I just hope I do you justice, sister.

Exciting announcement, everybody!

2010-03-01T20:30:00.004-04:00

The FORUM is here!

You can click the word "FORUM" above, check out the link in the sidebar that I will put up VERY soon, or click on this link below:

http://afatgirlafathorse.ipbfree.com

Be aware that this is a MODERATED forum, and for the protection of the forum members, you must be a member and be signed in to read the posts!

Also need to give a shout-out to Sam @ Zhuria Web Design for setting us up with a spiffy forum that matches the blog! Check her out for web design - she owns horses so she has that extra edge for equine sites!

Now... sign up and get posting! :)

Railshirts and Half Chaps and Breeches, OH MY!

2010-02-24T11:41:00.004-04:00

If you've ever tried to show horses when you're not a svelte, trim little thing, you've been there. You walk into the local outfitters store and are faced with rack after rack of the season's latest fashion. You check the price tags, and of course, they're all quite steep... then you start to check the sizing tags. Shuffling through the rack, you are nearly to the back by the time you find something that might come within a few sizes of even fitting you and it's an awful colour, and probably last year's style, too. Trying it on, you look a bit like a stuffed sausage. The colour is wrong, the style is wrong, the price tag is ASTRONOMICAL, and you hate the way you look - but you buy it because you have no choice.

That was the story of MY life when I was growing up showing - as I've mentioned, I've always been a fat girl, and I went through many, many, many seasons of "settling" on what I could find that even came close to fitting me because that was all there was available. I almost always paid TOO MUCH for something I hated and was even sometimes embarrassed to wear. It definitely doesn't boost your self esteem or confidence, let me tell you that!

The wonderful thing about the internet is the plethora of resources right at your fingertips (like this blog, for example!). All of a sudden, you have access... and what a wonderful thing it is!

In this entry, I've compiled a list of websites that offer tack, clothing and accessories for plus sized riders. I don't have personal consumer experience with each and every company, but I thought I would at least put them up there and if you've had a good experience, you can say so in the comments. If you have other sites to link, put them in the comments and I will add them to the entry!

Riding & Show Clothing and Apparel

Happy Horse Designs (up to size 28 in custom rail shirts and showmanship tunics)*
1824 Plus Size Collections from Equestrian Collections
Saddle Bums Riding Pants (Up to size 2XL)
Arete Saddlery (they have 4XL sized half chaps!)
Maryland Saddlery (Plus sized english and foxhunting attire!)
Smart Pak Equine (carries the "Fuller Fillies" label)
Toby's Western Wear (up to 3XL western tops and tunics)
Horse & Rider Etc (english apparel, including boots with extra width in the calves and (especially exciting for me) larger foot sizes!)

*In the interest of full disclosure, "Happy Horse Designs" is my mom's sewing business. She does a circuit of trade fairs in the Maritime provinces and ships orders all over the world. Oh, and the website isn't finished because that's my job and I am a slacker!

Bras

X-Chrom Plus Size Horseback Riding Bras

ENell Sports Bra

I would love, love, love to find some websites where you can order saddles with 20" seats, etc - if you have links for any of those, PLEASE post them in the comments or email me - seeking(dot)sendiri(at)gmail(dot)com! :)

Sad Apologies...

2010-02-20T16:35:00.000-04:00

Hey guys!

I just want to take a moment to pop in and let you know I am working on a new entry but it's taking a little legwork to get there. In the meantime, I have a new vlog entry to post, and some wee updates about Bronwyn, a forum to open up, and some pictures I wanted to post that I'd love to get to sooner rather than later, it is just a matter of finding the time.

I've become involved in a great weight loss challenge on Youtube that is taking up some time, working a little bit here and there, taking care of my family (I am the personal chef you know, making sure everyone eats right!) and the farm... but I promise I have not forgotten about anyone! I still love to see the comments trickle in on the various entries and love hearing about new people, and check the Facebook fan page frequently.

I am hopeful to get everything tied up this week and get the new entry up and get things all in order as I am hoping to start full time employment up again very very soon... I also think the entries will come more easily for me in the summer when I'm able to ride and do more with the ponies. In the meantime, I will try my best to keep you entertained through the winter!

I just want to thank all of you for your support, encouragement and amazing stories!

Amanda & Bronwyn

Vlog update!

2010-02-13T09:59:00.002-04:00

As I am working some spot days for the restaurant, I haven't had time for a whole lot but I promise you can expect a new blog entry early next week that doesn't revolve around Bronwyn's amazingness (though there might be one of those between now and then!).

I'd love to have some guest vlog entries or suggestions for new things to blog about - leave them in the comments or you can email me at seeking(dot)sendiri(at)gmail(dot)com... (obviously replace all the things in (_) with the appropriate punctuation!). I am also considering a small forum in conjunction with this place. I know that these days, everybody is on a million forums, and I don't expect it to be several thousand posters strong, but might be a nice place for us to talk about our accomplishments, whether or not they relate to the current blog entry. Yay or nay?

So here is the vlog entry, which I have been literally trying to upload, day and night, since Wednesday morning. I lost 3lbs and I basically am obnoxiously positive.

Feeling thankful...

2010-02-05T22:25:00.003-04:00

Tonight, I just want to say a big THANK YOU to all of you - my readers, riders, who are sharing your stories, your comments, your hearts. I appreciate each and every one of you and what you bring to this blog, enjoying your life despite the stereotypes and prejudices that surround the aesthetically driven sport that we choose to engage in. I also appreciate those who are reading, and commenting, who are opening your minds and seeing things differently, even if you do not belong to the "plus sized" community. The tolerance, acceptance, and knowledge that you are equipping yourself with now will be appreciated by someone that you meet out there on your journey.

--

On another note, I braved the cold at almost-dark to ride Bronwyn for about fifteen minutes. It was not long and not much of a work out but I did ride - and that counts for something. I am blessed to own a horse that does not balk at my harebrained schemes, riding at odd hours of the day, and asking her to do all manner of different and unusual things. She gladly went to work this evening as though she hadn't had a couple of weeks off. And it felt so fantastic to get into the saddle. Everyday that it is too cold or windy for riding outdoors, I kind of mourn a little. Granted, I have never used my summers to their full potential, but I feel like, as my passion has grown exponentially since beginning to write this blog, I will be much more committed to riding this summer. Since I have started to eat better, more produce and more protein, I have a lot more energy so I can see this being attainable.

I'm pretty excited about the snow going away!

I also longed my "not fat" horse, Rex, today. He needed some controlled exercise and I am going to fit and build him up for when I get on his back, finally. I am just a little over 25lbs away from where I told myself I would ride Ari (though I suspect I will cave and get on her sooner), so I figure that is a good weight to decide to ride Rex. He is turning into quite a big boy, and he has a beautiful, flat kneed extended trot - it makes me want to cry a little when I see it!

Weight Loss Vlog #8

2010-02-04T08:09:00.002-04:00

I don't usually say too much on here about the weight loss, and you can choose to view the vlog or choose not to. I have to say today that I am super excited, though! I never get the chance to say "I'm finally in the X00's!" like they do on the Biggest Loser because I started at 303 (so losing 3lbs was not a big deal and I had been in the 200s before recently!), and 200 is a long ways away...

But I can say with pride today that I have finally left the ranks of "100lbs+ to lose" and am now only 99lbs away from my goal weight! *does a small dance of celebration*

And without further ado, the vlog:

Horses In My Backyard

2010-01-30T23:56:00.003-04:00

I used to fancy myself quite a poet back in high school. At the time, I was plagued by depression and most of my poetry was about unrequited love (needless to say, I had very little confidence in myself or my complete cuteness - I look back on videos and pictures from high school and go "Come on, you were SO adorable! Why weren't you braver?!"). I used to stay up late at night scribbling endless scattered prose about one boy or another that I was too shy to even talk to, torturing myself with the endless possibilities that would never come to fruition. Teen angst at its finest.

I still write poetry, occasionally. Sometimes my heart is so full of feeling, I have to put it down - even if it's just one line. More and more frequently, horses or the feeling that horses give me are the subject of my mad ramblings.

Tonight, I was feeling inexplicably melancholy, generally emotionally volatile - a feeling I completely hate, and try to diffuse as soon as it starts because I dislike not being in control of my emotions (Who am I kidding? I cry all the time, especially when I am watching The Biggest Loser!). Usually, diffusing this feeling consists of sitting on the back of a horse - not working, just sitting, just feeling, and being. Tonight we had minus stupid degree weather with windchill so sitting on a horse wasn't really an option, but sitting with a horse was.

I took to Ari's stall. I love Bronwyn, but Ari is my favourite (And who am I kidding? Bronwyn would never tolerate the foolishness that Ari does!). Ari's unwavering sweetness is comforting and predictable. She is so many of the beautiful attributes that her mother had. I stood for a while with my arms over her back, my cheek pressed to her withers, her long furries tickling my nose. Horses are in my blood.

After a little bit of that, I took an overturned bucket and sat in the front of her stall while she munched hay quietly, and sat as close to her as possible, my arms wrapped around her front right leg, my cheek resting on her forearm. I must have sat like that for thirty minutes. It just felt good. Occasionally, she'd crane her neck and brush her upper lip through my hair.

Sometimes, I wish I had access to an indoor arena and didn't have to get out of bed to feed in below zero weather, but I would not trade the immediate access to the above for anything. I am jealous of those of you who have your horses at boarding stables, but at the same time feel sorry for those of you who can't keep your horses at home for whatever reason. I always used to be resentful of horses at home, but now I count myself lucky to have them here.

Anyways, back to the poetry. Tonight was one of those "full" feelings so I scribbled a little ditty. Though it's a little silly, I thought I would share, because I feel like you guys are my family. :)

Horses In My Backyard

I give up the finer points in life,
like indoor arenas in the winter,
stall mucking done when I arrive,
never having to worry about a missed feeding,
to have horses in my backyard.

I get to enjoy some of the hardships,
riding in the rain, or snow or sleet,
just to get that workout in,
mucking stalls before I can make time to ride,
and climbing out of bed, in the cold, hung over or sick,
to have horses in my backyard.

I love the benefits -
a furry therapist whenever I need it,
instant eau de cheval,
horse hair on every article of clothing I own,
a soft place to land.
Front-leg-hugging therapy cures all ailments.

I have horses in my backyard, and I wouldn't trade it for a thing.

- Amanda Neal

Thanks, Ari, for keeping me grounded when I need it the most.

Building Confidence: Groundwork is GREAT.

2010-01-29T19:07:00.004-04:00

I think one of the biggest concerns for plus sized riders, right after 'being too heavy to ride' is getting hurt - particularly if you are a middle aged or older and have realized that you don't bounce so much anymore as splat.

Some of the health complications with being plus sized (and I am not even talking morbidly obese here) really bring to the forefront the worries. For example, though I don't worry much about myself (except that I hate falling and used to bail off of a horse the minute that it started to get a little naughty, which Bronwyn has "unlearned" in me), I worry about my father. He has an old back injury and I worry that his centre of balance will be different and less effective than it used to be. It seems like recovery from injuries are longer for plus sized people.

Though there is no surefire way to avoid getting dumped or hurt on horseback, I am a big fan of groundwork as a good way to work on avoiding it in many cases.

A lot of people think of groundwork as merely a stepping stone in the process to preparing a horse for riding, and only in that context, I have found ground work to be an excellent tool for many other things.

- > Of course, a horse can never NOT benefit from longeing or ground driving as reminders about their cues in the saddle. With my own horses, I am always 100% sure that they know what the verbal cues mean from the ground so they can translate to the saddle. This means a cluck the clues for upward transitions, downward transitions, and complete halts. I like knowing that these are really deeply instilled in a horse before I ride (especially the "whoa!" so that if, for some reason, I am incapacitated or something happens that I no longer have control (ie drop a set of split reins or something), I can still get a response even if the horse does not have seat signals down pat.

This was useful earlier this winter when I dropped one side of my english reins riding Bronwyn bareback in the snow, in the dark. She got a little scared and no doubt would have continued - if I had done a one rein stop and pulled her around, I probably would have fallen off myself, so I gave her the "Whoa" command, and voila... nice, square, FULL stop.

- > Spook proofing! You are at a much safer advantage, if you are an aware horseman, from the ground when introducing your horse to things that may scare them on the trail or in you day to day rides and adventures. The more things you introduce a horse to, fortunately, the less scared they are of the next new thing, and eventually, you have a three year old that bravely and confidently walks out of a barn, into a county fair with huge rides going, music and loudspeakers blaring, hot air balloons firing close overhead and children running underfoot.

One of my favourite things to do is go to the local dollar store and buy as many "scary" things as I can find. Hula hoops, tarps, noisemakers, cap guns, and ribbon-shooting pop guns are some of my favourites. I am known to love bringing home new "toys" to expose my horses to. I also saw, once upon a time, a fantastic set of CDs with parade noises and the various noises a horse would encounter in various situations. If anyone has a link to that or Google skills that are marginally better than mine, I'd love to see a link to them in the comments! I thought they were great and think it would be awesome to invest in some of them this winter!

- > Ground work, especially prior to a saddle session, can give me a really good idea of where the horse's head is at, mentally. Should I be looking out for spooks on this ride? Would we be better off in the arena or confined riding area today, or is a trail ride an option? I guess I am most interested in all of this because I have been routinely dealing with green horses for the last ten years. In fact, I haven't owned a "broke" horse in that long! If I can work on things that, at least for the time being, are going to be acceptable to the horse's mental capacity that particular day, I stand less of a chance of getting dumped, and that, my friends - is a very good thing.

- > Frequent ground work really helps you know whether your horse is off. When you use it as a tool often enough, you really get to know your horse. There is a constant debate about green rider plus green horse equals black and blue, and I generally agree with that point. With that said, I think there is a great deal of benefit to a horse and rider relationship if the rider doesn't immediately get on and spend all their time riding but instead spends a lot of time on the ground, watching their horse and learning what their normal way of going and behaviour is. You become so in tune, at that point, that you know whether your horse really needs to be longed or if he can handle just a quick turn or two around on the longeline, or if they are off or minimally unsound.

Add to all of this that you can teach your horse things from the ground that will truly benefit you as a plus sized rider - for example, to sidle up to a fence or large mounting block and stand still... patience and appropriate behaviour in situations that might be found to be scary (ie getting tangled up in a rope or things blowing against the horse's legs).

I have found that ground work and play (since I don't just do things related to saddle work, I also clicker and trick train/play with Bronwyn) truly cement the bond you have with your horse and how well you are able to read them and gauge 'normal' or irregular behaviours in them and how quickly you can assess a situation that might get you injured.

There are absolutely no cons to spending time on the ground with your horse and I truly believe that is the making of a true horseman, and not just a horseback rider. I think more people should become interested and well versed in reading horses and their behaviours and mindsets before mounting up - a ton of accidents could be avoided this way.

Winter is a great time to get this done if you don't have a place to ride indoors or aren't able to balance the equation of dressing warmly but still being able to ride.

--

Right now, we are getting a crazy amount of wind and snow. I sure wish this would all go away so I could get some riding done - I am definitely envious of you out there with indoor riding rings and heated barns. Take advantage of them with me in mind! :)

Weight Loss Vlog #7

2010-01-28T02:02:00.001-04:00

I'm quite funny if I do say so myself!

Don't worry, there will be new entries coming soon!

Can you hear me? How about now?

2010-01-24T08:37:00.003-04:00

Yesterday, I attended an event that brings together the Maritime equestrian community after a brief holiday hiatus, January Thaw. In addition to hosting a great little trade fair expo, with booths from all kinds of different stables and tack shops, they have little seminars and it is a fundraiser for the Children's Wish Foundation. I believe, overall, they raised right around $3000 for the CWF, which is not too shabby, and I was impressed. Children's Wish Foundation is something I could really get behind as a charity!

I was there helping my mother out with her booth - she makes show clothes and a variety of other things, and April through May we are usually ridiculously busy with these sorts of events.

Anyways - they had all kinds of great booths there, including a pet communicator who was offering 10 minutes of communication for $10. She seemed like a bit of a kook but it was pretty cheap entertainment comparatively. I sat with my sister while she 'read' her problematic German Shepherd rescue (at first, without anyone telling her, she picked up on "a cute little while dog who likes to take things and hide them" - not the dog in question but my sister does have a really adorable little miniature australian shepherd who has a crate we like to call "the trash can" because of her penchant for stealing stuff and hoarding it). It was interesting and definitely a lot of fodder that could be true for any dog.

I tried to be very careful when I sat down for a reading on Bronwyn (just for fun, mind you!) not to give too much information but my sister sat with me and said I did leak a lot of things. Shay had mentioned during her reading that I had a "spooky" horse (they were talking about the dog being jittery because of her past), which kind of bugged me because then she focused on the spooky thing.

When I first sat down, I definitely thought I was going to get some kind of lecture because the first thing she picked up on was "You are way too pretty to be so heavy" from Bronwyn. Great, she has an issue with my weight. Then she went on to tell me that I was actually a very light rider (I have been told this many, many a time), and I am very good at what I do, always have been (implying I have been doing it for a long time which was not something I told her), but I just needed to believe in myself and stop second guessing my skill and "fake it til I make it".

I went on to "ask" Bronwyn why she had such a problem with my father. I am 200% sure he has never, ever hurt her, but she is consistently very jittery and sketchy when it comes to him. The communicator told me it was because he had a very low timbre of voice similar to someone at one of her previous homes who may have abused her, and implied that she had had multiple homes before I got her, and that some man may not have been very friendly with a rake or pitchfork. I, by no means, believe she was ever abused (neglected, definitely), but sometimes she makes me wonder if she got a smack or two that wasn't totally warranted, just because of her behaviour. Bronwyn also said I had something emotional blocking me and I just needed to "shed some water" (which apparently is what most horses refer to crying as) to get over it.

Overall, not a bad bit of entertainment though I was disappointed that Bronwyn's "personality" didn't come over as strongly as Bella's did when my sister had her reading - apparently, Bella told her that she needed to forgive someone in Bella's history and "get the f*ck over it!" (dog's words!). Also, at one point, the communicator went "oh! Sit up straight! She is a very no nonsense type of dog. She makes me want to sit up straight, too!" and told my sister to drink more water (but didn't tell me to, which is funny because my sister drinks very little water and I drink several litres per day).

The communicator gave me some ideas for dispersing adrenaline in the body of a spooky horse, which include rotating her tail (draping from side to side), stretching out her spine and massaging down the backs of her legs and her heels in behind. Just for kicks and giggles, I tried it when I got home. Bronwyn was a little stiff and resistant when I picked up her back feet, but immediately slouched into relaxation the second my thumbs hit her heels to massage. Even if it doesn't work dispersing her spookiness, it's something she likes and I'll continue to do, I guess!

Also - Bronwyn told me to stretch her more before I ride - her front legs and neck, said she gets stiff in the jaw, and I need to stretch out and twist my back because I can get locked up there (true). It might not help but it's not going to hurt. Oh! And she told me that Bronwyn hates winter and likes to wear blankets - which I can't really vouch for, the cold doesn't seem to bother her, but interestingly enough, she has never ever spooked when I have put the cooler on her - even the first time I did it - and she had not worn one before.

Whether you believe in animal communicators or not (especially ones who can do it over the phone or without the animal present), it's always some interesting insight. I'll take the suggestions she gave me with a grain of salt - the stretching and massage might not help (though I fail to see where massage ever DOESN'T help, properly done) but it's probably not going to hurt, and overall, for $10, an interesting afternoon "insight" into a couple of problematic animals. The jury is still out for me whether it is all "true" or not, but it was fun!

Anyone else a little on the "kooky" side of horses? :-D

Weekly Vlog!

2010-01-20T15:58:00.001-04:00

Brief mention of my ride on Sunday. Relatively short compared to others!

O Canada... You're Snowy And We Freeze!

2010-01-19T12:05:00.003-04:00

Today, the weather is about -7 Degrees Celcius and in the neck of the woods where I live, we have about a foot or so of snow on the ground. I don't have an indoor.

With that said, I have been braving the chilly weather lately to ride my horse in snow up to her knees and try and at least keep her in minimum shape to really start the work in the spring when the snow finally goes away and we face another adversary - MUD.

I posed the question about how to work my horse in the snow on a couple of message boards and the resounding answer was to work her in it! It fits them up well! She'll be well conditioned! I think most of those people, when thinking about snow, weren't even thinking about this much snow:

Yes, some of it is as deep as up to her knee. I feel immensely guilty parking my fat butt up there while she works it out! With that said, we punched out a path pretty quickly and stuck to that, but how on earth am I supposed to do any lateral movement, any bending, any moving off of my leg in a 1 foot wide path?!

I have a feeling that by spring, I will have a very strong, well conditioned horse that has forgotten all about suppleness and bending and moving off my leg and rein.

(I kid, I kid! I actually rode her today and she was not too bad at all. She was collecting up (at a walk!) and we worked on some other things. She had a few moments where she wanted to push out of the track and go straight for the barn but soon figured out that I was going to block her with my outside leg, and if she insisted on doing that, we were going to continue working. Yay for work ethic! I rode for around 25 minutes before I froze and she was getting warm (and wet), so I put her away.)

My father has borrowed the neighbour's snow blower for his tractor and there has been mention of building me a little rectangular space in which I could ride. My only concern is how the footing might get sketchy once we've gotten it beat down well. I could get sand and keep it well sanded - and we're not going to be doing any rodeo maneuvers or airs above ground (God willing!), so that might work.

What do you all do for riding in the winter if you don't have an indoor arena to ride in? In the past, I have mostly let my horses have the season off, sometimes hopping on for a little ride in the snow but nothing strenuous. I highly suspect with a winter off, Bronwyn would soon be much too wide and fat for any of my equipment, and may or may not forget most of the things she has learned thus far. My plan is to haul her somewhere with an indoor arena (my coach told me she always has a stall available for me) in or near the city I'd be working (I am a seasonal worker but looking for full time work), but I can't afford months and months of board, so it would likely be a one or two month deal. My coach also said I could bring her up for a weekend and use the indoor that way - but I have no trailer (yet), and it is expensive to ask someone to haul me an hour and fifteen minutes each way in a weekend. Hopefully I'll have a trailer before summer so I can remedy all of this.

How many other winter warriors do we have out there?

Dressage Diva or Backyard Betty?

2010-01-18T10:38:00.002-04:00

I mentioned in my last entry that I was offered an opportunity to ride a great horse, and I got to take that opportunity up yesterday afternoon!

I should preface this by saying, if it hasn't already been made fairly clear through my blog posts, that Bronwyn is still very green. As in, when I am working her, I am teaching her, at all times, and have fallen prey to some of those weaknesses in my equitation due to working a green horse. I took lessons when I was getting back into riding, but nothing was quite like this.

I arrived a few minutes late and the big guy was already tacked up. My doctor has an affinity for appaloosas so the big fella, Orion, is 1/2 App, 1/4 Thoroughbred, and 1/4 Percheron. 16.2hh looks a lot bigger in person than you generally envision, and he had those great big feet and BEAUTIFUL bone. I would have probably been almost immediately deeply in love if he didn't have the ratty App tail and mane - nothing to hang on to!

She started me out easy on the longe line, which was a nice touch, I think, since I am so new to English riding and still not very confident with it. We did some half halts (I insisted I didn't know what they were but once we got going, I had a "Duh!" moment - this is a technique we have ALWAYS used in training horses, just never called it by that name!), some sitting and posting trot, during which she insisted I ride with my fingers on the buckle of the reins. I don't lean on my reins by nature, but I felt very insecure without them to hang on to - PLUS no mane to grab! She asked me if I'd like to canter and I declined, at first.

Bronwyn is still not very balanced at the canter, and I have ditched it, honestly, in favour of having her bending and moving laterally and collecting herself at the walk and trot before adding speed to the mix. Add to that, my round pen is just too small for her to get it together and we have only cantered a handful of times. Hopefully, I will remedy this in the spring when I drive posts for my riding ring rather than just having a round pen! So needless to say, I haven't done a lot of canter work in the last couple of years. When I thought of cantering, all I could think about was the excessive push to get the speed, the disjointedness to start with, and then the balance out. I forgot that broke horses usually just move into it smoothly and have all their stuff together.

We did some more posting trot and I began to feel fairly comfortable and then she asked again if I'd like to canter. I agreed to it, and he moved right into it. It was most honestly the most enormous canter I have ever ridden! I felt so good after I was finished that I couldn't wipe the big grin off of my face. I was even willing, after feeling that, to forgive the big guy for not having a mane or tail. I would buy him in a heartbeat if he were for sale! I don't know if it was him in general or just a broke horse that wasn't giving me any grief and didn't need to be guided in every direction.

Overall, it was a fantastic ride. Later, I was chatting with the barn owner and my doctor about Bronwyn and her history - where she began, where she is at, mentally, and everything in between. They kept saying I ought to sell her and buy something with the breeding to back up what I want to do. I tried to explain to them that she is what she is and I am happy with that, to which I got "Well maybe you can keep her as your pet and get something that can do what you really want to do."

Which lead me to the pondering of - what exactly do I want to do with horses? The answer is - I don't know, for sure. When I think about showing Bronwyn, I think about showing her at open shows, in English pleasure, farting around at games, maybe over a couple of crossrails - nothing that requires any immense talent or skill on the part of the horse.

What helps largely is that I don't have any long terms plans or Olympic dressage dreams to make me disappointed in what will eventually be Bronwyn's "full potential". As I told them at the barn yesterday - I am a western rider who just happens to have an English horse and an English saddle. Beyond that, I am willing to do whatever it is that Bronwyn is capable of. My first love always, always will be western pleasure, because that is what I grew up with, and if Bronwyn ended up only being suitable for trail and parades, I have other horses that I can pursue western pleasure with. However, I don't dream every day of doing western pleasure with Bronwyn and wowing the socks off of people at the Western Horse Extravaganza with her every year. I dream of doing what she has the skill and talent to do, whatever that might be.

I have always been one that supports others who have horses that are not suitable for their dreams. I have no problems with people buying horses that better suit what they would like to do - ie, if they are a dressage rider with a western horse or a horse that has no talent for dressage, I would not fault them for selling that horse or buying another that they can succeed with. I just don't think right now is the time for me to be selling on or buying another horse because I know I can succeed with Bronwyn, and if all that success is only in my own back yard, I am still perfectly happy with that.

Fat Rider Myth #2: Horseback Riding Isn't REAL Exercise, Fat People Should Do Other Things, Too.

2010-01-15T11:01:00.002-04:00

You most often hear this little bit of dirty junk come out of the mouths of people who have never ridden a horse, or their only horse experience is sitting like a sack of flour on a deadbroke trail horse for an hour:

"Well, horseback riding isn't really exercise. I mean, all you really do is sit there and the horse does all the work. You don't even sweat when you ride horses!"

Anyone who has actually ridden a horse for any amount of time and, you know, actually attempted to make the horse do things besides just walk in a line with their nose stuck up the tail of the horse ahead of them knows. You sweat, you hurt, sometimes you even cramp up.

All one needs to do is type "Horseback riding as exercise" into a Google search string and you come up with a multitude of "Horseback Riding Machines", that proclaim you can get a great, toned core muscle group "without doing any work"! Obviously, someone has caught on!

I was very curious about this one, because I know, especially with green horses, my heart rate does go up, I do sweat, and I am usually sore the day after. Between keeping myself in the saddle and guiding the horse to do what I am requesting, there is an entire aerobic workout up there... for ME.

I am very fortunate to have a family doctor who is also an avid horseback rider. She doesn't just pay someone to ride once in a while, she owns several horses of her own and regularly competes in jumping and dressage. I think she secretly likes to see me coming because we get chatting about horses and it's a bright spot in her day.

Anyways - I had to go in for a followup with her anyways, so I decided to ask her medical opinion on horseback riding as exercise. We can all speculate all we want (some of us have bodies to prove it!), but I like to try and provide some hard, scientific fact (haha!).

Her general consensus was that horseback riding is GREAT exercise - depending on your metabolism. For me, as out of shape as I am, my metabolism is much lower. I get a much more beneficial workout out of riding than someone who is in better shape. She also suggested that posting trot and canter are much more effective energy burners than a dawdling walk, and recommended dressage and jumping as the most effective energy burning horseback activities that you can do.

(Sidenote: When she discovered that I had no indoor facility to ride at and had never ridden a dressage horse before, she invited me to come ride her big GP level dressage horse on Sunday. I am both excited at the opportunity and terrified to look like a total fool! I even called a "piaffe" a "passage" in my vlog, I am so wired up!)

She then proceeded to remind me that we should be doing core exercises to help our riding, such as crunches and pelvic lifts (which she then got down on the floor and demonstrated, just in case I didn't know what they were!). Needless to say, in preparation for riding her horse, I have been doing 100 crunches per night!

So in the words of my doctor - it is kind of a "yes and no" answer. Sitting on a horse isn't going to do much if you're relatively fit. WORKING a horse and using your body to work that horse is much better. However, if you're as unfit as I am, just walking around CAN be beneficial. And hey, it's something we love, and it gets us out in the fresh air and works our thighs and abs - it can't HURT even if we're not getting our heart rates high enough for it to qualify as aerobic exercise!

Personally, I have been doing some other aerobic stuff besides riding (nevermind that I haven't ridden much for the last month or so because of the icky white stuff covering the ground), and then some core muscle and upper body strengthening to get myself where I want to be for riding. I am still a far way off, I am sure, but getting there!

I think the next time someone throws a little "horseback riding isn't REAL exercise!" into your face, you should invite them over for a ride. And not a trail ride. Really get them working your horse, give them a basic lesson, and then give them a call in the morning and see how they feel? Take pictures of them sweaty and out of breath to email them the next day. And pat yourself on the back because you know the real answer!

---

As a side note, here are a few pictures of Bronwyn and I yesterday after about a month and a half off. We were breaking a path in the snow so we didn't do too much and I was trying out my english saddle for only the second or third time since I got it.

Week #5 Vlog

2010-01-13T13:43:00.001-04:00

In which I ramble a little about horses and my doctor's appointment and possibly make a complete fool out of myself by revealing how little I know about dressage and calling a specific movement by an incorrect term.

The Horse That Changed Your Life

2010-01-07T10:57:00.014-04:00

I am just waiting for some information and resources to pull together for a couple of really good entries I want to write for you, but in the meantime, I thought I could talk about "THAT" horse. The Horse That Changed My Life.

No, it wasn't Bronwyn. And no, it wasn't my first pony. I have probably mentioned on this blog before that I grew up on a farm where there were always horses in full supply - in fact, I remember times that, as a breeding, training, showing facility, we had 22 or more horses here - that's pretty good considering the size of our barn! I rode before I walked, and regularly went on trail rides on the front of my mom's saddle before I could independently ride. As soon as I could hold my balance astride, I rode a pony named Doozer... after an unfortunate accident on a lease, I got Katie, then I moved on to Magic, Flirt, Boots, Caleb, and then there was Angel.

I was 16 when my parents brought her home. I had "defected", as many kids who grow up living, breathing and working horses for a living do, at about 14. My parents had sold my gelding because I had lost interest. There were plenty of options for me to ride, but I chose that year to keep a colt out of our best broodmare, and I named him Caleb. My parents took a couple of geldings to a big APHA sale in Timonium, MD, and I requested a grooming kit as my "payment" for keeping the farm while they were gone.

They had used my dad's boss' big rig with a stock trailer to haul the colts down, and brought one of them back. They asked me, when they pulled in, to check on "Smiley", the gelding they'd brought back, and I poked my head into the belly of the trailer to see a gangly, weedy palomino and white filly snoozing in the shavings. I thought they must have hauled home for someone, or made a mistake of some sort. They told me they had always wanted a palomino mare to add to the breeding program. The first words out of my mouth were "I'm not trading".

It seems I had no choice.

The next weekend, my parents were gone again... I highly suspect it was an intentional move in order to give me time to get to know the new filly, named "Sugar" (aptly, she was as sweet as!). They came home to find me in Caleb's stall, in tears. I knew that "Sugar", who I had renamed "Angel" over the weekend on my own, was something really special and she was going to play an important role in my life. It had been a long time since a horse had stirred up the feelings I was feeling and I didn't know what to do with myself. I was upset for abandoning Caleb, and upset for going against what I had told my parents, but it really felt like I had no choice.

She was kind of an ugly duckling, I'll admit. I would not have picked her as the prettiest horse out of a group. She was tall and weedy, about 15.2hh as a long yearling, and I was really not a big fan of palominos - so I can't say I fell for her beauty; there was just something about her.

Over the next five years, she proved that something - though I could never put a finger on it. We had a bond beyond anything I've ever had. I was more passionate about horses than I had ever been in my life. I began considering my life after I left the farm - how it would always include horses, and would always include Angel. She grew into an amazing, beautiful mare.

I started her myself. She changed the way that we all thought about starting young horses. She taught me to push to get what I wanted, for the things I knew were possible. She was the safest horse I had ever owned; though by age 6 she was still only ever "green" broke under saddle, she was so sane I could put green riders on her. I had my first bareback ride since my preteen years on her. She had three beautiful foals, two of which are my "not fat horses", Ari and Rex, who managed to stay with me by some sheer stroke of luck, though there were many, many buyers interested in Ari.

I don't like to get fluffy and romantic about horses, but we also had a bond that transcended the physical. I dreamt the gender and colour of her foals months before they were due. When I was living away from the farm, in town about 45 minutes away, she was due with her second foal. One evening, I laid down to go to bed but could not. I tossed and turned until around 2am, feeling completely miserable, uncomfortable, and inexplicably sad. When I rose in the morning, my mother called and told me that Angel had lost her foal - the vet, my father, and a local dairy farmer had spent two hours pulling the enormous palomino and white colt from her, and they had left at around 2am.

August 28th, 2006, I came home from the agility field with my sister. It was a reasonably decent afternoon - beautiful weather, quite sunny. Angel was laying down in the pasture, up on her chest. I immediately knew something was wrong - she laid down frequently, and she was visibly normal, but I could tell. I ran into the house to grab the mineral oil and tell my parents that she was sick. They insisted she was just snoozing in the sun (which, for all intents and purposes, that was how it appeared). I brought her inside and put a litre of mineral oil into her. Eight hours later, she died.

As soon as she started rolling, I knew she would die - I can't explain it, but I knew. I spent desperate hours walking her, trying to keep her on her feet, trying to keep her alive, even though I knew what the end result would be. Our fantastic large animal vet showed up and spent a couple of hours with her, gave her the strongest painkillers he could, did everything he could... charged me for 15 minutes and the drugs. He left about 45 minutes before she finally let go, and we tried to call him back to euthanise her because we knew it would get no better. My Earth Angel went home just before midnight.

I was completely desperate with grief... my father took her forelock and her tail for me and for months, I carried her forelock everywhere I went, rubbing it whenever I felt anxious. I missed a week of work - I was fortunate to have an understanding boss who had heard story after story about Angel and who pulled strings to make sure I would not be penalized. About a week after it happened, my mother had to take stress leave from work. The entire family was devastated - she had been the hope for our breeding program.

The night that she died, my father told me that "you might not understand it now, but everything happens for a reason...". I hated him for saying that. I couldn't imagine that anything could justify losing Angel. There were times later that I couldn't figure out whether owning her had been a dream or real. She sent me shooting stars every night for months - and not just one shooting star, several, more than I had ever seen before... I always seem to see them now... she doesn't send them often anymore because I am okay, but at the time, I think she was letting me know it was okay. All of this is kind of silly to me, someone who has always viewed horses as livestock, and understood the "industry" side of things, but I swear it's true!

It was just about a month shy of 1 year later when I saw Bronwyn for the first time. I was looking for a very specific horse - I wanted a 16hh or taller, 10 year old or older, broke broke broke stock horse GELDING, and I preferred that he was sorrel or bay. Bronwyn was none of the above. She was, at the time, 15hh with long toes, 3 years old, wild as the wind, a MARE, and she was black. She also needed a few pounds and a TON of work.

She was running around the pasture of a friend of the family, wild and wooly. He couldn't tell me a whole lot about her, and introduced her as "that friesian filly" (we are fairly certain she has 0% friesian in her). She didn't even stand still long enough for me to see if all four legs came out of different holes, but I knew. Just like I "just knew" with Angel, I just KNEW.

A year later, her former owner told me that he had seen something in that pasture, that that skinny, scared filly needed me as badly as I needed her, and who was he to stand in the way of whatever that was?

Bronwyn frustrated and infuriated me for about six months, and I thought many, many, many times of returning her and giving up. She would tolerate just about anything but I could tell she didn't like it, and after having such a great working relationship with Angel, I couldn't imagine owning a horse that didn't want to work for me. At best, I viewed her as a resale project to help me get my horsey feet back under me.

Little did I know that in a short year, she would transform the way I think about horses, the way that I train horses, and the way that I view myself. She has been both an immense confidence booster (despite having my first fall off of a horse in 11 years off of her back in May) and a constant teacher. I put all the work on her myself, just like I did with Angel... and the most important? She made me happy. Truly, deeply happy, in the same way that Angel made me happy.

Things have not always been easy with her, nor will they ever be. She is extremely opinionated (birds of a feather, I guess...), has a tendency to digress to "mustang" if she doesn't get the right amount of attention (though she never seems to forget anything I've taught her under saddle, even if I go 3 months between rides), and is not inclined to be a "more than one person" horse... but she's honest, and she respects you if you call her bluff.

Though I didn't believe my father then, I know now that Angel left me for a reason, and that reason was Bronwyn. Bronwyn needed me and if I had still had Angel, I might never have even seen her, nevermind had the space, time or mindset to bring her onto the farm and work with her. I still tear up when thinking about Angel and everything she represents to me in my journey as a horsewoman, but I have come to the understanding that those were the events that needed to happen, that she had played her role, changed my life the way that it was meant to, and then made way for another horse that could teach me more than she could.

There is not a day that goes by that I don't miss Angel, but I am blessed to have her "living on" in my barn through Ari and Rex, who each play their own special role in my life, and have their own lessons to teach me, and in the case of Ari, are already teaching lessons to 4H kids who don't have the privilege of their own horses.

I can only be thankful for the time that I did get to spend with Angel while she was here, and the lessons that I learned, and the fact that she renewed my love for horses and made me passionate once again.

Please share the horse that changed YOUR life in the comments, I'd love to hear about others who learned those life lessons.

Vlog #4: A Lot of Ranting About Loving Yourself & The Biggest Loser

2010-01-06T23:49:00.002-04:00

I promise there will be an entry coming up very shortly - if not about a myth I'm planning to bust (Riding Is Not Exercise), then definitely a long and vehement complaint about the "S" word... SNOW.

New Years' Resolutions: Fail, Sorta Fail or Succeed?

2010-01-01T18:47:00.003-04:00

Once again, the new year sneaked (snuck? spellcheck tells me 'snuck' is wrong, but then again, spellcheck tells me 'spellcheck' is wrong, too!) up on me! I hope that everyone had a safe and fun New Years' celebration and now you can get down to the nitty gritty - those resolutions that plague us every year.

I was with a group of some of my very best (and most supportive, ever - seriously, two of them are not really 'horsey' but read my blog and watch my vlogs anyway!) girlfriends last night and we took a few minutes to reflect on last year's resolutions and how we did.

Over the years, I have discovered that it is easier for me to succeed with my resolutions if I make them pretty general - instead of "I want to lose X pounds", or "I want to go to X horse shows", I say "I want to focus on my health", or "I want to become competitive with my horse" - this way, at the end of the year, I can look back, sum it up and decide if I succeeded or not - and I am rarely disappointed. I seem to be able to at least find some ways to say that I have succeeded and bettered myself.

Last year, I made the horsey resolution to take Bronwyn to a show. That didn't happen. This year, I am going to aim a little differently. I want to be "visible" with Bronwyn - in whatever context that ends up to be - horse show, clinic, demos and trade fairs,

This year, I also want to be talking about plus sized riders in person. I go to a lot of equine trade fairs, shows and events with my mother who runs a small home based horse show clothing business (yes, she does make plus sized clothes). I'd like to take a flyer or maybe some business cards along with me. Maybe someday it will develop into talks and demonstrations. Have to start small!

Last year, I made the non-horsey resolution to start taking my health more seriously. To do this, I made an appointment with my general practitioner and (gasp) had my first ever physical and internal exam. It was scary and quite daunting (I wavered between taking my pants off or just running out of the office when I was left to undress!) but I survived it. (It doesn't hurt that my doctor is also a horseperson that I grew up showing with and has pictures of her horses in her office that I can stare at when things get uncomfortable!)

It turns out that I hadn't been to the doctor in nine years (I had been to the hospital for sprains and cuts and burns in the ER though)! I had a variety of small health issues (nothing too serious) that had been bothering me for the last few years and I finally addressed those.

I can definitely say I succeeded on that resolution - I now feel completely prepared to talk to my doctor about other things that might come up, and in fact, am planning to talk to her about tackling my weight at our next appointment (within the month). I am also thinking I might get to pick her brain a little bit about my next mythbusting entry, "Horseback Riding is Not Exercise And Fat People Are Being Lazy By Pretending That It Is".

This year, my "non-horsey" resolution is also health related. My resolution this year is to allow my health to take priority on a daily basis. This means taking the time every day to prepare myself healthier foods, go for a walk, work out, etc. This also means looking after my mental health, which is likely going to mean more time spent on horseback.

I also have a non-horsey resolution to get my completed romantic suspense manuscript into the hands of an agent - ideally published by the end of 2010 (or at least in plans for publication), but into the hands of an agent is a good start.

But enough about me - I want to talk about YOU!

I hope that this is the year for those of you who haven't been riding to start up again - I hope this is the year for those of you who need it to start taking your health more seriously - I hope this is the year for those of you who are showing to meet personal success goals.

Talk about your goals in the comments... because I love to hear what you guys have to say!

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And also, my girls all have a "Happy New Year" sentiment to express in photos. :) Enjoy - the large drafty looking thing that isn't black is Freckles (3yo perch cross), then we have the black one - Bronwyn (5yo draft cross), and then the sorrel mare with belly white is 11yo APHA mare, Jessie, and the sorrel mare that looks like Hidalgo is 6yo APHA mare, Ari.

Weight Loss Vlog #3 - 3.2lbs LOST!

2009-12-30T15:21:00.001-04:00

For you horsey people, I have a little funny story about trying to do the "The Barefoot Dancer" routine the other day. Might make you smile. :)

Scroll down for a great guest blog on tack fit!